Question P

[Jonetta]

Jules had agonized over the email he’d received from Ben and his response, only to later learn he’d died in an IED explosion, never reading his reply. Ben’s parents opted not to contact Jules or let him attend the services. Why do you believe the Websters made this decision, even if they were aware it might be something their son would have preferred?

[Sharon]

I've seen this before. Parents don't want their child to be gay and keep gay friends away from funerals or family gatherings. I saw it a lot when the Aids scare was running wild. It is sad. Before gay marriages, there wasn't a legal standing. Parents could do whatever they wanted even if they knew their child's wishes.

I felt bad for Jules.

[Robin]

Sharon is probably right. Ben's parents probably didn't want people talking about Ben's boyfriend who attended the funeral. In their eyes, they were protecting Ben's reputation.

[Anita]

Ben's parents simply didn't want to acknowledge he was gay and in a relationship with another gay man. It hurt Jules because even though Jules didn't love Ben, he cared a great deal for him. I'm glad that he and Robin were able to honor Ben's life in their own way.

[Lauren]

This was very sad both for Jules, who was denied the chance to say goodbye to Ben, but also for Ben's parents, who could not accept who their son really was. They will have to live with that.

[Jonetta]

I got the impression that Ben hadn’t come out to his parents and they probably only learned he was gay after his death. But I also thought they knew about Jules from his belongings and made a conscious decision to not include him.

This is so very sad and I felt awful for Jules. It’s a significant example of why legalizing same sex marriage is so important because without it, partners have no rights and are left to the mercy of the next of kin. I still don’t understand why the focus isn’t on honoring the loved one’s wishes.

[Lauren]

Jonetta wrote: "I still don’t understand why the focus isn’t on honoring the loved one’s wishes.."

I don't get it either. It seems such an unnecessary emotional effort to deny the truth. In the long run, people who are prejudiced and hateful are only hurting themselves. It got Peggy killed and Ben's parents will live the rest of their lives with the knowledge they never really knew or accepted their son.

[Jonetta]

Great point, Lauren. I’ve had to manage the services for both my parents and my grandmother. Throughout the entire process, I kept trying to do what I thought they would want, even when it wasn’t something I’d want to do. It’s sometimes hard but inside I felt like it was a love letter to them.

I think people like Ben’s parents will silently regret what they did in the long run because, deep down, they know it wasn’t what he wanted.