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Hi Alex - It seems the heart of your story is that 1) Sinela is being forced into an arranged marriage she doesn't want, and 2) Sameer will kill her if she refuses. This is a compelling premise, but it took me a while to arrive at it. I would suggest getting into it sooner. A few other questions/comments:
1. I think you can remove the parts about the car ride, and the girl taking her into the house. You could summarize just by saying she is thrown into an arranged marriage.
2. I want a bit more of a reason to fear Sammer. Is he a gangster? Corrupt politician? Does he cause her harm when she fails to disrupt the marriage?
3. Regarding her secret, you say it can destroy Sameer if disclosed. Why doesn't she just disclose it at the beginning - isn't that her way out? Or wouldn't Sameer let her go just to keep her quiet?
I hope this helps!
Hi Curran,Extremely helpful. I'll narrow it to that compelling premise you note and answer the questions you pose.
Thanks,
Alex
A revise of Blood Marriage queryA bright, ambitious student in rural Pakistan, Sinela Chaudhry dreams of college and a career. When her family arranges a marriage with a mysterious stranger three times her age, Sinela refuses, though warned by her parents that Sameer will kill her if he can’t have her. She attempts disfigurement, fails, then runs away, but is caught. Returned to Sameer’s, she becomes his fourth wife. Her determination to escape remains intact even when she learns that Sameer is a terrorist leader in hiding, hunted by America, but protected by powerful forces. She escapes the stronghold and sets out on a journey across Pakistan, using her intelligence and imagination to evade Sameer. Her goal is to reach America but will that be far enough? Sinela’s knowledge of Sameer’s location renders her a ticking bomb for the terrorist. Under the guise of another’s name and passport, Sinela travels to America and resumes her life as a student, until four years later, Sameer finds her in Los Angeles.
Second revise of Blood Marriage query. Should I delete the previous two? A bright, ambitious student in rural Pakistan, Sinela Chaudhry dreams of college and a career. When her family arranges a marriage with a mysterious stranger three times her age, Sinela refuses, accusing her mother and father of betraying her. Despite her parents’ warning that Sameer will kill her if he can’t have her, Sinela attempts to avoid the marriage, but fails. She becomes his fourth wife, living in an isolated and fortified house. Unwilling to throw her life away, she escapes and she sets out on a harrowing journey across Pakistan, using her intelligence and imagination to evade Sameer. She wants to reach America, but will it be enough? She has learned Sameer is a terrorist leader in hiding, hunted by America, but protected by powerful forces in Pakistan. Sinela’s knowledge of Sameer’s location renders her a ticking bomb for the terrorist, but she fears revealing it will cost the lives of her family. Under the guise of another’s name and passport, Sinela travels to America and resumes her life as a student, until four years later, Sameer finds her in Los Angeles.
Wow. IMHO, this is a great improvement. Nice work! Now it's just quibbling about details. Some final suggestions:1. Make your first sentence more active vs passive: "Sinela Chaudhry is a bright, ambitious student in rural Pakistan who dreams of college and a career."
2. The sentence that Samaar is a terrorist seems like it wants to come after the 'fortified house' sentence?
3. I am confused about one thing: is the heart of the story her initial escape from Samaar across Pakistan, or her life in America after escaping and Samaar's finding her again? The query makes it seem as if her initial escape is the main story, and Samaar finding her in America later is the final showdown. If that's the case, I almost think you can end the query at "it will cost the lives of her family." That's a nice cliff-hanger. Or, clarify that the conflict in America is the denouement. If I am incorrect, and the main story is about her life in America and subsequent discovery, then your query should focus more on that.
Again, very nice work. I hope these additional comments help!
On your question about the previous versions, I would suggest leaving them. Maybe someone will see this in the future, and learn from the evolution of your query.
I'm glad you like the changes. In regard to # 2, is this what you're suggesting: "She becomes his fourth wife, living in an isolated and fortified house, where [or a new sentence starting with There] she learns Sameer is a terrorist leader in hiding, hunted by America, but protected by powerful forces in Pakistan."#1 Yes, bringing Sinela Chaudry to the beginning of the sentence sounds better.
#3 The story is equally split between her experiences in Pakistan and America. The American half take place four years after she has escaped her country. However, the most dramatic scenes are in the first half, so I'd say that's the heart of the story. I think ending it on "... family" would be effective.
Revised query in post below.
Revised Query # 3 for Blood MarriageSinela Chaudhry is a bright, ambitious student in rural Pakistan who dreams of college and a career. When her family arranges a marriage with a mysterious stranger three times her age, Sinela refuses, accusing her mother and father of betraying her. Despite her parents’ warning that Sameer will kill her if he can’t have her, Sinela attempts to avoid the marriage, but fails. She becomes his fourth wife, living in an isolated and fortified house. There she learns Sameer is a terrorist leader in hiding, hunted by America, but protected by powerful forces in Pakistan. Escaping from his stronghold, she sets out on a harrowing journey across Pakistan, using her intelligence and imagination to evade Sameer. Her goal is to reach America, but will that be far enough? Sinela’s knowledge of Sameer’s location renders her a ticking bomb for the terrorist, but she fears revealing it will cost the lives of her family.
Nice work! To me, this reads much better than your initial query. Best of luck...!
A bright, ambitious student in rural Pakistan, Sinela Chaudhry dreams of college and a career. When her father asks her to accompany him on a drive to a business meeting, she is excited and proud to be so privileged. Upon arriving at their destination, an isolated and fortified house, her elation and curiosity turn to fear and confusion. Her father instructs her to remain at the residence while he completes a task. As she begs him not to leave, a girl emerges and assures her he will come back. She guides the frantic Sinela inside the house to meet an older couple who introduce themselves as the parents of Sameer, her future husband. The families have arranged the marriage. Though she refuses to believe this, she is taken to Sameer, a man three times her age. She declares she won't marry him, but he is merely amused at her response. She will learn to love him as his fourth wife. When her father returns to take her home, he explains that Sameer is a powerful man who might kill the entire family if his will is denied. Sinela draws upon her imagination and courage to disrupt the marriage, but even with her family's help, she fails. Her initial failure only makes her more determined to find freedom. She escapes a second time and sets out on a journey across Pakistan, using her wits to evade Sameer and overcome obstacles. Her goal is to reach America. But will that be far enough? Sinela holds a secret that if disclosed will mean Sameer's end.