1st line feedback

[Harlyn]

My sense of detecting good sentences is quite low lately. I'm looking for feedback on my 1st line: both of these are actually.

Here they are:
I'VE WATCHED HER WAKE FOR FIFTY-FIVE DAYS.

And.

MY MEMORIES OF FEBRUARY THE TWENTIETH HAVE BEEN ERASED.

Both are like grammatically correct but I can't tell if they grab the reader's attention or come off as...I don't even know.

Thank you for your time.

[Diana]

Perhaps:

Fifty-five days and still I watch her awaken....

February the 20th has been lost forever....

[Harlyn]

The first one does fit in the rest. Fifty-five days and I still watch her wake up. Though it's reads as redundant. The second doesn't fit. Since some part of that memory still remains and the character tells it in the next paragraph. Thank you for the feedback, Diana.

[Anna]

My memories of February the twentieth have mostly been erased.

I have watched her sleep, and wake for the past fifty-five days.

Are the all CAPS just for attention here, or part of the manuscript?

[Harlyn]

Thank you so much, Anna! It reads better. They're only in caps here.

[Celeste]

I don't know, there's something passive about "have been erased." Perhaps:
Something--or someone--erased my memories of February twentieth. (Actually, I don't like that either.)

I have watched her sleep and wake for fifty-five days.
Maybe you could include a couple words to hint at context. Is this science fiction? A medical mystery? Is she being held captive?

[Harlyn]

The first one's real tricky. I feel same as you when I read it. There's just something going on -that's not grammatical error- with the have been. The character is talking about the day his wife died and although the next sentence clears it up with: I ONLY RECALL THE SCREAMS.... I want the first sentence to be clear and good to go.

It's gothic horror. The POV actually fits with the "have watched her sleep and wake up" since it's the POV of the "monster."

I want to know if both are good for a first sentence.

[Anita]

I much prefer the first (I wouldn't add sleep and the comma thing). In combo with a horror cover, it's totally creepy. And opens with a bang. Short, direct and evokes an image, immediately. Awesome opening!

[Harlyn]

Thank you, Anita. I should've stated it's a horror from the beginning. Do you have any thoughts about the second: My memories of February the twentieth have been erased?

[Anna]

Harlyn wrote: "Thank you so much, Anna! It reads better. They're only in caps here."

Your Welcome