Query help: YA Fantasy

[Megan]

Hi all,

Any feedback is appreciated! I'm also happy to read your query in exchange.

Chiama Williams, budding astronomer and newly accepted student to Medeis, was tragically killed when a bus skidded on black ice and hit her. Or, she would have been, if not for Wren, the time traveler who went back in time to save her. Not that Chiama knows any of that. Months later, Chiama shows up at Medeis, home to the best observatory on the East Coast, eager to learn about the stars and convinced she’s never experienced anything more visceral than a bad burrito. Is it weird the top school for the superpowered is suddenly interested in a normie like her? Yes, but Chiama has learned to keep it zipped when free tuition is involved.

Wren, also a student at Medeis, has her own reasons for distrusting the school. In exchange for paying her brother’s hefty medical bills, Medeis forces her to take on dangerous time-travel missions. If she can find out one of the school’s secrets, she may finally gain leverage to rewrite her contract. She’s ready to spend the school year uncovering why she was sent back in time to save a perfectly banal teenage girl.

On the first day of school, Wren schemes up a conspiratorial meet cute. Chiama is intrigued by the flighty girl who doesn’t seem quite here, but tries to keep her distance and focus on her classes. When Wren reveals the truth to Chiama, she’s torn between waving Wren off as a bored kid who reads too many thrillers and following the time traveler down the rabbit hole, risking her one chance at studying at her dream school. She’s about to turn Wren down when a shrouded figure attacks. Realizing Wren is right, Chiama agrees to help find the truth, before Medeis catches them or her would-be assassins succeed.

BROKEN STRANDS (90,000 words) is a young adult speculative fiction novel. It is thematically similar to AN ABSOLUTELY REMARKABLE THING with a character-driven plot echoing THE SPACE BETWEEN WORLDS.

[Rebecca]

Hi, I firstly want to say this sounds amazing. I'm sure your novel is great :)
I also want to mention, I really haven't done much research on querying, so excuse me if I am way off with feedback. While I think the synopsis you have is great, I feel you are missing the stakes of the story. Though I know this is not a full novel, I believe there is not much explaination of why Wren really wants to get to know Chiama, and why the assassins are really so fearsome. I'm not quite sure who the assassins are after, leaving me a little confused at the end of your synopsis. I would personally suggest making it a little more targeted to the readers and stakes, making it clearer throughout, and showing the reader and agents how your novel is character-driven.
Let me know if this helps, or if you want any more feedback. And good luck!

[Megan]

I got some feedback on other sites and tweeked it. Let me know what you think!

Wren, a time-traveling teenager, has plenty of reasons to hate Medeis, premier school for the superpowered. In exchange for paying her brother’s hefty medical bills, Medeis forces her to undertake dangerous time-travel missions. Desperate to break free of her contract, she’s been snooping around the school for classified information, hoping the right intel will earn her leverage. She senses opportunity when Medeis orders her to save an absurdly ordinary girl named Chiama. Wren digs into Chiama’s past and finds out she’s been a near-victim in five, freak accidents. This time, death stuck and Medeis wants Wren to undo it. Wren saves the girl, but can’t unearth who’s trying to kill her or why. She’s ready to give up when Chiama shows up at Medeis as an incoming student.

A budding astronomer, Chiama arrives at Medeis eager to learn the secrets of the stars in the school’s expansive observatory, convinced she’s never experienced anything more visceral than a bad burrito. Is it weird the top school for the superpowered is suddenly interested in a normie like her? Yes, but Chiama keeps it zipped when free tuition is involved.

Determined to unravel the mystery, Wren makes sure they cross paths. Chiama, intrigued by the flighty girl who doesn’t seem quite here, reveals Medeis offered her a full ride in exchange for access to her genetic material. Wren suggests they team up to discover why the school is so keen on getting a hold of Chiama’s DNA, sure she’s at the cusp of finally learning useful information.

Chiama can’t imagine there’s anything special about herself, but agrees to help the alluring time traveler, because well, she wants to keep spending time with her. When a shrouded figure attacks them both, unpowered Chiama and time-traveler Wren are plunged headfirst into the underbelly of the superpowered school. Together, they must uncover the secret lurking in Chiama’s genes, before Medeis catches them or their would-be assassin succeeds.

[Rebecca]

My only critique is the length and the fact that in the last paragraph, Chiama sounds like a bit of a "I'm not like other girls" sort of person. I also think that the bit about the burrito is off topic, but if you wanted to make it more personal to the character, the first paragraph of the original, with events and background and more showing than telling helps. I think one thing that also could help is more differing sentence structure throughout the query. It seems a lot of sentences go back and forth, with Wren does this, and Chiama does this. But other than that, I have no critiques. It sounds like a good novel, and I wish you luck in the future!

[Angela]

Reba wrote: "My only critique is the length and the fact that in the last paragraph, Chiama sounds like a bit of a "I'm not like other girls" sort of person. I also think that the bit about the burrito is off t..."

I agree with what OP said about the "I'm not like other girls" feeling. I think you could definitely go without the bit that says she can't imagine anything special about herself. Other than that I think this is a really strong synopsis!! The plot is laid out clearly and leaves just enough to the imagination to spark interest. Seems like a really interesting concept and I wish you the best of luck!!

[Megan]

Hi, thanks so much to both of you! I did some more tweaking. Let me know how paragraph 3 reads.

Wren, a time-traveling teenager, has plenty of reasons to hate Medeis, premier school for the superpowered. In exchange for paying her brother’s hefty medical bills, Medeis forces her to undertake dangerous time-travel missions. Desperate to break free of her contract, she’s been snooping around the school for classified information, hoping the right intel will earn her leverage. She senses opportunity when Medeis orders her to save an ordinary cashier named Chiama. Wren digs into Chiama’s past and finds out she’s been a near-victim in five freak accidents. This time, death stuck and Medeis wants Wren to undo it. Wren saves the girl, but can’t unearth who’s trying to kill her or why. She’s ready to give up when Chiama shows up at Medeis as an incoming student.

A budding astronomer, Chiama arrives at Medeis eager to learn the secrets of the stars in the school’s expansive observatory, convinced she’s never experienced anything more visceral than a bad burrito. It’s weird the top school for the superpowered admitted a normie struggling to pay for night school, double-weird they want her to submit to genetic testing, but Chiama keeps it zipped when free tuition is involved.

Sure she’s at the cusp of finally learning useful information, Wren makes sure they cross paths. She reveals Chiama’s life is in danger and suggests they team up to discover why. Chiama agrees the whole thing is odd, but doesn’t want to jeopardize her scholarship by making waves. When a shrouded figure attacks them both, Chiama realizes Wren is telling the terrifying truth. Together, the unpowered clerk from Buffalo and the peculiar time-traveler must uncover the secret lurking in Chiama’s genes, before Medeis catches them or their would-be assassin succeeds.

[Dana]

So I've read your latest revision, and want to help.
It's still a bit lengthy and I see a number of areas where sentences can be consolidated to reach the point faster.

Desperate to break free sentence is probably not needed. as is the She senses opportunity of the next.

You can then consolidate the two following sentences like:
"When Medeis orders her to save a cashier named Chiama, Wren discovers she has been a near-victim in five freak accidents."

I think you can tell the whole blurb from Wren's point of view. Switching from Wren to Chiama mid-blurb seems a little awkward. You can still reveal more about her like her full scholarship or normie status, but I wouldn't do it from the perspective of what Chiama feels/thinks. Additional details and smaller stakes like "Chiama jeopardizing her scholarship" I think also can be removed.

Overall though, I will vote to say that it does sound like a fun concept. The blurb has intrigue, it just needs a faster way to get to its punch.

[Megan]

Hi all, I'm just going to keep going, now that I have some free time. This is a query told totally from Wren's perspective. It is a multiple POV story but it may be too much to juggle in a query. Thank you again. This is so helpful!

Time-traveler Wren has plenty of reasons to hate Medeis, premier school for the stuck-up and superpowered. In exchange for paying her brother’s hefty medical bills, Medeis forces her to undertake dangerous time-travel missions. Her latest assignment, to save a cashier named Chiama, goes as expected until she discovers Chiama has been a near-victim in five freak accidents. When Chiama shows up as an incoming student, complete with a bogus backstory and free tuition, Wren knows she’s onto something.

Before the school can stop her, Wren finds Chiama and reveals her life is in danger. Chiama is convinced she’s never experienced anything more visceral than a bad burrito, but agrees the sudden free ride to superhero school is odd. The restricted student archives may have answers, but because Medeis surveilles Wren’s every move, she can’t break in alone. Chiama is wary of helping the eccentric time traveler, but when a shrouded figure attacks her, she realizes Wren is telling the terrifying truth. Together, they must uncover the secret lurking in Chiama’s past, before Medeis catches them or their would-be assassin succeeds.