Beta Reader Group discussion
Covers, Blurbs, 1st Line, Query
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Help with my query letter - edit/review
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Hi G,It's definitely too long. 150-200 words, maybe. This is over 400. But it reads like a synopsis rather than a query. That is, it tells us step by step what happens, including (what I believe is) the twist at the end. The blurb should be a hook to make the reader want to read it. This is much too passive to grab my attention. The use of "worsening" made me cringe. The bit about the system of silence confuses me a little.
The description also makes me think it is MG. It sounds a little too cute to be YA. If a publisher read it and called it MG, it probably is. I would add that my very first thought (seeing "MG/YA") was that the writer doesn't know what he/she is writing. This is confirmed by the phrase "laugh-out-loud MG Fantasy-adventure romcom with mystery with thriller elements." The story may include these elements, but you have to focus on one genre. It sounds like you are trying to please a wide variety of readers (everyone will love it!) or you don't know where to put it. And if you don't know, bookstores won't know. And if no one knows how to market it, it won't be sold.
In the bio, consider cutting anything "unrelated." Writing for your own blog doesn't help unless you have a huge following. If so, then you should mention those numbers. Same with drafts, since they are unpublished, leave them out. Work sold is great, if credible, consider naming the publications. Mentioning your co-writer is fine but I would drop the "underrepresented demo" because it sounds like a sympathy play. Also because the demographic is not relevant to the story. Consider expanding your role as an educator and how long you did that.
Hope some of this is helpful. Good luck with it.
Scott wrote: "Hi G,It's definitely too long. 150-200 words, maybe. This is over 400. But it reads like a synopsis rather than a query. That is, it tells us step by step what happens, including (what I believe i..."
I will take your suggestions and begin work immediately. Thank you!
Scott,I have this 196 word blurb in my materials. My most recent query asked that the cover letter only include the "hook" and submit a separate synopsis. So, I did that.
I have read so many articles that all describe a different query letter. The one I asked your feedback on was assembled using a professional editor's website. Perhaps they gave bogus suggestions so that "I" would feel pressured to spend money on their query letter services. Maybe I'm paranoid.
That article suggested the detailed - but brief - synopsis as part of the query. I have read or seen (YouTube) similar information before. I agree it should be short and snappy. I've always wondered about this "long" form query.
Anyway, for query letters that ask for more than the elevator pitch, how does this blurb sound?
-------------{Blurb}----------
There is something peculiar about Zachary Zaad, even though he is perfectly ordinary. He’s a bit short, still scrawny, hair an unmanageable mess, and lives with the shadow of a brutally murdered grandmother by the terrifying Terrorization of Zee. Yes, perfectly ordinary. Yet there is something curiously cockeyed about him. Tormented by delirious dreams that feel all too real. Dreams that are wild, yet passionate, playful, but terrifying. Awakening bewildered and in unusual places. He becomes convinced that he is the monstrous Terrorization.
Then he discovers Zemira Zambrano dancing in a window. Worry over the nightmares fades from his mind, replaced by an instant intense attraction. The cute 13-year-old ballet dancer dominating his every thought and overwhelming his vivid visions. Her bizarrely bright lemon-blonde hair, intense blue eyes, and perfect posture calm and devastate, warp and stabilize the young Zach.
Zach, his best friend Zyler Zyzyx, and Zemira find themselves transforming in incomprehensible and frightening ways. Driven by fear and revenge, they embark on an adventure to solve the mystery of the Terrorization. But the end of the Terrorization could be death for Zach, and trap his 1st love, Zemira, and his best Zyler within the terror.
--------{end of blurb}--------
As you can see, the alliteration is obvious, but also not oppressive. I read an article that suggested a query letter should be written in the voice of the book, even giving an example of such a query letter that was successful (without saying how many times it was submitted).
Thank you.
This is more like what you want. I think that submission guidelines are becoming more demanding and more often ask for a synopsis in addition to the blurb. The body should include this version. It's clear the alliteration is on purpose but typically, you don't want two characters with similar names. But some authors suggest not even having character names begin with the same letter. For example, don't have Marsha and Martha, but also no Melanie. You may be able to pull it off, but the names were one of the reasons I said it sounds like MG. I wouldn't use these names in YA.
You're correct. The blurb should give some sense of the voice used in the book. As a reader, the over-abundance of adjectives gives me pause. Also, you mention a murder and a monster but follow with "perfectly ordinary." I think this is meant to be tongue-in-cheek, but if you make a reversal, it needs to be clear. And it needs to be singular. That is, you present it one way but show how it isn't what it seems. You can't go back to the first. Here you say Zach is peculiar (1) but ordinary (2), describe these peculiar (3) events, yeah, perfectly ordinary (4), and yet (5)... The writing is no longer funny, it's unclear. The same goes for his dreams. If they are playful and passionate, why do they torment him? The sentence sounds interesting and good, but when you stop to think about it, the meaning is unclear. Zamira's posture calm AND devastate?
The blurb needs to introduce the main character, tell the reader what his goal is, what's keeping him from it, and what happens if he fails. It isn't the place to describe "bizarrely bright lemon-blonde hair, intense blue eyes, and perfect posture." You have a limited amount of space to talk about these important points, and all the adjectives take up a lot of your available space.
Typically the consequences of not reaching the goal are bad. It forces our character to take action. Here, if Z3 meet the goal, it could mean death and a trap. So why are they doing it? Fear and revenge? The fear from the dreams has "faded from his mind" and the revenge isn't explained. The conflict and consequences are unclear.
If you want to read some good query letters, check out queryshark.com. There is also some great advice there.
-Cheers!
Hi, G,I agree with everything Scott said, but would also add that there are 5 incomplete sentences in the short version of your query, and 4 of them in the first paragraph. While this is a valid stylistic choice within a manuscript, in a query it might lead an agent/editor to think your grasp of sentence structure is faulty.
I'd recommend that you limit it to one, to show that you're doing it deliberately. It's an easy fix and takes away a possible reason for rejection.
Hope this helps. Best of luck with the MS.
Hello G.In my opinion, an agent is a very busy person and gets hundreds of letters a day. Thus, the agent could stop reading even from your first phrase if he/she finds something wrong or unclear with it:
1. “There is something peculiar about Zachary Zaad, even though he is perfectly ordinary.”
Now listen to this - If he is perfectly ordinary, there is nothing peculiar about him.
It is like me saying: “this perfect circle is peculiarly square.” Maybe it sounds cool? But, if you think about it, it is gibberish, perhaps.
It would work maybe better if you began by saying something like this: “Even though Zachary Zaad seemed perfectly ordinary to people around him….”
2. Ok we move on to the second sentence. It starts with: “He’s a bit short…” - Ask your self what does that mean ‘a bit short’ ?
Let me ask you this, what does it mean if I say “he is a bit tall”?
It is subjective and it is your (the author’s) subjectivity that seeps into the page. We want to avoid that.
He may be short to some, and a perfect hight to others. He may be tall to some one, while at the same time as he is a bit short compared to you.
What I am saying is you need to remove your self from the descriptions. Make your writhing hand disappear. Thus, for example: “Zachary was the shortest in his class… other student considered him perfectly ordinary….” - now it becomes according to his classmates, you as the author have disappeared. Consider doing this.
Because here again, your writhing hand shows:
3. “still scrawny” - It describes some one small, malnourished. But more to the point, he is scrawny compared to whom? Compared to you? To a grown man. Compared to boys his age?
Also what are you implying when you say ‘still’? As in he should not be this way because of what? That needs to be flashed out, or make sense from a world you are describing (example a world of famine and desolation) or not included at all as you have only limited space to flesh things out.
Let me give an example: “Rescued from desolate island after his Grandmothers death, Zachary was still scrawny one year later.” - Here ‘scrawny’ makes a kind of sense because of the story in this sentence. I hope you see my point.
Your hand revealed again:
4. “hair an unmanageable mess” Why? What if he combs it? What if he uses gel? What if he cuts it really short? Is it still an unmanageable mess? What are you trying to say? Is it a mess to you? What if girls like it this way on him?
Example: “Riding on his horse through the rain, through the brushes and falling leaves, Zachary hair became an unmanageable mess”. - Now it makes more sense. It is part of the story. The reader gets why.
As it stands originally the reader will challenge you because the reader will consider this description as your taste. You, as the author, need to disappear back and let you protagonists and the world come alive in my opinion.
I will stop here.
I think the other two comments made by Scott and Gifford are very incisive and give plenty of food for thought.
I will add that you need to decide what the story is going to be about - Right now it starts as a coming of age story, infused with a mystery, that then flows into a love story, which moves into an investigation, with elements of adventure…
My suggestion is choose what is the main one is, and focus on it. In your book the other elements will come together as well, because in the book you have time to flesh them out.
For my self, I am not worried at this stage about agent letters, but at becoming a better writer. But that is me.
Please ignore any advice you disagree with.
Nikolow
Here is the query letter:
--------------{Start of Query letter}--------------
Dear [Agent Name],
[Information relating to the specific agent and their Wishlist desires.]
Zachary Zaad is a perfectly ordinary, almost 14-year-old geek, but as summer began after 8th grade, Zach's life veered from monotonously mundane to wildly weird and it all started with a girl and a monster. He's a bit short, and a little scrawny, his hair is always an unkempt mess and lives with the monstrous murder of his grandmother by the Terrorization. Even so, he remains unextraordinary. Yet there is something curiously cockeyed about him. Tormented by disconcerting dreams he becomes convinced he is the Terrorization, the monster that has haunted the quaint, quiet mountainside community of Zee for nearly 13 years.
Worsening matters, everyone has lied to Zach his whole life. A conspiracy of silence hiding his truth and the original attack that killed his grandmother. Continuing even in his school, teachers, friends, and administrators all hide a frightful secret from him. With each crazy dream, he awakes to find himself peering into the monster that killed his grandmother. Too afraid to ask for help from his parents, he turns to his best friend, Zyler Zyzyx.
But before he can discover the secrets hidden from him, he meets Zemira and his life explodes like a confetti cannon. The lemon-blonde-haired prim ballerina, Zemira, pirouetted him from his mixed-up misery. But she is part of the system of silence and there is something inexplicably amiss with her, also.
But when the Terrorization emerges from the shadows again to murder his grandfather, Gramps, Zach tumbles into traumatized paralysis. In their grief over another family tragedy, his parents disclose the secret they have concealed his whole life. He is a therianthrope, a human who transforms into an animal – an African lion for both he and Zemira. Once he learns he is not the monster terrorizing Zee, he feels the urge to solve the mystery of the Terrorization. Along with Zyler and Zemira, he heads into the Zobbot mountains to discover what—or who—the Terrorization is and stop it. If it does not kill him and his friends first.
But even greater secrets await Zach. High up Zaza, the ancient volcano, the kids encounter an African lioness – his grandmother – who has survived nearly 13 years in the woods alone. But before there is time to celebrate the joyous reunion, the monster arrives to reveal the last horrific secret. The long-time Mayor of Zee, Zefua Zeeb, is a mutated therianthrope who morphs into a monstrous being. A showdown leads to the death of the mayor.
ZACHARY ZAAD AND THE TERRORIZATION OF ZEE by G Allen Matthews and Shian Zhiey Falcotelo is a completed, laugh-out-loud MG Fantasy-adventure romcom with mystery with thriller elements; 75k words, target ages M/F 11-16+. Readers of adventure in both MG and YA, particularly Rick Riordan’s Percy Jackson books, with a twist of The Ables by Jeremy Scott. Using multiple-1st person POV, the characters share the story as if “face-to-face” with the reader, prone to step out of the storytelling in Ferris Bueller-style asides. The manuscript plays with alliteration throughout, the characters even commenting on it. In keeping with the name of the town, all proper nouns begin with Z.
I am a former educator, most recently an English teacher in Hong Kong and Shenzhen, China. I self-published (very) unrelated Scriptural studies to gift hard copy prints to friends and family. I have written many online “articles,” several as paid content, most for my blog. In addition to the three in-progress sequels to Zaad, I have three completed YA fiction novels (unedited drafts). My co-author, Shian Zhiey (shee-awn zay, aka Kiziah), is my 14-year-old stepdaughter. She is a young Filipina, an underrepresented demographic. While not in consideration here, ZAAD also expands into a series (4 books total). The first book can stand alone, it was the original plan.
We sincerely hope you are feeling the tingle to read more because we would love to share the full manuscript with you. Thank you,
-------------{End of query letter}------------
From the hook to the "Thank you," is 652 words. The opening paragraph should be two to a max of three sentences and my demographics information is at the end.
- Is it grabbing?
- Is it too long or too short?
- Do I need all of the bio information?
- Since I did not publish them for sales, should I even mention the self-published Bible studies?
- Should I mention other (non-Zaad related) unpublished work?
- Without reading the full manuscript, I know you might not be able to answer this, but... A publisher (CatCam) said this is an upper MG - which they don't publish. I wrote with a MG voice, as I intended the prose to be relatable and Riordan-esque. But I believe the content is YA, possibly lower YA sure, but definitely YA. Should I mention my opinion or stick with the publisher's assessment that it is MG? Should I include "upper" to the MG, leave it out, or change to "lower YA"?
Your opinions matter. I've been at this most of the year and I am convinced my query letter has been the weakest part of my submission. This is an entirely new, fully revised version and format.
Also...
If you are free beta reader, we seek help in this area, too. If you are interested in being a "test reader" who just reads the full manuscript and offers general "Did you like it?" or "Did you hate it?" and why, I am seeking those as well.
Thanks everyone!