Query Help - 1st Round

[Mike]

Dear ____,

Because ____, and we share an interest in _____, I thought y’all might be interested in representing my novel, The Fruits of Greed. It’s a standalone murder mystery complete at 91,000 words.

Guy St. Pierre is a N’awlins PI who endures perpetually evolving earworms, haunting childhood nightmares, and a quirky assistant. A widow hires him to locate the proceeds from the sale of her husband’s life insurance policy. Before long it becomes an investigation into her husband’s murder with mobsters trying to kill him or scare him off. Lucky guy. As if he doesn’t have enough on his plate, his relationship with a widowed mother (not his client) is heating up. Sizzling is the word. He winds up assuming custody of a young son he never knew he had, too. More murders and unspoken threats to his loved ones force him to chip the rust off homicide detective chops from his NOPD days. Commercials for companies seeking to buy life insurance policies are ubiquitous today. Sleazy businesses. They profit from death – double the policy value if the death is “accidental”. Guy’s investigation leads him to such a company in South Florida. Ultimately, he’s asked to team up with the FBI.

After earning a B.A. cum laude in classical guitar performance, I worked in the marine and trucking insurance industry for forty years. Several years into my career, I founded an independent claims adjuster firm and ran it until I retired. These experiences

[Scott]

Hi Mike,
There is some disagreement about addressing the agent. Some say start with a greeting, but from what I have read, many agents like to go straight into the blurb. I personally prefer that approach. Plus, they know why you are writing, so you can cut the, thought you might like to represent… bit. Regardless of how you arrange your letter, I think the writer’s voice belongs inside the blurb. The intro and exit should be all business. It’s up to you, but I wouldn’t use y’all.

In the closing, I don’t think guitar is relevant. Some people think you should let them know who you are, but as I sad, better to stick to business. Consider cutting ‘marine and trucking’ also. While your experience in insurance applies to your story, those industries do not.

While parts of the story sound interesting, the blurb seems to ramble. I feel as if it is a conversation and you’re simply explaining the plot off the cuff. The fact that you explain in parentheses that the second woman is different, is a red flag that this detail is confusing. The blurb is so short -esp to explain an entire novel, so every word needs to be carefully chosen.

Hope this helps. Good luck!

[Alex]

Mike wrote: "Dear ____,

Because ____, and we share an interest in _____, I thought y’all might be interested in representing my novel, The Fruits of Greed. It’s a standalone murder mystery complete at 91,000 w..."

Cut the first paragraph and the third. In the second paragraph, I would cut everything that comes between "scare him off" and "commercials." You need a transition to the info on the companies that buy insurance policies, but that's a good hook. A new scam. End it with the novel's name, genre, and word count.

[Gifford]

Hi, Mike,

What I'm missing most is motive for Guy. I can see he and his loved ones are being threatened, so why doesn't he just drop the case and go home to them? or turn it over to the NOPD/FBI?

As a reader, I'd want to know what pushes him forward when it seems there's little benefit in it for him. And what specifically he'd lose if he goes forward. The allusion to "threats" isn't enough for me, as I'd think most investigators encounter them with some regularity.

And voice is a good thing in queries, but I think it could be toned down just a little -- that would more emphasis on the plot instead.

Even without knowing the motive, I think the book sounds quite interesting. If you punch up the motive and the conflict, adding more specific information, I think it could work very well.