Mack is listening to Welcome to Nightvale while doing schoolwork

[mary (betty’s version)]

alsoooo hi macky n cheese!

[mary (betty’s version)]

mr chez how art thou doingeth

[mary (betty’s version)]

it’s okayyy
how are youeth

[mary (betty’s version)]

is idk better than you have been??

I’m… hmm
terrified bc it just hit me that I have 5 school days left until I’m a senior in high school and holy shit it’s all going too fast

[sephora ౨ৎ⸆⸉]

mary (me and you, true blue) wrote: "is idk better than you have been??

I’m… hmm
terrified bc it just hit me that I have 5 school days left until I’m a senior in high school and holy shit it’s all going too fast"

slayyyy

[sephora ౨ৎ⸆⸉]

also hi macketh

[mary (betty’s version)]

swara (aaron and cardan's version) wrote: "mary (me and you, true blue) wrote: "is idk better than you have been??

I’m… hmm
terrified bc it just hit me that I have 5 school days left until I’m a senior in high school and holy shit it’s al..."

not slay at all bagel
it’s a lot
it just hit me like a ton of bricks
I’m so scared and yes it’s exciting but I’ll be leaving these 15 PEOPLE and I’ve grown up with most of them (with the exception of new kids lol) and just sksjsjsjsjsisi it’s so much

[mary (betty’s version)]

yk what IS slay, tho? I’m listening to dress and it is totally lifting my mood i love this song

[sephora ౨ৎ⸆⸉]

oh sorry
that's a big realization tho-

[mary (betty’s version)]

swara (aaron and cardan's version) wrote: "oh sorry
that's a big realization tho-"

yeah
it’s… insane
I wanna hit the pause button
or slow it down

[sephora ౨ৎ⸆⸉]

mary (me and you, true blue) wrote: "swara (aaron and cardan's version) wrote: "oh sorry
that's a big realization tho-"

yeah
it’s… insane
I wanna hit the pause button
or slow it down"

ORRRRR
HIT THE REWIND BUTTON AND GO BACK TO THE PIXIE-CUT-MARY DAYS

[mary (betty’s version)]

swara (aaron and cardan's version) wrote: "mary (me and you, true blue) wrote: "swara (aaron and cardan's version) wrote: "oh sorry
that's a big realization tho-"

yeah
it’s… insane
I wanna hit the pause button
or slow it down"

ORRRRR
HI..."

DID I TELL YOU ABOUT THAT
WHY DID I EVER TELL YOU ABOUT THAT

[sephora ౨ৎ⸆⸉]

YOU MENTIONED IT
AND I REMEMBER E V E R Y T H I N G (jk i have the memory of a goldfish it's only cuz u said it very recently)

[mary (betty’s version)]

swara (aaron and cardan's version) wrote: "YOU MENTIONED IT
AND I REMEMBER E V E R Y T H I N G (jk i have the memory of a goldfish it's only cuz u said it very recently)"

I DO NOT REMEMBER MENTIONING IT LMAO

[sephora ౨ৎ⸆⸉]

Mango wrote: "You’re all better off without me anyways

Bye, Mack"

:o

[Bug Juice (you're washing my pain clean with love)]

mack is listening to anson seabra whilst fighting off a panic attack actually but whatever

[sephora ౨ৎ⸆⸉]

hi macky!!! how iz life

[Bug Juice (you're washing my pain clean with love)]

as it turns out, stunningly not good

[Bug Juice (you're washing my pain clean with love)]

how is your life going?

[mary (betty’s version)]

MACKYYYYYYY

[Bug Juice (you're washing my pain clean with love)]

mary (betty’s version) wrote: "MACKYYYYYYY"

yoooooooooooooooooooooo

[Bug Juice (you're washing my pain clean with love)]

Mack is 👌 this close to losing their fucking shit and would like to apologize to their friends for being so inactive cause he does not have a good excuse

[sephora ౨ৎ⸆⸉]

MACKYYYYYYYYYY
it’s ok
how iz life in the mackverse

[Bug Juice (you're washing my pain clean with love)]

life in the mackverse is going. I'm running for homecoming prince with my friend aless. I'm running cross country again. I got a phone. I can keep going, there's been a lot that's happened. How's like in your universe?

[Bug Juice (you're washing my pain clean with love)]

hm

[Bug Juice (you're washing my pain clean with love)]

well

[sephora ౨ৎ⸆⸉]

slayyyy
that sounds fun

[Bug Juice (you're washing my pain clean with love)]

Lady Lemonade wrote: "Keep going"

okay so
in the mackverse

~im going to homecoming with the prettiest girl in the school
~i want to be going to homecoming with tyler
~the prettiest girl in the school happens to be one of my best friends and she's flipping amazing
~i miss tyler
~I ran a 25 minute 5k
~I am on track to be valedictorian
~I have taken to scratching my skin open during my panic attacks again and I really need to stop doing that
~I might have tendonitis again
~I got an ice pack on my leg because I might have tendonitis again and I used to go get ice and tyler would go with me cause I was his ride home and idk it made me think of that whole time period and don't tell him this but I fucking miss him
~tyler says he likes someone who he has managed to completely ruin his chances with and I think it might be maddy again and I think he might kinda resent me for that
~seasonal depression
~i kinda want to be a good Christian kid but I don't exactly fit the stereotype and I just want to fit in somewhere so I keep acting like this disappointment gay kid so I can fit in and I don't know
~im tired of not knowing who I am
~ I don't remember how to write poetry lol
~i miss talking to tyler
~i want tyler to literally send me an essay about what he's thinking right now. like I just want to hear him talking. idk how to talk about whats going on with me but I want to hear from him and fuck I think I talk too much
~Im building a coil pot in ceramics and its really fun
~My room has become a depression hole and I don't have time to clean it
~I hate eating lol
~My heart rate is too high and my blood sugar is low and my asthma is being weird and also tendonitis and I'm scratching my skin open because panic attacks and its better than cutting myself but at least cutting is less ugly and I'm getting these headaches and apparently I need vision therapy
~I haven't played my saxophone in way too long
~I had to quit marching band
~im g a y and I like tyler and he's fucking straight kill me now
~i love my family but I'm g a y and a disappointment
~i don't remember my dreams anymore
~I love french class
~Im crying a lot more recently and I don't want to die but everything s u c k s
~I went bowling and to dinner for my friends birthday and it was actually really fun and I think they enjoyed me being there
~pre calc is sooooo fun and so it chemistry and anatomy and strength training and french and ceramics but not englis
~fuck english
~i can only bench 45 pounds I'm so weak kill me now
~reading. gib book recs.
~I FUCKING MISS THE SUMMER AND I MISS TYLER AND I MISS FEELING LIKE I BELONGED AND I MISS NOT BEING DEPRESSED AND I MISS THE SUMMER thank you
~hehe gay club was today it was fun but the annoying kids screaming about arson pissed me tf off
~i need to get over tyler because he's clearly over me
~I love happy meals
~IM friends with kids from youth group and they're actually pretty cool
~my sister is home from college for this semester and shes being a b i t c h
~i wish you could actually turn someone gay instead of whatever the hell happened this summer
~ i never even got to kiss him
~i don't have a ride to the meet this Saturday and I'm actually kinda scared
~TAYLOR SWIFT IS COMING OUT WITH A NEW ALBUM OCTOBER 21ST AT MIDNIGHT AND IM LITERALLY SO EXCITED
~what if i got high to kill all my feelings
~my cat cant sleep with me anymore and i wanna die
~theres a lot of pent up rage in high schoolers and it scares me
~im actually friends with oli now and i feel so cool
~im bad at being naji's friend. here's a public apology
~i started listening to country music again
~i hate being trans
~i was sad again today. the kind of sad that comes when I'm happy and there's nothing wrong. the kind of sad that just seeps into my bones and says that things wont stay like this forever and something will go wrong. the kind of sad that makes me want to crawl under the dirt and rot there until I die and it hit me like a truck. i forgot the way it felt because I was so used to summer. isaac asked me to go to homecoming with him as friends and make fun of the couples. spetember 16th seems too far away to be thinking about that. i don't feel like ill make it to September 16th. don't respond and say "don't say things like that" don't tell me not to be suicidal don't tell me not to be depressed don't tell me you care I don't care anymore
~I found out that my third degree burn could've killed me in 6th grade in anatomy class the other day and I kind of wished it did. i might stop talking to anyone for a couple of months and see what happens. i might not make it a couple months, I want to sleep forever.
~I'm thinking about flat out sprinting the 5k as hard as I can. My heartrate is so high already I think if I do it my heart will do that thing that Secretariat did and explode or something which would be kind of funny. I'm going to kill my legs but I'm actually kind of looking forward to it. all you have to do is turn the part of your brain off that senses pain and you get really good at that after slitting your veins a couple of times.
~ did you know that every 40 seconds someone kills themselves? I dont want to be a statistic. I hold my breath, I count to forty. I was not a statistic in that 40 seconds. every forty seconds is a win. tyler's name is still in my suicide plan. tyler's name is still written down with his phone number and I'm still supposed to call him if I feel like killing myself. who the fuck tells someone to call a kid when they're feeling suicidal? he's just a kid why would I want to put that on him that would never be his fault it would never be his responsibility, he's FOURTEEN. it shouldn't be anyone's responsibility. its no one's fault but my own if I kill myself
~if there is a god, he will have to beg my forgiveness. what kind of universe is this.
~You ask me what home is
I tell you of crayon-covered walls
the gritty taste of sidewalk chalk
the ashes and sand under the grill
the click of a gas fireplace

You ask me what home is again
this time I remember the smell of books
tiny little paper cuts from turning pages
the dusty taste of free summer lunch
bare feet in the reading tower, bubbles and fish

Again, you ask me what home is
I tell you about spiral bound notebooks
the scratchy hospital gowns and itchy IV
3am mornings sleeping on church pews
7 year olds communicating by email

You shake your head What is home?
Guitar strings and saxophone notes
Bonfire smoke and ranch dressing
The Wellerman Sea Shanty and Mau Maui
"I'm happy you're alive"

You still refuse. What is home?
A parking lot full of memories that are his and not mine
an alleyway (Can I do something impulsive?)
hand in my hand, wall clock in the grass
two arms around me when I am at my worst

You chuckle. What is home?
My father's jacket and A1 Steak Sauce
Softball signed by OMIGOD I MET THE DAISIES
face split into a grin, fireworks, chicken tenders
he held my hand, he held my hand, he held my hand

You ask me one more time:
What is your home, little bug?

It is carried on my back like a turtle
memories made of slishy sloshy bug juice
Places when I was safe
Times where I was whole
the queit noise of the car ride home
the bus stop at seven in the morning
the elementary school parking lot at 1am
the top of the bricks in the afternoon sun
Middle left, top left, bottom left
bottom left, bottom left, middle right, top middle
home is something I carry around

Home is a turtle shell on my back
~I.
Yesterday I ached and
visited the graveyard of my heart
Yesterday I went grave robbing
searching for someone
to make me forget you
My hands were covered in dirt
and blood
I think it was my own but
it might have been yours

II.
Today I cried and
sang songs about heartbreak
I wore my father's jacket
and pretended it was the same
as a hug
Today I missed my brother
and sat in his chair
in his room and pretended
he was there with me like before
Today I messaged you
too many times in a row and
tried to remember how to be friends with people other than
you

III.
Tomorrow I will pick apples
and make the apple crisp
I wanted to teach you to make
I will run a 5k in
my new spikes and I will not even
want to tell you my time
I will go to a bonfire with my cousin
and we will laugh
about the fact that I cried over you
Tomorrow I will make new friends
and memories and
not a single part of tomorrow
will know your name

IV.
Tomorrow I will drive past Taylor and
Broadway and I will not even care
Tomorrow I will cry for you on the kitchen floor
but I will not beg you to stay

V.
Today I picked the apple the
the hornets ate from and fell in
love with someone before knowing
his name. Today I ran until my legs
gave out and didn't cry when the
strawberries spelled. Today I hugged
my cousin and talked to my dad.
Today I didn't cry when I talked about
youand the knots in my chest remembered
how to be heartstrings. Today I slept in the
sun and told stories my dad told me.
Today I sat by the fire and enjoyed it
for its warmth and not its destruction
Today I remembered to smile without
forcing it. Today I was alive and I was
happy and my god it was amazing
Today I didn't want to die. Today I
breathed in and my lungs didn't ache
Today I didn't want to die. God isn't that
amazing? Today I wanted to be alive
Today I was better.
Better is a good thing to be.
~I.
There's no easy way to say
that I am broken in pieces
and they're trapped
somewhere far inside me
I can't feel anything except
for the hunger but
at least I am safe

II.
If it's over don't
tell me, If you don't
love me don't tell me
Let me not take the hint
Let me pretend someone
cares for just a second
If it's over just leave
me don't leave me trapped
in a fantasy, I'd rather
die than live a fucking lie

III.
I'm not enough and I know
and I'm sorry that
sometimes I don't want to
keep breathing I'm not enough
and you should run as far
away from me as you
can but I'll never tell you
that because I need you and I'd
give you anything just to make
sure you'll stay, You're the
realest person I've met in
a long time and I think you
are made of clay and sweat
You are something too anciently
beautiful for me to touch
I need to hug you I need you
to hold me seep into me
remind me how to be alive
and you need to run
as far away
as you can
~I can't find nothing poetic in it
Which one of us gave up first?
I'm trying to convince myself
I am not a tragedy
I'm trying to teach myself
weren't we gods for a second?

There is no art or beauty
in the fact that people drift
away and apart and sometimes
there's nothing we can do
about it but
weren't we gods for a second?

I am starving and there is
something savage, feral inside of me
I don't know when to let things go
and my kind of love will rip you apart
I am claws and teeth and blood and
weren't we gods for a second?
~You asked if I was okay and
little firefly thoughts flashed
behind my dead brown eyes

I wanted to package up
all the times I had been okay
and place them in front of you
I wanted to watch your hands
rip the wrapping paper away
I wanted to say

See? I told you I was whole
I wanted your eyes to dance
I wanted not to be broken
I wanted you to look at me and say
She is not a tragedy

But you said my eyes seem sad
even when I smile
~I.
I know I wasn't your favorite song
but I still thought you might be proud of me

II.
The parson is screaming at the congregation
and he called himself a hillbilly
just a second ago
but I'm still not sure
what he's trying to tell me
besides going to church will give you a headache

III.
The clock on the wall isn't ticking
and my head hurts
why do you have a microphone if you're already screaming

IV.
Ils sont penibles et
Ils ne sont pas très intelligents et
Je veux retourner chez moi mais
ma mère parle avec ses copains
et mon père dort dans la voiture
~I'm about to run out of space to say all the things echoing inside of my head but tyler said I had the best personality in the school. BUt he said I won on a technicality. What was the

[Bug Juice (you're washing my pain clean with love)]

RowenVy wrote: "Oh my fucking god. Im sobbing. Wth. Your writing so so fucking beautiful and just… wow."

its really not but thank you <3

[Bug Juice (you're washing my pain clean with love)]

Lady Lemonade wrote: "I’ve never once told you not to be depressed or suicidal and just because you don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t care about you"

I care about you. i guess that was more targeting at people like tyler who would be like "don't do that" and fuck it was so sweet and fuck I miss it and fuck he cared but I cant I cant I ant I cant I cant
and I'm sorry I took it out on you

[Bug Juice (you're washing my pain clean with love)]

RowenVy wrote: "Bug Juice (You're not lost if no one is looking) wrote: "RowenVy wrote: "Oh my fucking god. Im sobbing. Wth. Your writing so so fucking beautiful and just… wow."

its really not but thank you

Don..."
do you write poertyyyyy

[Bug Juice (you're washing my pain clean with love)]

Lady Lemonade wrote: "My words mean shit now
I mean shit now
But if there’s anything I can do,
Please let me know"

your words mean so much more than shit and so do you
there's nothing anyone can do frogg I'm just broken I guess lol
<3

[Bug Juice (you're washing my pain clean with love)]

RowenVy wrote: "Bug Juice (You're not lost if no one is looking) wrote: "RowenVy wrote: "Bug Juice (You're not lost if no one is looking) wrote: "RowenVy wrote: "Oh my fucking god. Im sobbing. Wth. Your writing so..."

ahhhh showeth meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

[Bug Juice (you're washing my pain clean with love)]

Lady Lemonade wrote: "Bug Juice (You're not lost if no one is looking) wrote: "RowenVy wrote: "Bug Juice (You're not lost if no one is looking) wrote: "RowenVy wrote: "Oh my fucking god. Im sobbing. Wth. Your writing so..."

ahhh whatstheir nameeee

[Bug Juice (you're washing my pain clean with love)]

Lady Lemonade wrote: "Bug Juice (You're not lost if no one is looking) wrote: "Lady Lemonade wrote: "I’ve never once told you not to be depressed or suicidal and just because you don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t care abo..."

its worth everything. thank you for being here

[Bug Juice (you're washing my pain clean with love)]

Lady Lemonade wrote: "Bug Juice (You're not lost if no one is looking) wrote: "Lady Lemonade wrote: "My words mean shit now
I mean shit now
But if there’s anything I can do,
Please let me know"

your words mean so mu..."

I'm sorry

[Bug Juice (you're washing my pain clean with love)]

its all i know how to do
andi have so much to apologize for
and I don't know how to apologize to everyone I've hurt
and so I apologize to everyone I can just hoping hoping hoping one of them will be someone who needs it

[Bug Juice (you're washing my pain clean with love)]

~the apologies continue~

[sephora ౨ৎ⸆⸉]

RowenVy wrote: "Oh my fucking god. Im sobbing. Wth. Your writing so so fucking beautiful and just… wow."

ikr
macky stole everyone’s talent and multiplied it by 100000000000x

[Bug Juice (you're washing my pain clean with love)]

lol no
also i know i talk about tyler a lot but I just wish I knew what he thought of me, yknow? whats going on in that fluffy little head of his?

[sephora ౨ৎ⸆⸉]

a lot of that sounds great! i love precalc too ehehe
but i know my words will be empty
but let me know if i can help in any way 💜💜 (btw i ONLY use purple hearts rn because of the movie i haven’t even seen it but still) i hope it turns out ok

[Bug Juice (you're washing my pain clean with love)]

hehe tylers favorite color is purple
i like it cause it feels safe

[sephora ౨ৎ⸆⸉]

TYLER THINKS YOU ARE THE MOST AWESOME TALENTED PERSON ON EARTH BC U IZ <333💜💜💜💜💜💜 ehehe i iz telepathic

[sephora ౨ৎ⸆⸉]

what does that mean

[sephora ౨ৎ⸆⸉]

LMAO ILY

[Bug Juice (you're washing my pain clean with love)]

RowenVy wrote: "Bug Juice (You're not lost if no one is looking) wrote: "lol no
also i know i talk about tyler a lot but I just wish I knew what he thought of me, yknow? whats going on in that fluffy little head ..."

fist bump

[Bug Juice (you're washing my pain clean with love)]

b͓̽e͓̽l͓̽l͓̽a͓̽d͓̽o͓̽n͓̽n͓̽a͓̽ wrote: "TYLER THINKS YOU ARE THE MOST AWESOME TALENTED PERSON ON EARTH BC U IZ <333💜💜💜💜💜💜 ehehe i iz telepathic"

literally yes i love him so much

[Bug Juice (you're washing my pain clean with love)]

Lady Lemonade wrote: "Tms?"

hmmmm
my mind feels like a stae slushy

tms?

[Bug Juice (you're washing my pain clean with love)]

Lady Lemonade wrote: "For sake of context, when I say that ^^
I am quoting the owl from the tootsie pop commercial"

I L O V E Y O U

[Bug Juice (you're washing my pain clean with love)]

Lady Lemonade wrote: "Bug Juice (You're not lost if no one is looking) wrote: "Lady Lemonade wrote: "Tms?"

hmmmm
my mind feels like a stae slushy

tms?"

I bought my first ring and it has stars on itt and I love it so ..."

I put a lot of work into my spam account so everyone thinks I'm happy and the reason I do it is I'm trying to convince myself I think
tms?