YA Dystopian query

[Nicole-Mary]

Hi everyone!
I'm developing my query letter, and I wanted some opinions on what I've written so far. Please be brutally honest with me, I'd really appreciate it. (I've purposely omitted my surname, I'm aware I'll need it when it comes to querying, haha)

Thanks in advance!

How much do you really know about the world you live in?

When sixteen-year-old Lacey's mother dies in a nuclear explosion, she has to fend for herself–something she’s never had to do before. She wants nothing more than to escape from the dark world she’s found herself in, but the memories of her mother chase her every move. No matter what she does or how far she runs, she cannot escape the fact that she is well and truly alone.

Trapped in a home where he was forced to protect his younger sister from the cruelties of their parents, Dallas has experience running away. But when his sister is killed, no distance is far enough for him to escape the memory. No matter how hard he tries, he cannot escape his grief.

When their paths meet, through strangely convenient circumstances, they realise that their separate lives are more intertwined than they ever could have imagined–meaning that the only logical solution is for them to work together. And as they travel together to find family, safety and a part of the country where radiation poisoning doesn’t run rampant, they discover that what they seek might just be found in each other.

Even if getting along is harder than surviving what they think is the end of the world.
My name is Nicole-Mary, and I am seeking representation for THE RUINS OF YESTERDAY, a young adult sci-fi novel, completed at 68,000 words, featuring a strong, female lead.

The underlying plot of this novel is similar to that of The Truman Show, whilst the main plot has moments reminiscent of Black Mirror and The Other Life, by Suzanne Winnacker.

Thank you very much for your time and consideration,
Nicole-Mary

[Kenny]

Hey Nicole-Mary,

At 219 words, your blurb is too long, it eats most of the space in your query for other relevant info about you and your book. A query letter should aim for 250-350 words max (including the blurb, book info, author bio, and personalization for agent).
I tried to rewrite your query following one of the most common query formats:

Dear [Agent’s Name],

I saw on your [#MSWL/website…etc] that you represent/are seeking YA Sci-fi, featuring [mention any specific elements from the agent’s wishlist that apply to your book here]. I hope you will consider my manuscript, THE RUINS OF YESTERDAY, finished at 68,000 words. [Since your work is on the shorter side, it’s safe to mention your wordcount at the start of the query, whereas if it were on the longer side, you’d save it up for later, as you’d want to hook the agent first with the blurb.]

The world [you live in] isn’t what you know.

Sixteen-year-old Lacey learned that the hard way, after a nuclear explosion killed her mother. Now, she has to fend for herself with no one at her side.

Being a victim of abuse, Dallas knows what it takes to survive a cruel world. But then his sister dies, and Dallas becomes a lost child, running away from grief.

When their paths unexpectedly cross, what starts as a lonely journey turns into a joint adventure. And as they travel together to find all the things they lost, Lacey and Dallas discover that what they seek might just be found in each other. Even if getting along is harder than surviving what they think is the end of the world. [I managed to cut it down to 126 words. I’d probably recommend rewriting the last couple lines to establish stakes, what the characters’ objective is, and what they risk to lose if they fail.]

The Truman Show X Black Mirror X The Other Life merge in THE RUINS OF YESTERDAY, a standalone [with series potential if applicable]. [Insert any trigger warnings here. E.G: (mentions of) abuse, death...etc].

[Here you’d insert a short bio about yourself. It’s mostly recommended to stick to relevant info about your writing, but if you don’t have anything going for you in that department, then mention your profession, country, and what qualifies you to write this book. No need to say your name here as you’ll sign the query with it. Keep this short and to the point, no need to give more than necessary. One-two sentences is enough.]

Please find down below the first [number of] pages of my manuscript, per your submissions’ guidelines. [if agent requests sample pages with query.]

Thank you for your consideration.

Sincerely,
Nicole-Mary


I hope this helps!

Regards,
Kenny

[Nicole-Mary]

Wow! Thank you so much, I really appreciate it!

[Scott]

Hi N-M,
First, I think it is too long. There is a lot you can trim. The whole first paragraph is about Lacey being alone, but it is said in different ways and almost to the point of overkill. Second, I once heard the advice not to start with a question that an agent might use to discount your blurb before they even read it. Also, no need to say you are looking for representation. The agent knows why you are contacting them. So, just go straight into the blurb.

More importantly, the blurb needs to tell what the story is about, what the main characters want, and what happens if they don't get it. From what I read here, I would guess that they are lonely and need someone-but if they find that in each other, there is no conflict. Therefore, no reason for me to read the book.

What I gather is that there is more to it than that. There is a hint of "convenient circumstances" and a mention of the Truman Show. But you should not rely on whether I infer correctly. The blurb needs to spell it out. If this is a situation where the nuclear poisoning has been faked to see what these two kids do, you should say so. In this regard, I think your blurb is too vague. There is nothing to draw me (or an agent) in. If you watch a trailer from the Truman movie, it clearly tells the viewer that his life is controlled and being watched.

You definitely need comp titles, but saying the plot is similar to or reminiscent of, isn't a good way to describe your work. Instead, say it will appeal to fans of the movie or readers who enjoy these books will also enjoy The Ruins.

Lastly, I'll say that I don't like when someone tries to rewrite a blurb if they haven't read your work. It's a personal journey, and you need to do it yourself. No offense to Kenny, who is clearly trying to help. I will add that I agree with the advice they give above. Especially clearly defining goals and stakes.

Hope this is helpful. Good luck with it.

[Kenny]

All great advice, what Scott said. I just wanted to clarify I wasn't trying to "write" the blurb on Nicole's behalf, but simply trying to give an example, using this specific blurb, about ways to cut words and make it more concise. I think it goes without saying that the author is the only one who knows what their book really is about and what a blurb needs in terms of info, in order to paint a true image. I personally find it helpful when I share a blurb and people point out what can be trimmed, since they are seeing it with fresh eyes, whereas I've spent too much time with my book, every little detail is precious.

In any case, I wish you the best of luck with your querying journey, Nicole-Mary! Don't get discouraged and keep trying. Your query letter will most likely change a few times, same with your blurb, after each batch of queries you send, and depending on agents' response.

Regards,
Kenny

[Nicole-Mary]

Scott wrote: "Hi N-M,
First, I think it is too long. There is a lot you can trim. The whole first paragraph is about Lacey being alone, but it is said in different ways and almost to the point of overkill. Secon..."

Thank you very much for your points, they've been very helpful.
You did actually hit the nail on the head in terms of the nuclear explosions being fake, but I agree that it is vague. I'm working on making it a lot clearer. Yes, the experiment is important, but it's only really explored in the last third of the book. I don't want to overpromise and undersell.

My book is somewhat strange for it's genre in that the only real stakes are the threat of running out of supplies and dying of starvation, which I admit is much less exciting than being chased by half zombies.

Also, the re-writing of the blurb was helpful in that it showed me roughly how much I need to shorten it down to, as well as the information a reader would deem to be useful vs what I want to put in.

Thank you both so much for your opinions! I'll post the edited letter when I'm finished with it.