Beta Reader Group discussion
Covers, Blurbs, 1st Line, Query
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YA Adventure Query
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As difficult as it may seem, the blurb about the book needs to be shorter. There's too much information, and some of it needs to be stripped out to make it more streamlined.A literary agent told me no more than three paragraphs for the description. Also, the last paragraph should have a little bio info on yourself and a thank-you to the agent for considering your work.
Adam wrote: "As difficult as it may seem, the blurb about the book needs to be shorter. There's too much information, and some of it needs to be stripped out to make it more streamlined.A literary agent told m..."
Thank you! I actually do have a last paragraph regarding myself, as well as a note of gratitude for the agent. I just didn't include them here. Once again, thank you for your feedback.
I echo the earlier comment and suggest that you trim it down! You don't want to put too much detail in your query or the agent will move on. They want short and sweet. Your story sounds very interesting though! Good luck!
Shelby wrote: "I echo the earlier comment and suggest that you trim it down! You don't want to put too much detail in your query or the agent will move on. They want short and sweet. Your story sounds very intere..."Thank you so much for your feedback. I will certainly begin working on trimming it down. Is there any particular section of it that you feel could be removed while still keeping the main objective of my storyline? Thanks again!
I feel like a better hook might be to start it with something like this - at least the first sentence, so we put it in his perspective. Just my random thoughts...>Eighteen-year-old Cassian Kasther, heir to the throne of sector Arago, is supposed to be dead. He's worked hard to maintain that status since the fire that killed his family seven years ago, surviving as a pickpocket and doing his best to stay out of the new leader's sight. This all changes when the new ruler decides he needs an assassin, and Cassian is exactly what he's looking for.
Megan wrote: "I feel like a better hook might be to start it with something like this - at least the first sentence, so we put it in his perspective. Just my random thoughts...>Eighteen-year-old Cassian Kasthe..."
I actually really like how concise you made it. I was struggling to figure out how to slim it down, but this works very well. Thank you!
Dear ****,
I am writing to seek representation for my debut YA adventure novel, SUN GOES DOWN (78,000 words). Similar to the classic tale of THE LION KING, it follows the story of a self-exiled heir who’s rapidly realizing there is only so far he can run from his past.
Eighteen-year-old Cassian Kasther, Heir to the sector Arago, is dead. He burned alongside his family in the accidental fire seven years prior. A new Crius, or leader, has since filled the shoes Cassian was once meant to. There’s just one problem: Cassian Kasther isn’t dead. And he’s intent on no one learning that, especially the new Crius.
The swearing in of this new Crius has brought danger to Arago. It also brought the invention of the Flower, a device capable of matching one’s blood to their identity. For seven years, Cassian has pickpocketed, blending in with the other criminals of Arago. It’s kept his identity, and his blood, away from the Flower. But following a set-up, Cassian is captured.
It soon becomes clear that this was no mere ploy to have him taken out. The new Crius is looking for a fresh assassin, and his current one, Prather, has selected Cassian for the role. When faced with the choice of remaining in captivity to die alongside Arago’s other criminals, or training as Prather’s apprentice right under the nose of the new Crius, Cassian agrees to become Prather’s apprentice, vowing to ditch him later.
But things aren’t so simple (they never are, are they?). Prather seems just as trapped by the new Crius as Cassian is, and Cassian’s guard begins slipping like never before. With time growing short before he’s presented as the Crius’ assassin, and with the reintroduction of faces from his childhood, Cassian is learning that the past isn’t easy to escape. And maybe, just maybe, he never really wanted to do so in the first place.