Help with Query

[K.R.]

(edit) UPDATE:
Isho of Nimvar’s run of bad luck ends when he finds Safia, his soulmate, in a forest. It’s the first time in ages he can speak freely about his strange encounters. You see, normally, gods and minor deities keep themselves well out of sight of mortal men, but Isho and Safia can’t seem to stop blundering into them.

In 620 B.C.E., the civilized world is at odds with the ancient. The ethereal spirits who protect mankind are being killed off in droves by ignorant men, and the gods who favor cultivation and destruction actively oppose the ones who love the wilds.

The spirits of the wilds have informed Isho that Aššur, the patron god of Assyria, has grown tired of living things and wishes to terminate them forever. Only a seer residing in Kur, the underworld, however, can say what needs to be done.

When Isho and Safia venture into Kur, realize they’ve inadvertently brought a sacrifice — their dog, Hano, who faces certain peril unless Safia stays to do her part from below ground. Isho must do his above, communicating with his beloved only in dreams.

In the mortal realm, Isho must rally his arrogant officer brother, a tribe of rowdy Scythians, paranoid Babylonians, and a manipulative king. He must evade a suspicious sister-in-law, arrange an ancient blind date, and take every measure possible to find hope. Will he and Safia have done enough by the time they converge again?

Isho and the Underworld is an epic historical fantasy complete at 126,000 words with a dark humor that finds comedy in the basest tendencies of mankind. It is standalone with series potential.

The novel is as readable and historical as Bernard Cornwell’s War Lord and other works. Its dark, supernatural conflict may remind readers of The Godless by James A Moore.

I am an environmental educator, carnivore rehabilitator, and contract writer. Two dramatic experiences in my life influenced the development of this novel: In February of 2021, I was involved in a publicized legal battle with my boss, an abusive wolf sanctuary owner. In January 2018, I suffered a devastating traumatic brain injury that left me unable to leave a dark room for many months. Many of Isho’s trials resemble those I experienced, only reappropriated into a fantastical and historical setting.

Thank you for your time and consideration.




Hi, I am still kind of figuring out how these are done. I'm seeing a lot of contradicting advice on Reddit. I've added the bio tentatively because, I hope, at least, I have had some uncommon experiences that might be intriguing to an agent.

Any feedback helps.

Thanks!

Gods and minor deities usually keep themselves well out of sight of mortal men, but Isho, a sensitive young warrior, can’t seem to stop blundering into them. It appears that Aššur, the patron god of Assyria, has grown tired of living things and wishes to terminate them forever. As worrying as this is, it’s hardly the kind of information one can go around telling people.

When Isho finds Safia, a soulmate with whom he can work on the problem of saving the mortal world, she altruistically traps herself in Kur, the underworld. How can they work together now?

In 620 B.C.E., the civilized world is at odds with the ancient. The ethereal spirits who protect mankind are being killed off in droves by ignorant men, and the gods who favor cultivation and destruction actively oppose the ones who love the wilds.

As Isho struggles to reunite with his beloved and halt the divine conflicts he scarcely understands, he learns that the fates are unconcerned with petty matters like human suffering, so long as their wills are done. It would all be far easier if he didn’t have to worry about a jealous brother, an unappreciative sister-in-law, and a handful of rowdy Scythian barbarians.

Isho and the Underworld is an epic historical fantasy complete at 126,000 words with a dark humor that finds comedy in the basest tendencies of mankind.

The novel is as readable and historical as Bernard Cornwell’s War Lord and other works. Its dark, supernatural conflict may remind readers of The Godless by James A Moore.

I am an environmental educator, carnivore rehabilitator, and contract writer. Two dramatic experiences in my life influenced the development of this novel: In February of 2021, I was involved in a publicized legal battle with my boss, an abusive wolf sanctuary owner. In January 2018, I suffered a devastating traumatic brain injury that left me unable to leave a dark room for many months. Many of Isho’s trials resemble those I experienced, only reappropriated into a fantastical and historical setting.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

[J.R.]

I think you checked pretty much all the boxes - you have genre, word count, and I think your biography is pretty solid. I especially like how you tied your biography to the story. Your query also shows that you can write well. I didn't see any major grammatical issues.

As to comps specifically, I've read conflicting advice as well; some agents don't seem to care about them at all. And the advice that you shouldn't compare your book to a best seller because it's supposedly immodest has always seemed suspect to me. As a historical fiction reader, if an author says their book resembles Cromwell, I instantly have an idea in my head of the type and style of the book.

On the blurb part of your query, I think it is well-written. However, it feels somewhat disconnected to me, like the paragraphs aren't flowing together right - it feels like the query is jumping around too much. For example, you start out with what seems like some backstory about the gods, then you jump to Isho and Safia who are presumably the MCs, then Safia seems to disappear almost altogether from the query. I also feel a disconnect between the gods ignoring human suffering and then talking about what seems like a bunch of minor inconveniences.

Some suggestions:

1. Try to come up with a hook to lead off - a short pithy paragraph or sentence that encapsulates the book. You could consider leading off with the paragraph, "When Isho finds Safia..." but I think I'd rewrite altogether and try to come up with something that encapsulates the book being a dark comedy.

2. I'd then probably want to start by establishing the era, ("In 620 BCE...") because you're writing historical fantasy, and the era is really important in historical novels. I would take the current first paragraph ("Gods and minor deities...") and roll it into that paragraph, to the extent it isn't repetitive.

3. I'd then introduce Isho and Safia and talk about the conflicts they face and what the stakes are.

Good luck with your query.

[K.R.]

J.R. wrote: "I think you checked pretty much all the boxes - you have genre, word count, and I think your biography is pretty solid. I especially like how you tied your biography to the story. Your query also s..."
Thanks!