Rate the Hook Above You!

[[deleted user]]

Thanks! I think that makes it loads better.

[[deleted user]]

uh. good idea, but it kinda didn't make sense 2.5/5
Here's mine

BOOM! The building exploded right in my face. Had I just really done that? I walked away, leaving a pile of broken rubble behind me. If you're wondering why the heck I wanted to blow up this building, you have to go back in time 2 years.

[Maria [the clockwork creeps on useless lives], Butts butts]

I'd give that a three. It was kind of random, yet a good start and kind of ironic.

From my story Godling. (sorry lately all of my books have been depressing!)

Why is it that when I try to kill one human I end up demolishing 50 others?

[[deleted user]]

(( www.30daysthenovel.webs.com ))

[[deleted user]]

Raven (who's fav grek god is PERSEUS) wrote: "descriptive but weird and a little hard to get into overall i give it 3 9/10 out of five

MINE NOT GOOD NON EDITED
I say to the retched king" any thing you would like to do before I kill you sti..."

Thanks. Can you give me any suggestions on how to make it better??? =D

[[deleted user]]

Mandy wrote: "Raven (who's fav grek god is PERSEUS) wrote: "descriptive but weird and a little hard to get into overall i give it 3 9/10 out of five

MINE NOT GOOD NON EDITED
I say to the retched king" any th..."

ITS WEIRD when she bits her tounge so hard that she bleeds instead you could put like she balls her fists and bleeds from her hands more (discriptive of course) or have her puch a wall and have her knuckles break more dicription than that or any thing you can think of when someone does when angry/upset.

you could also describe what shes going to do in gorey deatail and say just in very unclear context why she so mad about things going so bad.

now write another one with the stuff I said and see if its better

[Ellen]

Maria-G.Weasley/INeedsMentalHelpOhLookAFlyingCooki wrote: "I'd give that a three. It was kind of random, yet a good start and kind of ironic.

From my story Godling. (sorry lately all of my books have been depressing!)

Why is it that when I try to kill on..."

That's interesting. It makes you think about why she/he would be killing humans and it makes want to read to find out the answers!
I give it a 4.5/5

Here is my hook from the first chapter of Revealed:
We were standing back to back rotating in a circle while defending our lives.

[[deleted user]]

Thanks. :D How's this?? Any more comments?
I clawed at the pages in my diary, shredding the inky hearts with our initials in them to thin peices that got caught beneath my fingernails. The hollowness that had once resided in the pit of my stomach was overcome by a fiery rage that burned my insides and turned my vision a bloody red. Tears streamed down my face, unstoppable and swift, threatening to drown me in my own grief. I threw the small book down before crushing it under the weight of my foot. Picture frames flew off of my dresser, shattering the glass into millions of tiny peices, the peices of my heart. I ripped the pictures of us in two, crumpling the halves the held him.
How could something so perfect had gone so wrong?

[[deleted user]]

Ellen ♥ wrote: "Maria-G.Weasley/INeedsMentalHelpOhLookAFlyingCooki wrote: "I'd give that a three. It was kind of random, yet a good start and kind of ironic.

From my story Godling. (sorry lately all of my books..."

Nice but it makes me wonder why they're defending their lives... I give it a 4/5

[[deleted user]]

I like it now its not so demented very descriptive gooooooooood job 4.9/10 out of 5

[[deleted user]]

Thanks =D

[[deleted user]]

5/5 Great writing, I would wanna read on. here;s mine

I chewed on my fingernails as the Inspector walked into my room. I was under my bed, trying not to make a single noise. The man clawed at my walls, ripping off the wallpaper. He leafed through my binder and then found the paper. "Ahha! Like that girl could keep her birth papers from me!" I gasped. My birth papers?

[[deleted user]]

very good a little more discriptive would help4.3 i would read that




heres one of mine.
feed back gona make it more discriptive in real writing

"raven help" said valkyrie
I'm coming I said blocking a bullet sending right back at him peircing his heart sending blood to the man standing next to him. I was blocking bullets left and right sending them every where killing anyone who shot at me until they had to reload then I pulled out my guns and shot people not using more than one bullet for each kill I find cover reloading then hop ot snding bulets at every one I shot a bullet crushing the bullets. the next shot was my last for thoose guns i shot a man near me and jumped towards him grabing his gun be fore it touched the ground firing the m-16 in a half circle killing 8 people then I feel a pain in the side of my head sending me to the ground and was I pissed

[Sella]

Perseus hero (I'm a freakin' Taco/knight/marshmel wrote: "here's one from my other book
very demented so Yeah i CAN DO ALL OF THIS

"You shot me in the foot" he said on the ground while holding his foot wich healed almost instantly.

"well you are..."

I'm sorry, but this is not appropriate for a children's group. There are ten-year-olds and younger who come onto this group. You have to read our rules. We can't have inappropriate stuff like swearing and gruesome references. I'm going to have to delete this, and please don't post something inappropriate like this again. Thank you.

[[deleted user]]

Justyn wrote: "uh. good idea, but it kinda didn't make sense 2.5/5
Here's mine

BOOM! The building exploded right in my face. Had I just really done that? I walked away, leaving a pile of broken rubble behind me...."

Were you talking about mine or someone else's? If it was mine, sorry. I looked back at it and realized I accidentally skipped a few words. Haha.

[[deleted user]]

by now, there's probably another hook above me but whatever. is it ok if i put a piece that's a hook to an EXCERPT from a thing from my writing? It could also be like to a second book or something but i doubt it.

"I wish that we'd never gone off to look for wood. We could've survived in that house for another day. But no, I was so restless that I had to drag you two, the other oldest of our family, to go look for it!" I snarled, kicking a skinny nearby tree, which made it crack and fall over. I turned to face Axel and Cougar, who seemed at a loss for words.

"Why didn't you stop me?" I screeched. I looked back up the mountain, where black smoke still trailed up from the remnants of our temporary - and now destroyed - house. We had checked up there, but when we got there, we were too late. There were no bodies - but it didn't matter. My family could have been blown to bits, or dragged away. It was too much to hope for that they could have escaped. And we couldn't have stayed long to look for them, because the E.S's would have been there soon.


(P.S. E.S's are Enhanced Sidekicks, which are bad guys.)

[[deleted user]]

and if you want to read more of that excerpt of my story, http://www.goodreads.com/story/show/5... (click on chapter 6)

thanks, i'd love some feedback!

[Maria [the clockwork creeps on useless lives], Butts butts]

Mandy wrote: "Ellen ♥ wrote: "Maria-G.Weasley/INeedsMentalHelpOhLookAFlyingCooki wrote: "I'd give that a three. It was kind of random, yet a good start and kind of ironic.

From my story Godling. (sorry lately..."

what do you mean by 'why they're defending their lives'?

[[deleted user]]

The bullet richoched off his body and flew into my cheat. Then I collapsed onto the granite. WOW! Death was a peaceful process. Who knew I would enjoy dying? Oh, you want to know the whole story of my life? Well, ok, here I go. Don't fall asleep on me.

[Krys]

Cool, 3.5/5 It kinda makes you wonder why she's dying... but I kind of think it goes to fast, like death doesn't matter and she was just rushing to get to her story :)

Jaz’s mother used to tell her that everyone should have a purpose; she used to say that anyone without one might as well be dead. If someone had no purpose, life was not worth living. Life would be desolate and empty, without any passion.

Jaz’s mother also ended up dead no more than a month after she told her that. She was killed perusing that very purpose she lived so hard for. She didn’t die of old age, or any natural cause. She died because someone managed to shoot a bullet through her heart.

Ever since that day Jaz’s life had been controlled by the Praesul—the protectors, even called the guardians. She didn’t know why she was suddenly remembering her childhood, in this dark damp room filled with pain. It must have been underground, somewhere beneath the earth now, in the cold. Alone. She was always alone, and now she was struck with a surge of fear as she looked up and into the black eyes of the demon that brought up these strange memories she’d rather leave forgotten.

[[deleted user]]

good I would read that sick
5/5


well why wouldn,t i die after being shot 4 times well love is a hard thing to get over.So I am in jail in a war well I am supposed to kill 150,000 people for me killing 43 people they decided to throw me in the war and let me die but, I'm not going to die not with out revenge for Kelly Rose Paul the my love of my life

[[deleted user]]

1 out of 5


The singers were In perfect harmony, and it made me sick. I needed an excuse to get the hel put of church. Dila was waiting for me outside, probably cursing at me by now. I rudly stood up, shoving people aside when i needed to. That was how I rolled

[[deleted user]]

1/5 its supposed to grab the readers attention


I killed him without a second glance. but what I couldn't get over what he said " don't worry shes fine take care of her." After he killed the one I loved his words started to make less sense, man what does he mean

[[deleted user]]

1 out of 5

I gasped for breath as Billy shoved my head into the rushing, deep blue water. He was an asshole...

[[deleted user]]

Maria-G.Weasley/INeedsMentalHelpOhLookAFlyingCooki wrote: "Mandy wrote: "Ellen ♥ wrote: "Maria-G.Weasley/INeedsMentalHelpOhLookAFlyingCooki wrote: "I'd give that a three. It was kind of random, yet a good start and kind of ironic.

From my story Godling. (..."

I mean it makes me want to continue reading to find out who their fighting an why. Its a great attention grabber... :D

[Riley]

Um...okay. I'll post a hook.

"LIES!" he shouted.

[[deleted user]]

Riley wrote: "Um...okay. I'll post a hook.

"LIES!" he shouted."

2 out of 5.

It is supposed to pull the reader in, like a fish, not let the fish ((reader)) go back into the pond ((meaning another story))

[[deleted user]]

Riley wrote: "Um...okay. I'll post a hook.

"LIES!" he shouted."

I give it a 3.5/5. I think its a good way to start the book, it's just very short. I'm sure you go on further to explain the situation in the later paragraphs.. :D

[★ Jess]

Justyn wrote: "((ok sorry just wanna give you constructive critsism))

there is no hook in front of me so.... ill just make one up really quick.

I should have never went into that haunted house. When I went in t..."

i liked it. others said make it HORROR STORY not FAIRY TALE.
Keep it fairy tale. Makes it sound like it was good, but twisted and opposite, and everything quickly changed sort of thing. But instead of haunted house, ust house. Hunated house makes it seem like EVERY ONE KNOWS SOMETHNG WILL GO WRONG.
change it to just house, and keep it fairy tale.

[Riley]

It's not really a real one...just a quick one I made up on the spot. :D Here, I'll add some more:

"LIES!" he shouted, throwing the objects from the table. The witness looked up at him, eyes watering, her cheeks flushed and hair ragged. "Why don't you just let me go?" She begged. "Because you're not telling the truth! What. Did. He. DO. When. You. Caught. Him." she shook her head. "I already told you! He got really embarrassed and hid in his room!"
The cop sat down and pushed his hat over his eyes. Today was going to be a long day.

[[deleted user]]

good informing what genera so overall 4/5
mines not really good


After she rejected me I almosted died but she was always at my side when I was in the hospital. thats why I've been shot 7 times for her died twice and I long for her always thats why I'm doing this.Ive killed 59,863 people for her only 40,137 people to go I will save her no matter what obstacle lies in my way I made a promise and I intend to keep it no matter what.

[[deleted user]]

Riley wrote: "It's not really a real one...just a quick one I made up on the spot. :D Here, I'll add some more:

"LIES!" he shouted, throwing the objects from the table. The witness looked up at him, eyes water..."

*claps loudly*

much better! i give that a 5/5

[★ Jess]

Sylvester Amsterdam ran, his pursuers not too far behind him.


My name is Esmerelda, i was born in the year of 1639. Sixty odd years before the legendary Salem Witch hunts began.
I died in that witch hunt.

[[deleted user]]

no rating for mine or somthing what the heck

[[deleted user]]

Riley wrote: "It's not really a real one...just a quick one I made up on the spot. :D Here, I'll add some more:

"LIES!" he shouted, throwing the objects from the table. The witness looked up at him, eyes water..."

ooh! Very nice! I like it! :D

[[deleted user]]

Booklover23 wrote: "Sylvester Amsterdam ran, his pursuers not too far behind him.


My name is Esmerelda, i was born in the year of 1639. Sixty odd years before the legendary Salem Witch hunts began.
I died in that ..."

ooh... thats nice! I give it a 4/5... :D

[Riley]

Raven wrote: "good informing what genera so overall 4/5
mines not really good


After she rejected me I almosted died but she was always at my side when I was in the hospital. thats why I've been shot 7 time..."

Well, I think it would've been really good if it had been clearer. It has got a good feel and makes me wonder. BUT your grammar and spelling could use a little work. Your sentences should have a varied length, they're all pretty long and run-on. The concept is great, the grammar, however, takes away from the actual plot.
I give it a 2.9/5, just cause of the grammar and spelling and stuff.


It was hard for me to think, to see, to even hear. It was a complete shut-down of my senses. I struggled out the words. "You're....you're breaking up with me?"

[[deleted user]]

4 out of 5

I watched as my best friend jumped off the building. He really wanted to die.

[Riley]

3/5
It sounds like you're kind of saying it...I don't know, like you really don't care. Like, "Oh, look, my friend's committing suicide. I'm going to go have some ice cream now." I don't know if it was intentional, but it kinda bugs me.
But, it draws me in, I wonder why he wants to die, and why the main character doesn't try to stop it. It makes me wonder if maybe there's a fantastical element or something, like he's invincible. "D

[Hannah]

Since the person above me didn't post a hook, I'll post mine...

It was a done deal. My life in exchange for his. I was going to give up my right to live to save the life of the person that was going to kill me. Was it ironic? No, not really. If you knew the whole story, you would understand just how I felt on this matter.

[Riley]

3/5 I felt kind of bored, it was a pretty long paragraph, but the third sentence and the last sentence were really good and drew me in. I think if you eliminated all the stuff in between, it would be better. :D


When I say the word 'nanny', what do you think? Do you think of Mary Poppins? Of Julie Roberts and England?
Well I'm here to tell you that a nanny is a whole lot worse than the movies make it seem.

[[deleted user]]

Riley wrote: "3/5 I felt kind of bored, it was a pretty long paragraph, but the third sentence and the last sentence were really good and drew me in. I think if you eliminated all the stuff in between, it would ..."

Riley: 4.5/5 This is good because it leaves me with questions but it also provides a little information about the rest of the story. I'm assuming this is from the POV of a child? It makes me wonder if this nanny is like Nanny McPhee and the children only think she's awful, or is she really a bit of a witch? Very good. I want to read more.

Roscoe Tyler was tense, very tense. He had dealt with vampires before, but they still scared the daylights out of him. He was especially afraid of the two he was meeting tonight. Martin Ferguson and Roanna Adamson were formidable, as all vampires are, but other vamps even were afraid of them.

[Riley]

♫Marisa wrote: "Riley wrote: "3/5 I felt kind of bored, it was a pretty long paragraph, but the third sentence and the last sentence were really good and drew me in. I think if you eliminated all the stuff in betw..."

4.5/5 I got way interested, but a little bored. It set up your story well, but I think there could've been time for it later on. It makes me wonder if Roscoe is a vampire, and why Martin & Roanna are so formidable. I love the names you used, too!

The song blared from the radio, and they smiled at each other. They both said, "I love this song," At the same time. Laughing, they pulled out some fruit snacks from their bag. They got the same color.

That was when I knew they belonged together.

[[deleted user]]

5/5 Woa! That really makes me want to read more! It makes me wonder if the person observing them is jealous, or approving, or what? I'm wondering if this person is going to be really miserable because of this or if they're angry and will try to separate them.

Tamra Martin is famous for a lot of things, such as her supposed good looks (I've never thought she was all that pretty), but her big mouth is kind of the umbrella one. Most things she is famous for have something to do with her mouth, like how she can spread gossip faster than anyone else in the entire school. Personally, I can't stand her. She's just down-right mean.

But, I'm jealous of her. So are a boat load of other girls. It's a good thing that envy doesn't really turn you green, or it would look like our school was being invaded by aliens.

[Krys]

5/5 It's very interesting. It captures your intention and makes you wonder who exactly Tamra Martin is, and whose talking about her. It also makes you wonder why the speaker is jealous and why Tamra Martin is so famous other than her supposed good looks :) Sorry this one is so long...

That night, was the first night she’d ever seen a Dragon.

They were rare, almost never heard of. The one she saw now was dressed in glittering ruby scales, which reflected the Hellfire burning in a dug bit before it. He must have been slightly larger than a horse, with a whip-like tail and ivory fangs. Its eyes were bright ruby optics against the night, its silhouette looming against the sky. There was something about the way it’s claws left gouges in the ground, and by the way those threatening black spines protruded down it’s spine that made it look . . . primeval. The creature looked as though it could have been born before the dawn of time, and then lived long after. It’s eyes where what disturbed her the most—those eyes weren’t natural. It wasn’t just the color—it was the cold intelligence. That calculating look that made her hackles rise and gooseflesh prickle across her arms. Those eyes were ancient, perpetual and timeless.

And then, surrounding the Hellfire were humans. It was in fact a rather heartbreaking sight—their eyes had long since lost any light in them before, at their wrists were heavy chains, at their ankles were more, binding a long string of ten together upon one. They hardly looked human anymore, their skin grey-pigmented, and their hair was dirty and thin. They clustered so close to the pool of light the flickering red-blue fire cast that it almost seemed it would surely burn them. Of course they weren’t that close for the warmth, considering they were scarcely dressed, but because of the light. They needed the light as drug attics need their next fix.

While all the while patrolling the small circle of light was four of the numerous Fallen Angels around the land. She had seen them before, but each time she saw them again it was an entire new experience. Perhaps it was because of their unearthly beauty, or perhaps it was because of their mournful looks. Perhaps it was the sense that they gave off—the sense that something great had fallen, something warm and golden and wonderful had become stoic and unchanging and horrid. They were all so beautiful, like pale statues each with black wings and black eyes, with broken chains about their wrists. She could also hear the distant cries of hellhounds in the air, rising shrilly in their broken howls. She knew demons would be stalking the perimeter more powerful ones than she was prepared to face alone. But even as it was, her eyes were locked on the strangely beautiful Dragon.

[Ellen]

5/5. I like the descriptions you have given. Immediately it makes me wonder how exactly the world came to that point, and how Dragons and Fallen Angels came about on Earth. The Fallen Angels that you have sound intrancing and you've left it at a semi-cliffhanger making the reader wonder what is going to happen next whether the dragon will see her; the dragons don't sound like the nicest things around, and what's happening to the humans. When you post the story, let me know!!

Here is my hook:
I sensed him before I saw him; the ghost. I don’t know how I notice ghosts, but when I do, I feel their presence. It was like static was in the air. At first it tickled my skin, something I wouldn’t even notice, than when I saw him I knew that it was real. I could feel the shiver go up my spin, and the hairs on the back of my neck prickled. I could just sense that he was a ghost

That is the first half of the first paragraph :D

[[deleted user]]

3/5 Out of context it is great, but in the course of a full text it is more interesting to mention the ghost ... and briefly leave them hanging as to how the main character can see ghosts while you explain what the ghost and main character are doing in relation to each other. Then explain how the main character sees ghosts.

Erm ... at least that is a possibility. It might work better differently in your story.

This is one my Papa and I planned to use, but right now it is just hanging out in my unwritten stories journal:

This is the story of when I died, but don't over concern yourself about that just yet. For one, the fact that I died isn't so much important as how, in what manner, I died.

[Jayda]

4/5 Its a great start to a story! Very intriguing, and different, and it makes me want to read more and find out how that person died. I want to know why that's more important than the fact that they died. The reason I gave it a 4/5, however, is because the last sentence is a bit confusing. Try changing it up a bit. Maybe like: For one, the fact that I died isn't as important as how I died does. Or just something like that. The "in what manner" part doesn't really seem necessary when you say the word how.


Anywho, this is the prologue of my story Rebel :) Any critiques would be lovely!!!

The world you knew is gone. It’s just gone. All of those paved roads and gorgeous cars, flashing city lights and airplanes, beautiful parties and celebrities are gone. Everything that people loved and cared about before isn’t existent anymore. What people care about now is life. Survival. You focus on surviving. You focus on yourself. Occasionally you’ll find a family or two that cares for each other, but mostly you find people that are willing to do anything to save themselves. Even by killing their best friends.

Maybe you say that you’d focus on saving the ones you love, but you don’t know what its like to try and survive out here. What were once moderately peaceful lands, once great cities now look like bomb sites and the people are savage. They only live for themselves. It’s rare that you find love anymore. It’s rare that you find someone that actually cares about your well-being.

But we care. At least we try to.

They have given us a lot of different nicknames. Psychos, rage-masters, slave-masters, murderers, sirens… The list could go on, probably for miles if I tried to list them all. Psychos and sirens were the most commonly used. Funny that they call us murderers, though. We don’t kill the innocent like they do. We protect the innocent, and we’re the only ones left, willing to fight, that we know of. The five of us against the millions of them. The rebels against the evil. The hunters against the hunting.

Welcome to my hell.

[[deleted user]]

5/5 I may be biased, but post-apoclyptic - the point pass insanity with only a few left who are capable of caring - those always catch my eye. Plus the writing is smooth and enthralling. Perhaps it is a bit telling. I thought at first the second paragraph was explaining too much too fast, but by the end of it everything was clear.

Do you have this story posted?

I don't have another hook so ...

[Brigid ✩, No tears in the writer, no tears in the reader.]

Well I don't have a hook to rate XD haha. anyway, I love that hook Jayda! it drew me in right away :)

Here's the first couple paragraphs of Walking Shadow. I forge if I already posted them, but oh well ;D


Everything is a lie.

Everything – from the expressions on your faces, to the words you speak, to the books that sit in front of you on your desks, to the clothes you wear.

It’s all a mask, a film that covers everything. But to me, that barrier is as fragile as the surface of a bubble, just waiting to be popped. It has that same, unearthly quality: strange and beautiful all at once. And underneath, there is nothing but empty space. There’s nothing that can be explained or defined.

I know everything about you.

Everything – from your darkest fears, to your deepest secrets, to your innermost feelings. I know your fantasies and your nightmares. I know what makes you feel so happy that you could burst. I know the haunting images and memories that make you wake up in the middle of the night, sweating and crying.

I know you, better than anyone knows you. Better than you know yourself.