Question M

[Jonetta]

Up until the end when Jose showed his true colors, Brian still believed in his brother. Your thoughts about why?

[Anita]

I know that the gang replaced family for Jose. It was more important than Brian. It took a lot for Brian to realize that Jose didn't love him, he was only using him.

[Sharon]

Brian looked at Jose through rose colored glasses. Brian craves the love of family. He saw what he wanted to see in Jose, not the real Jose. Brian believed that Jose would be a brother to him, and put Brian first. It was a hard lesson for Brian when he had to admit Jose didn't love him.

[Jonetta]

It’s so hard to let go of family, even when deep down you have strong suspicions about them.

Just last night my sister called me about the daughter of one of our deceased first cousins (that would make her my second cousin!). I’ll called her Bonnie for here. She’s had an extremely troubled life, falling prey to drugs for many years. When her mother died of breast cancer twelve years ago, she came to the funeral and reconnected with her huge extended family (she had eight aunts and uncles and lots of cousins, including a loving sister). She pulled herself out of the abyss and has done beautifully for years now but I’d noticed she’d gone dark on social media. My sister, who has zero relationship with her (I do because I was at the funeral and I babysat for her as a child), told me she’d gotten a phone message from her. Last night, my sister confessed that she’d hit her up for money (big sob story about no money for food, etc.) and, of course, my sister coughed it up. I told my sister she’d just paid for drugs. Bonnie’s aunts, uncles and cousins would have readily given her money if it was legit. But my sister, knowing she was taking a risk, gave it to her anyway. She refused to tell me how much. She only told me about it because she knew what I’d say and needed to be told she’d done the wrong thing.

We just want to believe the best in family, especially when we have a burning desire to have them be in our lives. I felt bad for Brian but this needed to happen for him to permanently cut ties. The illusion is forever shattered.

[Anita]

I'm so sorry for your cousin. You are right, it takes a lot to make us cut ties with family.

[Sharon]

I'm sorry to hear about your cousin. That sounds like my former boss' son. They they had to cut ties and show some tough love. He seems to be on the right track but Louise says she is still very caution with him.

Families are a challenge.

[Jonetta]

Thanks, ladies.

Bonnie had been living on the streets for years when her mother died. They had to get help to find her to let her know her mother died. When she showed up at the funeral, we were all stunned! Her Mom was this elegant, proud woman who’d never given up on her (she was the executive assistant to the chair of a Fortune 50 company) and asked on her deathbed that someone find Bonnie. The family helped her turnaround and she’s been clean for at least 10 years. I noticed a change about six months ago and it breaks my heart that she’s stumbled back.

As hard as it is, the worst thing to do is give her money.

[Sharon]

Jonetta,

You are right that giving money is the worst thing to do. It is important not to be an enabler but sometimes it is so difficult for the addict. My granddaughter told me that every day was a struggle that never got easier.

Have you ever heard the song Sober by Demi Lovatto?

There is one part where she says,

Sometimes I just wanna cave and I don't wanna fight. I'm lonely.

I hear that a lot from addicts. They truly believe they don't have anyone who understands even if they go to one of the twelve step groups. When they are in that vulnerable state is when they slip.