MG fantasy query

[Ella]

Hi everyone! Any feedback is greatly appreciated!
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Eleven-year-old Gal doesn't hate her perfect twin sister Sheera—she despises her. After all, her sister is the reason their parents think Gal is a total loser. Who wouldn’t think that while comparing her sister's straight A's and crispy-clean clothes to Gal's F's and mud-coated sneakers?

One day, during a school trip to the Western Wall, Gal scribbles a note wishing her sister was gone and slips it between the Wall's cracks. But the note transforms into an ancient scroll. It offers to grant Gal's wish if she enters the Western Wall tunnels.

Curious, Gal follows the scroll's orders and sneaks into a wrecked and empty room—a big no no for anyone who doesn't want to release evil spirits. By entering the room, she frees the demon of destruction, Asmodeus, who summons his army of demons to turn Jerusalem into a demon hive.

The only way to stop him is to kill a bunch of nasty other demons and journey through Sheol, the subterranean underworld. But can the sisters set their differences aside and work together toward a common goal?

[Elise]

Hi Ella!

Over all I think you've got a pretty solid query! The over-arching plot is clear: Gal hates her sister, wants her sister gone and, in wishing her gone, accidentally unleashes a terrifying destructive demon who they now have to stop together.

A few of my lingering thoughts/questions after reading this:

- I think I could use a clearer understanding of why Gal wants her sister to be gone--will this improve her life? Is she being mistreated? Is it just for her own self esteem? Wanting to get rid of your sister is a pretty extreme thing haha.

- You might want to specify the Jerusalem setting the first time you mention the Western Wall (unless you are confident whoever you're querying to will immediately know what location you're talking about.)

- I wasn't clear if Asmodeus emerging puts Sheera specifically in danger, or if he's just dangerous to the whole world?

- The writing of the second paragraph felt a little choppier than the rest. Maybe some of the sentences could be combined/smoothed together.

- and lastly, transitioning from "hate" to "despise" in the first line isn't a huuuge contrast. Maybe you could start with a softer term, or end with a harsher one? I think that might give that opening line a stronger impact.

These are just my thoughts, and as I said, I think you've got a solid query going here! And a good length too--getting them that short is hard!

[Ella]

Thank you so much for your great comments!

[Stephen]

Demons unleashed upon Jerusalem and the rest of the world.

Eleven-year-old Gal wasn't banking on that when she scribbled a note and stuffed it into a crack in the Western Wall, wishing her sister, the perfect twin sister, gone. All she wanted was to not be thought of as a total loser. But who wouldn’t think that while comparing her sister's straight A's and crispy-clean clothes to Gal's F's and mud-coated sneakers?

When the note transforms into an ancient scroll. It offers to grant Gal's wish if she enters the Western Wall tunnels. Curious, Gal follows the scroll's orders and sneaks into a wrecked and empty room—a big no no for anyone who doesn't want to release evil spirits. By entering, she frees the demon of destruction, Asmodeus, who summons his army of demons to turn Jerusalem into a demon hive.

Now, there is only one way to stop the scourge. She must kill a bunch of nasty demons while journeying through Sheol, the subterranean underworld. And she'll need the help of her twin, Sheera, to do it.

Can the sisters set their differences aside and work together toward a common goal? Get reading this epic tale of fantasy today and find out!

[Dana]

I like the premise! It first sounds like a Family-Movie style fantasy, then transforms into something darker and higher-octane with possible thriller, action even horror vibes.

I see your blurb has a conversational style that even comes off rather comedic, but I think some phrases work to its detriment rather than appeal. The "big no-no" phrase and the phrase "kill a bunch of nasty demons" sounds too casual and on-the-nose to take seriously/professionally.

Also, it's slightly jarring that the twin sister who was wished away is suddenly included in the last sentence. There would need to be a sentence about how Gal has to overcome her resentment or jealousy to work with her sister to solve the problem.