YA query

[Author56]

Hi! I'm looking for feedback on my YA blurb. Any feedback welcome!

Chigu is impure. She lacks some ethereal quality most other girls possess. While all teen girls live in a special village where elders teach them purity, Chigu isn’t allowed to learn the holistic art. She spends her days as a servant for the others, facing a dull future.

So she sneaks out and tries to purify herself, eventually enlisting her slightly-purer friend Tsala to instruct her. Together, they find self-confidence, hope, and everything they see as pure. But one night they’re caught, and an elder reveals a secret that condemns Chigu to hopelessness.

She backtracks into obedience, abandoning her friends and all hope of change. Yet conformity only hurts her more. After a near-death experience, Chigu decides to leave the lies of purity behind and find her own way with Tsala.

But her purity-based society holds no place Chigu could ever be free.

Thank you!

[Nicole-Mary]

I really like this blurb! This sounds super interesting!
I would make the last sentence a question, personally, like:

'Can Chigu ever find freedom in her purity-based society?'

As a reader, this would compel me to read on more than the statement.

I also thought maybe if you reword the start a little you could make more of an impact. So maybe something like:

'Most girls possess an ethereal quality. They live in a special village where they're taught purity.
Chigu is impure.
She spends her days as a servant for the others...'

If you did this, the start would maybe require more expositional information and more jiggling around, but I think changing the order could show the stakes of the story a little more.

Please remember that this is only my personal opinion and it's up to you whether these are suggestions you wish to use :)

[Scott]

Hi A56,
I assume there is a reason why Chigu is forced to serve and isn't allowed to partake in the training, but it is unclear what she gains by seeking this purity. Does she just want to fit in or is she trying to escape her role as a servant?

Chigu seems to be the underdog, but other than that, I find myself looking for a reason to root for her. What is it that makes her special? What is it about her situation that I might be able to empathize with?

It's an interesting premise. Best of luck with it!

[J.R.]

I think as-is it's a very solid query.

Scott suggested trying to build empathy for Chigu. In terms of doing that, what jumped out at me was Chigu seems like an outcast. And she's trying to find an identity. I think that is something readers - and especially YA readers - will be able to really identify with.

This is a really silly and very simplistic example but it's one most people will know. Think about the famous Christmas song, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. How many children identify with Rudolph being excluded just because he's different?

You already have the seeds of this in your query (such as Chigu being excluded from learning with elders) so it might be just something you want to play up a bit more to build empathy for her character.

Good luck with your query.

[Author56]

Thank you so much to everyone for the wonderful feedback! Here's my revision:

Most teen girls possess an ethereal quality called purity. They live in a special village where elders teach them the holistic art of purification.

Chigu is impure. Prohibited from learning purity, she labors as a servant for the others. One day she’ll be married off to the worst husband available. She tries to find simple pleasures in her dull life, but there are little available.

So she sneaks out and tries to purify herself, eventually enlisting her slightly-purer friend Tsala to instruct her. Together, they find self-confidence, hope, and everything they see as pure.

One night, they’re caught, and elder reveals a secret that condemns Chigu to hopelessness. She backtracks into obedience, abandoning her friends and all hope of change. Yet conformity only hurts her more.

After a near-death experience, Chigu decides to leave the lies of purity behind and find her own way with Tsala. But can she find freedom in a purity based-society?

[Dana]

I must say, the concept sounds intriguing and original. However, I'm struggling with something:

Teen girls possess purity. Elders teach them purification. Chigu is impure. She is prohibited from learning.

See the paradox? If Elders have to teach their students purification, then that should mean all their students were initially impure. If Chigu is impure, why would she be prohibited from learning the one thing that would "fix" her?

With that said, the first couple of sentences could be condensed and utilize fewer verbs to make the meaning clear. The concept of "Purity" I believe deserves its own sentence. You describe what it is but indirectly at the end of the first two sentences. Or you could do something like:

"Most teen girls possess purity, an essence that can be mastered through the holistic art of purification."

The blurb may also benefit from a brief mention to the setting or time period in the beginning.

Finally, I think the last two paragraphs could be strung together more concisely. Some sentences are too telling-without-showing ex: "conformity only hurts her more". Try cutting back on some of the feeling descriptions and see if you can illustrate the stakes in a way that outsiders can feel too.

Hope this helps and apologies that I'm longwinded.

[Nick]

Please don't take this personally, but I do wonder what the interesting part of the situation you describe is.

I am an atheist and purity, in the sense the word is being used here, seems akin to one of Plato's fundamental forms. Nothing wrong with that if you are writing a book of philosophical disquisitions, but as the stuff of a novel or story it seems to me to be a big ask to make it appealing.

I've been writing a fantasy story which, now I am on the point of publishing, I do wonder if anyone will want to read. I suppose other authors have similar worries.

Good luck if you do decide to push ahead with your story - purity is going to be a tough sell though imo.