Beta Reader Group discussion
Covers, Blurbs, 1st Line, Query
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Blurb Critique Needed (Fantasy) - OUTDATED
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Ok, the blurb starts off as a list of ideas you have not woven in a story:"Quirren Tillenhawk is a bright young elf with healing powers that shares a deep magical connection with nature."
The list here is this: His full name. He is bright. He is young. He is an Elf. He has powers. His powers are in healing. He has also magic powers to connect with nature.
The good thing about such a list is that it gives us allot of information, the bad is that it is a list.
My suggestion is to write the important points of your hero and then weave them in your blurb, and to consider your blurb as a short story, and thus evrything that makes a short story interesting.
Ok. So above is my first point.
My second point is about the way your story flows. This flow is important because you want to take us the readers along with you.
Let me show you your story flow:
1. We start with the elf having to explore and search for the origin of the sinister flowers.
There we are introduced to the fact that his father had tried to do the same and presumably died/ went missing.
2. Then you introduce poachers and a raid.
3. The raid is not important apparently, now what's important is an "irresistible clue" they left behind to save the Rainforest!
4. Thus now the story is about saving the rainforest.
5. Now the story looses all tempo, because from saving the rainforest it is about a silent merman that sparks our hero interest.
6. Then the story is about our hero adjusting to the outside world.
7. Then my interest is moved to some sort of Angels with powers over Elements. And I am really confused at this point.
8. Then it is about the setting.
9. Then it is about a dark power in the world.
The problem with the above is that it is a good list of things you have planned for your book. The bad is that it is a list of events with questionable tempo.
Also I think the sequence should be improved so the reader can follow you on the journey. - Perhaps start with the Dark power coming over the world, this affects the Elves homeland and an unlikely Hero rises to save his people and everyone as well. Thus the story is about his journey.
As it stand now the story is about a mysterious flowers, then about a raid, then about the rainforest, then about....
All the above needs to be woven in a short story that hopefully makes people want to read more - and thus you probably need to cut out stuff for the Blurb.
I think you will understand what I am trying to say by giving you an example - focused on your Hero:
Quirren liked coming out of the forest to stare at the ocean. To sit and watch the waves crash under the bright sun and feel their salty spray on his face.
For that hid his tears well.
Curious, his people thought.
For elves should like the shade of tall trees and the quiet sound of the wind among their leaves. The soft murmur of leaping streams. Not those trashing tides, or the hot naked sun above them.
When wanting to be alone, he should seek the quite glades in the heart of the forests - they thought. Why Quirren preferred the vast ocean and that unsettling horizon, his people could not understand.
For this, he was peculiar, they all agreed.
But perhaps that was boon, for when a disease started spreading among the Elves, Quirren was the only one brave enough to seek out the Merman and a passage across the water.
It was a simple quest - to save his people. To find an answer to what ailed them. Yet the young elf would soon discover that not only his people, but whole world is in peril. A world that had changed allot from the simple bedtime stories of his father. One that has grown dark and dangerous and where civilizations have risen and fallen.
-----
In the above the ideas are woven in a story:
He is an Elf
He lives in the forest.
There is a deep sadness in him
It alludes to him having a restive soul.
He is different from the rest
A disease is spreading among his people
It affects the whole world
Answers are needed, to be found in the world beyond - thus a quest/exploration
The world beyond is big and mysterious.
As you see now it not a list
It is a story. It flows. It tells the reader where we are going.
We get a sence of the writer prose.
We keep it simple, knowing the book has the details.
Hope the above example helps.
P.S.
I think the word Eco, short for ecological should be removed as it is a 20th century word used by city people to describe events in nature, but not something that belongs in a story with Elves.
Rainforest is the same. it will rub readers the wrong way because the word has a connection with the Amazon. Also Elves do not strike us as a race that like to be wet. (I understand you probably want to make them different but perhaps take your time to explain this in the book and not in the blurb)
Finally reduce descriptions if you cant explain them. For example : "A lost silent merman sparks his interest on the shoreline before helping him cross the ocean."
This is difficult for readers because - why is he lost? Lost from where? what is a merman? what do you mean silent? he cant speak? he dosent like to speak? he is a statue? in what way he sparks his interest? what does that even mean? who is helping whom? how is the He helping the other He cross the ocean? do they have a ship? is it magic? Can't elves build boats? ....
Creathing mystery is important but just leaving dangling threads without a story around them is not.
Finally take your hero on a journey to get his powers - if you start with he is "bright", "has healing powers", "shares a deep magical connection with nature" ..... readers will not like him. Let your Hero be an outsider, let him have suffered, let him discover his powers slowly and most importantly make him pay a price for having them.
Cheers.
Nikolow.
Thank you for such a thorough response. I answered every single one of your questions in the book itself, and the story beats connect well when read on paper.My issue is that I failed to summarize it in a blurby way. The eco thing was my mistake because I inserted a wrongful space. The word ecosystem has nothing to do with ecology.
I have tried other places to get feedback on this blurb, and since last week it has changed DRASTICALLY. Because of that, I'll be removing this post as it's outdated.
I still find a lot of your feedback useful and will be using it in further editing my blurb. Thank you kindly for the time and explanation along with examples!
Hello Alek,I think the blurb has a good start, but...it feels more like an explanation than a blurb. You want your blurb to entice and provoke your reader, to draw them in to the intrigue and suspense of the conflict, but the word-choice and sentence structure seems too plain to really do that.
I would say first, try to exclude sentences that explain the characters backgrounds and motivations ex: "Following in his father's footsteps", "Being one of the first to leave". Exclude parts of sentences that explain results, "Helping him cross the ocean", "Learning about their powers". Even the merman sentence can be taken out entirely.
Secondly, the blurb doesn't seem to focus on one central conflict. I thought it was going to be about the flowers, then it ends with an assortment of different elements. I like the last sentence as it sets the tone for adventure, but I'm lost as to how the flowers, poachers, angels, and the great danger are all related. Is the story more about eradicating the flowers or about Quirren's journey as he leaves to pursue their origin?
Finally try to combine sentences and use more exciting phrases to ramp up your points. "struggles adjusting to a different natural order of things" is extremely vague and weak from an excitement perspective, so I would skip this and just point the reader to the angels and miscreant humans. But from what I've provided there are multiple angles in which you can attack and reconstruct this, it just depends on what you want to focus on.
Anyway, good luck. Let me know if there's any questions. Hope any of this helps.
Also, Feel free to contact me if you're looking for a beta reader. I might be interested.
Hey, thank you for the reply! Like I said to the previous commenter, the blurb changed a lot with a few pointers during the past week! I'm definitely seeing a pattern of what I'm doing wrong, and I'm currently working on fixing it. The merman has to be mentioned because he's the love interest. I see how in this old blurb it isn't quite clear.
If you're curious about the new, better constructed blurb, I'll be happy to send it over to you in the DM's. That's where we can discuss the beta reading thing! I'd be honored to have you give it a try c:
" Because of that, I'll be removing this post as it's outdated."Consider leaving it up. Not because you will learn something new from it, but because other people wondering how to write their own blurb may read it and find ideas and inspirations from the discussion.
I'm raising my hand with Nikolow on that last post. My work is in a completely different genre, and I learned something important from this thread.question? I'm still learning how the forum functions. Would it have been alright for me to reply to the above post. Or did I step out of line by commenting at all.
Ohh you definitely stepped out of line Sparky! And you know what we do with rebels like you? Don't you!We send them to Narkina Five !
...
You are fine especially because Alek said he is not looking for more feedback on the topic as he has reworked his blurb completely.
But yeah, this will be helpful to people whom have created a rich world like OP, with allot of detail and wonder how to bring it to their own blurb.
If you wanted to you could have said what "I learned something important from this thread." is, If you think the realization you had will help others.
Any feedback would be helpful!
Title: Shadows of Amphylla
Quirren Tillenhawk is a bright young elf with healing powers that shares a deep magical connection with nature. Mysterious and sinister flowers, the Somberblooms, sprout across his home island, warping the minds of its inhabitants and disrupting the eco system. Following in his father’s footsteps, he searches for their origin with limited information at hand. One day, a group of poachers raids his homeland. They leave an irresistible clue about the eerie flower that the elf must pursue in order to save the rainforest.
A lost silent merman sparks his interest on the shoreline before helping him cross the ocean. Being one of the first to leave the island in centuries, he struggles adjusting to a different natural order of things. Quirren encounters miscreant humans and fickle angels, learning about their unique powers relating to the elements. While navigating the unknown reaches of his planet such as frozen tundras, ancient underground tunnels, and flying cities, a much darker power reveals itself, forcing his journey to take an unlikely turn in order to fight a great danger shadowing over Amphylla.