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Covers, Blurbs, 1st Line, Query
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Query for Fantasy
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Hi Curran,Structurally this looks pretty good. I think it is a little long. Not only the word count but also because it seems wordy to me. If you can tighten it up a little, you can make it flow better and get it closer to 200 words at the same time.
A few specific comments...
The repetition of the word fantastical doesn't appeal to me. It may be okay for a children's book, but it may also be seen as lazy writing. Same goes for the "real drag." I wouldn't use a cliche like this in a blurb unless it is with reason.
If the aunt's complaint is "wasting her life," I'm not sure that her dreams are a proper rebuttal. I tend to view daydreaming and dreams while sleeping as two separate events. Perhaps it is different in your story, but if it is, it needs to be made clear. This may seem minor, but you don't want your reader stopping to think about what it means. You want them to be hooked and buy it.
NightMire sounds like a great setting. Is it possible to describe how it connects to saving her father without giving too much away? You might also look at the line "A terrifying place that..." Although the "reveal" may be an important part of the story, ask yourself how important it is to this blurb. It seems to beg questions that cannot be answered here. And I think young readers would be more interested in knowing more about NightMire than this plot device. Consider something to the effect of -it is a place where terror is manufactured, and she doesn't want to go there, but she will to save dad.
And lastly, the novel word count seems high to me. Fantasy trends higher than other genres, but for YA this is pushing the limit. Not a deal-breaker, but it may be a red flag if this is a debut novel. There are plenty of published novels that will prove me wrong on this. If they love the concept and the blurb, they will ask for a partial. But all the more reason your query needs to show that your writing is tight and well-written.
Hope some of this helps. Best of luck with it.
-Cheers!
Hey Scott - thanks for the great comments. You've given me a few things to think about. Much appreciated!
Hi Curran. You've got some great hooks here. That the set for her dream is under construction is brilliant. Same with the world behind the curtain. The name "The Nightmire" is inspired. I agree with Scott that one fantastical is plenty. Perhaps "where she stars in fantastical adventures, defending the weak, battling the wicked, and always saving the day." I don't think that Drusilla's reasoning is sufficient. If Amelia habitually retold her dreams to her father, her aunt might have a case. But as written, what can the aunt know of the dreams? Why does Amelia feel like a disappointment? Are Piju and Sir Grenville old friends or friends made in the new dream? I think the unfolding of the query works fine, and I wouldn't worry about the length.
Hi, Curran. I really liked your pitch. Just two quick suggestions: I really like the use of your character voice with the end of the first paragraph, but it seems to not match the tone of the rest of your pitch. I would suggest trying to add in some more character voice to make it match? Also, the last paragraph of the synopsis itself feels a little abrupt and list-y to me, like you wanted to fit it in more details in your synopsis. But I feel like synopsis might be stronger without it. Hope this helps, and best of luck with your query!
Alex - Thanks for the kind words, great feedback, and even better questions. I'll see what I can do to better address them. Thanks so much!
Reba - Thanks for pointing out that the character voice doesn't fit the rest of the query. That's a good point I hadn't realized. And I'll see what I can do to tighten up that last paragraph. I really appreciate the help!
Dear [Agent],
Amelia doesn’t dream like everyone else. Every night, she steps onto the stage of a bright, bold, Technicolor dream, where she stars in fantastical adventures with fantastical creatures in fantastical lands. Where she defends the weak, battles the wicked, and always saves the day. But every dream ends with the dawn, when Amelia must face the waking world. And that’s a real drag.
Amelia’s father is dying from a mysterious illness, and her cruel aunt Drusilla refuses to let her see him. After all, Drusilla says, he’s probably sick from watching his aimless daughter waste her life dreaming. But her dreams are the only place Amelia doesn’t feel like a disappointment.
After a nasty fight with Drusilla, Amelia is sent to bed early. She arrives in her dream sooner than usual, to find it under construction by a cast of curious characters. Amelia learns that dreams are elaborate plays, written, produced, and built anew each night, and the set for her dream isn’t yet ready. But when she peeks behind the backstage curtain, she finds a dark world of shadows and monstrous creatures. The NightMire. The land where nightmares are born. A terrifying place that will reveal her aunt, her father’s illness, and even Amelia herself, aren’t quite what they seem.
Together with her friends Piju, an oversized peacock, and Sir Grenville, a medieval knight she can’t fully trust, Amelia steps into the NightMire, embarking on an adventure to save her father. An adventure that will reveal a grander destiny than she ever dreamed of...if she can only save the day one last time. Because, if she can’t, she might never awaken.
AMELIA is a 99,500-word fantasy that will will appeal to readers of Neil Gaiman’s Coraline and C. S. Lewis’s The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe. Given your interest in fantasy novels, I thought it might be a good fit for your list.
Thank you for your consideration,
[personal info]