YA Fantasy Query - First Attempt

[Fyri]

First reactions:

Be bold in the opening! I'd suggest saying "It will appeal" instead of "It may appeal". Show them that you are confident about the potential of your book.

Second sentence of pitch: Wow. Lots of stuff to unpack. I like this—each unexpected turn drew my interest and didn't confuse or overwhelm me.

I might suggest making sure your verb tense is more consistent in this first paragraph. The last sentence here is a little clunky regardless and feels a little jarring coupled under the same label as a "curiosity that happened" as the "became the same age as her mother" bit." It doesn't sound like I would say "I tried to do thing" is a "curiosity that happened," but now I think I just sound confusing. XD Let me know if that didn't make any sense. I love knowing this info and it intrigues me, but the wording is awkward to me.

It might be fine, but "elusive golden city" felt to wordy here for me! I want to choose one adjective for the pitch.

Consider "The alchemists are obsessed with immortality and therefore view necromancy as the height of sacrilege. They will kill her only friend." Also! Because you have this part, you don't have to mention it is forbidden above. We'll gather that and the dangers for her and her friend here!

I definitely had to look up what "Marmee" meant.

This may be difficult, but I'd also suggest seeing if you can cut down on how many characters you mention in your query. We only have so many words to get to know the story and characters here, it can be overwhelming to learn about more than two or three in this short time.

Ah, also, I forgot about the exile. I thought the plot was going to be "get Lochlann back from Spindlemere" but here it sounds like the plot is more about her and her sisters challenging their banishment. I see that the two things are connected, but this third paragraph bring up too many questions for me, that are less "entice" and more "confuse/but why??" questions. Why "must" her sisters help her? Why do they care about Lochlann that much. Why do they all have illicit powers?? How many characters are being introduced in the first three chapters? Is this author able to do this well—I ask with doubt and fear in the back of my head, due to being confused and overwhelmed in this pitch thus far. Maybe you are able to pull it off, but presentation is key in a query. Somethings may have to be left out, and it can be DIFFICULT to figure out what should or shouldn't, as you'll see me also struggle with when I post my revised query soon. XD

The third paragraph has a lot of exciting elements and seems to tell the bulk of where the story will go! I kind of wish I could see parts/the atmosphere/elements of this paragraph woven throughout the ones above it!

MM! Especially since it is a multi-POV story! Maybe mention that in the opening, actually! If it is multi-POV, would Aisling be the protagonist? Perhaps something like "multi-POV, that leans toward Aisling as the protagonist/main POV character," but like, with better wording. XD

Autistic and asexual rep!!!! :DDDD I'm not autistic, but I love seeing ownvoices autistic fantasy stories get out there! <3

Lastly! Yes! I think you should absolutely say it has steampunk elements! You want your agent to be in love with your story, so any agent that would be turned off by this is probably not one that you'll want to work with. You want them to love your story because they need to have the passion to sell it and be on the same page as you when it comes to editing. Maybe say it is steampunk when mentioning the genre! I've seen agents out there that are looking for this specifically too!

Hope that helps!

[Annie]

Fyri wrote: "First reactions:

Be bold in the opening! I'd suggest saying "It will appeal" instead of "It may appeal". Show them that you are confident about the potential of your book.

Second sentence of pit..."

Thank you SO much for giving such a detailed response!! This has been helpful. You definitely confirmed some of my concerns, especially that I may be packing way too much information into 3 paragraphs. You're right that it's difficult finding the right elements to focus on when you're trying to be enticing, and I suspected I was packing in too many buzzwords/characters haha. I really appreciate all of your points, and will consider them going forward on the revision :)

[Adam]

The impression I get from the blurb is that this has the potential to be an interesting story, but I do think it needs considerable polishing, which obviously is not unexpected since this is your first attempt. Mainly, it needs to be streamlined and have some confusing elements removed. As for mentioning it has elements of steam punk, I don’t think that’s an issue as it will only take a few words, and there are other areas you can cut from.
Just some general observations/thoughts.
1) I don’t really consider either of the two things that happen in the first paragraph as “curiosities.”
2) The word “adolescent” is unnecessary because we already know the mother is 17.
3) The phrase “who happens to be her pirate captain and the reason her family lives in exile” feels wedged-in and clunky here. Maybe reword or make it a separate sentence?
4) I would mention Lochlann in the last sentence of the first paragraph. It seemed like he kind of came out of nowhere in the second graph. Maybe say, “with the help of her dearest friend, Lochlann, she tries to conjure her dead father …”
5) Question I have after reading first paragraph: Is Aisling also immortal?
6) You can probably leave out that the alchemists are obsessed with immortality. It didn’t make much sense to me that this obsession leads to them also viewing necromancy as the height of sacrilege. Maybe just say, “The alchemists consider necromancy the greatest sacrilege and will execute her only friend.” Cut six words out of that sentence alone.
7) Question I have after reading the second paragraph: How does Aisling know where Lochlann and the demon went when they disappeared?
8) The last paragraph felt like there was a little too much info, and I agree with some of Fyri’s observations here.
9) I have no idea what a Marmee is.
10) I didn’t know the family was banished from the sea. I understood they were living in exile, but the impression I got from the first paragraph, with her mother being a pirate captain, was that they were banished at sea.
11) Can probably cut “- both above and below the surface” to save space. This can be explained in the book.
12) Can also cut “With her own harrowing past with Spindlemere, Aisling prepares to face her past tormentors,” Falls under the label too much information in a blurb. Let that be found out in the book.
Hope at least some of this helps, and good luck going forward.

[Annie]

Adam wrote: "The impression I get from the blurb is that this has the potential to be an interesting story, but I do think it needs considerable polishing, which obviously is not unexpected since this is your f..."

This definitely helped a lot, thank you Adam! I appreciate all of the detail you went into. I was a little concerned that I was squeezing too many elements into this query (to the point it might become convoluted), so it's good to have that confirmed. I'll be using your critiques on the next try. Please let me know if you have your own query posted on here, and I'll give some thoughts and feedback. Cheers!

[Adam]

Annie wrote: "Adam wrote: "The impression I get from the blurb is that this has the potential to be an interesting story, but I do think it needs considerable polishing, which obviously is not unexpected since t..."

https://www.goodreads.com/topic/show/...

[Annie]

Updated. I'm always up for a swap if someone needs their letter reviewed!