Query letter critique - do your worst

[Joyce Aernouts]

Dear XXX,

I contact you because I seek representation for my first novel, THE DARK WITCH, a young adult fantasy of 81.000 words. THE DARK WITCH is a tale about ancient magic in a faraway land, as well as a story that deals with nowadays issues like suppression, inequality, and fighting for what you believe in. This novel is intended as the first part of a trilogy.

When Calla finds a beautiful amulet in some old ruins deep in the forest, she has no idea her life is about to change forever.
Born in a Kingdom where witches are hunted to near extinction and magic is something only for trained sorcerers, Calla gets herself in some serious trouble after accidentally killing a soldier with magic she didn't know she had. On the run from the sorcerers and the King himself, she has to find a way to control her magic.
Desperate for answers, Calla sets out to find her grandmother on the other side of the Kingdom. Along the way, she runs into a stranger offering his help, but is he really there to help? There's only one thing Calla knows for certain: she can't trust anybody. To complicate things even further, a mysterious sickness spreads through the forest, threatening the very nature of magic. Now it's up to Calla and her newfound powers to save magic and fight for the survival of the witches.

I am a digital nomad. Being a digital nomad gives me the opportunity to work and travel around the world. For example, I am living and working in Bali for the next two months. After Bali, I'm heading to Lisbon for a while. You can follow my adventures on www.happinessandjoyce.com. What kind of work do I do? Right now, pretty much anything that pays the bills, but I try to focus on creative writing projects and translations (Dutch – English). When I'm not working, I like to discover whatever new town I am in by bike or the occasional roller skates and I enjoy hiking in nature. I'm not going to lie, I'm also a bit of a couch potato, so I can't deny that I binge new Netflix series as soon as they come out.

My completed manuscript is available at your request. Below, please find the first ten pages of my manuscript. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Thank you for your time and consideration,

Joyce Aernouts

[Fyri]

Okay, so your actual pitch is really nice. I'd actually suggest you start off with that alone!

The info/metadata paragraph is a bit wordy as is. I might suggest the following changes:

"I seek representation for my first novel, THE DARK WITCH, a YA fantasy of 81.000 words. THE DARK WITCH is a tale about ancient magic in a faraway land and deals with [current/modern] issues like suppression, inequality, and fighting for what you believe in. This novel is intended as the first part of a trilogy. [Err on the side of caution when mentioning series. Maybe say it “has high series potential,” or don’t mention the trilogy at all (yet). Agents mostly care about selling your first book first. They don’t want to get roped into a long term project that may not go well for them.]"

As for the bio paragraph, I think it might work in your favor to shorten it a little. You don't want to talk more about yourself than the book and how it can be sold! You want to just give them enough to 1) like you/relate to you 2) believe you are human, and 3) remember you.

Lastly, if you can, it will always help to provide comparison titles in your pitch! E.g., Is it "Indiana Jones meets Tales of Earthsea"? (bad example because these are not current, but you get the gist.) This basically tells the agent how they might be able to sell this book/how it fits in the market, and that you are in the know of current media yourself.

I hope that helps! Best of luck to you!!!

[Jessica]

Hi Joyce,

Fyri's advice is excellent in my opinion. I would add that while your blurb is easy to follow and engaging, I think you could cut some wordiness and chose more specific words to make it pop. I'll paste an example of what I mean below. Besides tightening up the blurb and cutting down the bio paragraph (and tying it more directly to reading and writing), I think your query might struggle to stand out in the crowded YA Fantasy market (I bet a lot of responses from agents will say exactly that). Is there something about your story that provides a unique hook or feels especially fresh? If so, I'd definitely include that! Saying the story explores prejudice and inequality is fairly generic, maybe you could get a little more specific to reel in interest.

Here's an example of how I'd revise the letter:

I'm contacting you to seek representation for THE DARK WITCH, a young adult fantasy novel of 81.000 words. THE DARK WITCH is a tale about ancient magic in a faraway land that explores timeless topics like prejudice, inequality, and fighting for what you believe in. The story has series potential.

When Calla finds a beautiful amulet buried in old ruins deep in the forest, her life changes forever. Born into a Kingdom where witches are hunted to near extinction and magic is reserved for trained sorcerers, Calla gets herself in serious trouble after accidentally killing a soldier with magic she didn't know she possessed. 

On the run from the sorcerers and the King, and desperate for answers as to how she might control her magic, Calla sets out to find her grandmother across the Kingdom, but learns along the way that on top of everything else, a mysterious sickness is spreading through the forest, threatening the very nature of magic. Now it's up to Calla and her newfound powers to save magic and fight for the survival of the witches.

I am a digital nomad who does a variety of jobs to pay the bills, including translations from Dutch to English. I'm lucky enough to travel around the world regularly, and I am living and working in Bali for the next two months, then heading to Lisbon after that. I like to document my adventures at  www.happinessandjoyce.com. When I'm not working I like to explore whatever new town I am in by bike or the occasional roller skates. I'm also a bit of a couch potato, and will binge a new Netflix series as easily as a good book. 

Alright, I hope some of this helps. Toss out whatever doesn't :) Good luck!

Jess

[Joyce Aernouts]

Jessica wrote: "Hi Joyce,

Fyri's advice is excellent in my opinion. I would add that while your blurb is easy to follow and engaging, I think you could cut some wordiness and chose more specific words to make it..."

Hi Jess,

thanks for the excellent advice!

[Joyce Aernouts]

Fyri wrote: "Okay, so your actual pitch is really nice. I'd actually suggest you start off with that alone!

The info/metadata paragraph is a bit wordy as is. I might suggest the following changes:

"I seek r..."

Hi Fyri,

Thank you for the kind words. I'll definitely take your feedback into consideration :)