Query Help — Fantasy Adventure

[Conrado]

Looking for critique and advice, thank you all in advance!

* * *

Dear Agent,

Alexander is the first pirate in over a century to cross the seas into our world. In a desperate final effort to gain an audience with the mysterious Lord of Mushrooms, the sailor’s obsession leads to a strange and fateful encounter inside the PINK ROOM, where days later his cabin boy Kai wakes up on a beach, far south, to find himself ensouled within one of Lizzy’s plush bunnies.

Left to the mercy of foreign lands, Kai and his best friend Haesh (a young alchemist with a dark past) embark on an unusual journey to find Lizzy, who has been missing since the incident, while unwinding the great and bloody mystery surrounding Alexander, their master turned foe.

But Haesh and Kai quickly discover that they are not the only ones in pursuit of the dangerous sailor. And that beyond the edges of our world, within a larger unknown continent, is kept hidden the true history of humanity on this planet, where gnomes and shamans take up a whole new meaning, and where an ancient brotherhood of adventurers and sages known as PIRATES have been at the helm of the evolution of our species for over hundreds of thousands of years. All roads lead back to the events of that cold autumn night, to pull back the veil of the PINK ROOM and to see what shadowy secrets lie within. Aye, our heroes will soon learn that Alexander and the Lord of Mushrooms are not the only monsters hidden within the crevasses of this world…

I am seeking representation for my debut novel LORD OF MUSHROOMS, the first volume in a contemporary fantasy adventure overall titled PINK ROOM. The manuscript is complete with 113,625 words and is available, in part or in full, upon request. The second volume is also complete, at 96,461 words, and is in the final stages of editing.

(The rest is a short bio / personalized message)

[Fyri]

Okay. First reactions:

First line made me pause to reread, because "Wait, what? Ooooh~!" Good hook.

Second line made me laugh at 'Lord of Mushrooms'. I've decided this will be a fun book here.

After this, the paragraphs gets too confusing for me. Partially because you introduce too many things that we know nothing about (the PINK ROOM, Kai, Kai's situation, Lizzy, Lizzy's plush bunnies) with little to no context, and partially because the wording is a bit clunky and confusing on its own.

Second paragraph: I definitely recommend you keep your pitch down to one or two named characters and their situations. ^_^ Otherwise, it becomes too much to explain or too confusing for the short letter.

Third paragraph: Lol, 'Aye'. Cute. This paragraph has wonderful information, but does not belong in a pitch. It sounds more like something you'd find in the glossary or a field book or wiki about the book/s. It's a lot of world building, and while epic, that is not the job of the query.

Remember, the query is meant to be a worm on a hook. Don't tell them everything, just tell them enough to make them intrigued.

I can imagine you perhaps starting with the PINK ROOM. A little opening like "The PINK ROOM harbors many shadowy secrets. Monsters are hidden in the crevasses of this world. Kai is a cabin boy whose dream is _____. Instead, he wakes up one day and finds himself cursed inside a [familiar? strange?] plush bunny. "

Alternatively, I also see something like "Kai is a cabin boy who just woke up on a beach far south from where he was headed and stuck inside an [adorable?] plush bunny. [snarky remark here? Maybe snarky remark about the PINK ROOM even?]" working well for you.

In the second paragraph, I'd keep the details to a minimum. It seems like Haesh may be the best bet for the second named character, but all we need to know here is that he is Kai's best friend, not that he's an alchemist with a dark past. Save that for the novel or the synopsis! The query letter is not for spoilers; the synopsis is!

After that, I might suggest you draw your focus to one goal/situation. What is the major overarching goal/problem for this first volume? If finding Lizzy and unwrapping the mystery of Alexander go hand in hand, how can you talk about them in a way that makes them both part of the same problem in a quicker, simpler way? Again, avoid mentioning more than two names in the pitch if possible!

Don't throw all your wonderful worldbuilding in their face (yet), rather, entice them just enough to make them *want* to ask!

Keep in mind, the ultimate job of your query letter is to sell your book to an agent, while also telling them how *they* could sell your books to publishers/book stores. The query letter is all about marketing. Consider using comp titles!

I can't say much on the last bit, other than generally shy away from mentioning that your debut book is part of a series (and your word count miiiight raise second thoughts).

Series: This is only because while it is actually awesome that you are able to say the second volume is already nearly finished, it doesn't change the fact that they are taking a risk all in all. If your first book doesn't sell well, they aren't gonna care about your second book. Still, having it finished and nearly ready to sell too might work in your favor.

Word Count: Idk anymore if agents do care as much as advice pages say they will. If the story is strong and sellable, the word count is less of an issue. And fantasy word count is somewhat malleable. Still, over 100k is risky (mine is 104k, so I feel the pain) and over 110k is even more so. If you've had your betas and CPs help you get it down to the lowest count it can be while still telling the story in its best way, than I wish you luck. Otherwise, I'd suggest seeking betas/CPs to help you figure out how to get this down! (You may even have two plots/storylines in this first volume that could be split into two separate novels!)

Anyway! Hope this helps! Good luck! ^_^

[Mikael]

A nice and astute reply Fyri. Well done. ☺️

[Fyri]

Mikael wrote: "A nice and astute reply Fyri. Well done. ☺️"

^_^ Thanks! Please do mention if you disagree or have other thoughts though! We're all just one perspective in the grand scheme of things and all reactions are important for understanding our writing and its success or impact! :) ;)

[Conrado]

Fyri wrote: "Okay. First reactions:

First line made me pause to reread, because "Wait, what? Ooooh~!" Good hook.

Second line made me laugh at 'Lord of Mushrooms'. I've decided this will be a fun book here.

..."

Absolutely amazing advice Fyri, thank you! You hit everything right on the mark, it's crazy how I couldn't see it myself! Query letters are the devil, it's like trying to stuff an elephant into Ariana Grande's nightgown.

Anyway, I am so grateful for your response. Hopefully others will be able to take something from your comment for their own works.

Warm hug!

[Fyri]

Query letters really are. I loved my first few. And then realized they were actually terrible and I really began to understand the hatred for them. Wonderful analogy. xD

And thank you!

[Conrado]

Conrado wrote: "Fyri wrote: "Okay. First reactions:

First line made me pause to reread, because "Wait, what? Ooooh~!" Good hook.

Second line made me laugh at 'Lord of Mushrooms'. I've decided this will be a fun ..."

I know you're very busy yourself, but can I be so bold as to ask for your opinion on this updated version? I took all your advice and shortened by a lot:

Dear Agent,

Alexander is the first pirate in over a century to cross the seas into our world. Where in a desperate final effort to gain an audience with the mysterious Lord of Mushrooms, the young sailor’s obsession leads to a strange and magical encounter deep inside an abandoned theme park.

Days later, his cabin boy Kai wakes up on a beach, far south, to find himself ensouled within a familiar plush bunny, and who (alongside his best friend Haesh) embarks on an unusual journey to unwind the great and bloody mystery surrounding Alexander and the events of that fateful cold autumn night. But the boys soon discover that they are not the only ones in pursuit of the dangerous sailor, their once mentor turned public enemy, and that the Lord of Mushrooms is not the final monster hidden within the crevasses of this world…

PINK ROOM; LORD OF MUSHROOMS is an adult fantasy that begins like a cozy Stephen King horror but which quickly avalanches into something of the scope and ambition of James Cameron’s Avatar films. A gripping, whimsical adventure bursting with a vibrant fiesta of characters, from men and women and everyone in between, and where gnomes and shamans begin to take on a whole new meaning. At 113,625 words, the manuscript is available, in part or in full, upon request.

[Fyri]

Mmm! That final paragraph is much better!!

This is great! I think, though, you won't need to mention Haesh here at all. Yes, he is likely integral and constant, but I think, unless a large portion is told from his POV, his involvement won't need to be mentioned in the pitch. That could help make the pitch more concise and direct, too.

I have a feeling you also could take out "cold" to save word space here, on "fateful, cold, autumn night. Most autumn nights can be assumed as cold. ;)

Maybe also shy away from starting the next sentence with "but". It is more impactful to start with "The boys soon discover..."

While I'm apparently line editing (I never know where my brain will take me. XD), check for commas around "Kai" in the second paragraph intro! Consider ending that sentence after plush bunny!

Exp: "...plush bunny. He learns he must embark on an unusual..."

Later, "He soon discovers..."

Also, you maybe have too many distracting details about Alex here. I'd suggest just saying "...of the dangerous sailor, and that the Lord..."

Maybe lastly, you could say "only" instead of "final" since this is the first this reader will have heard of the monsters! I'd also maybe not end with ellipses. A stronger final ending punctuation will possibly be more memorable.

Mm! Going back to the final paragraph—does this indicate that your story features more than two genders? If not, you may want to reword it, as that is what it gets me excited and expectant for here. ^_^

[Conrado]

Fyri wrote: "Mmm! That final paragraph is much better!!

This is great! I think, though, you won't need to mention Haesh here at all. Yes, he is likely integral and constant, but I think, unless a large portio..."

Fucking hell, you touched on literally everything I was still on the fence about! You've been an incredible gem, Fyri, and I won't bother you anymore. Wishing you courage, patience and hope! All the best, Conrad

[Fyri]

Hey! Zero problems! I just finished editing my last draft and was dying for writerly/editing stuff to do. I'm glad to hear that I helped!! ^_^ Have fun with the agents! Don't let any rejections hurt too much or too long! <3