YA Fantasy Action/Adventure Query

[J.A.]

I've been making the rounds when sending queries out to agents, and I'm second guessing myself if I created a good one after a few drafts. Any feedack would be very much appreciated. I omitted a biography for lack of any prior writing experience.



Title: Storybook is a YA fantasy novel, with a cross-appeal to an older audience, standing complete at 98,500 words. Amalgamating the horrors and wonders of fairytales and fables, the story is no stranger to darker themes, tackling personal terrors and the grim, honest realities of a new world.

Sturdy swords and energy beam cannons, in the time-confused, magicless kingdom of Taltum, the dead tourist town of Stalohs houses its cursed child. Accused of the inferno befalling her hometown, Ally Remva remained secluded in her home for nine years until her 14th birthday, when the infamous headmaster of The Heroes Guild, Dianthos, offered her the chance to restart her dream and become a hero. Warned by The First Hero, Zeller, that the seal imprisoning an ancient evil is waning, they blessed a new generation of heroes with the mystical gift of zev, the source of Ally’s cursed powers. Now confirmed vile creature by King Gutrik’s regime, evading capture by knights and the man responsible for her unending torment, are high on her list. Though laudable the hero’s goals are, the rise of zev brought along other problems.

Once all somewhat similar in shape and size, the citizens descended from the neighboring mist fallen nations, transformed. Weltans grew claws and fur, Malcorians gained the power of zev without requiring a hero’s tool, a quill. Underneath, still human, but not by everyone. And, in addition to the looming threat of civil war, new dangers plague Taltum. Monsters, those found in old stories and imagined by divine, mad minds, it is the hero’s job to protect against this seepage of evil, even for what little pay and respect they earn. Ally will join the fight, battling not only threats to her home but her deteriorating mind, conquering or submitting to her anxieties, discovering the hidden meanings behind the tales in her unfinished storybook.

[Nick]

Hi J.A.
I think a lot of blurb attempts have a common problem. It could be called "trying to write a short summary of my book" syndrome.

I am completely new to this and am struggling with my own blurb, so I'm by no means an expert.

That said, how about a change of mindset before you go for a new version - may be think visually and try to write a 50 second commercial to sell your book ?
Or set out your blurb as a series of bullet points, as if you were doing an opening for a PowerPoint presentation, and they were the headlines.

Getting the reader's attention and then convincing them to buy into your book in 150 words is a vastly different skill to writing a story.

All the best - Nick

[Author56]

My first reaction is that this blurb has way too many new words. Each sentence seems to introduce a new character or phenomenon. This is not what you want. It gave me the experience of having to re-read each paragraph whenever a new thing came up, to see if it had been mentioned before.
A good rule of thumb is to only introduce 5 new words/names. Everything else should be explained in layperson terms. For example, your first sentence could be "Ally Remva had been endlessly blamed for letting her tourist town fall into ruin." The name of the town, the kingdom, or the weapons don't come up again, so they feel like irrelevant information. Trimming it down lets the reader focus on the story.
Additionally, a lot of your sentences are run-ons. Not only does it also drag the blurb down, it doesn't promise the agent a well-written story. Short, quick sentences should get the point across. There's also very long paragraphs, when you want space. People's brains take in the information better with more paragraphs, and you want to take advantage of that.

Hope this helps!
-Author56

[Dana]

Hello J.A.,

Just like the back cover of a book, in the query letter, you want to describe just enough to make the reader (in this case the literary agent) understand the plot, and yet still harbor curiosity and excitement for what happens next.

The way your novel is described crams too many characters, plot elements and events that I don't know what to focus on for the conflict (zev? an ancient evil? civil war? Monsters?). If I can't get a clear grasp of the conflict or the problem the character faces, it's hard to generate excitement for it.

I would try summarizing the first paragraph using fewer proper nouns and cutting secondary details and plotlines. Also, toss in some shorter sentences. Many sentences in the blurb, including the first one in second-paragraph, go into run-on territory.

[J.A.]

Okay! I have rewritten my query with the advice given.


Title: Storybook is a YA fantasy novel, with a cross-appeal to an older audience, standing complete at 98,500 words. Amalgamating the horrors and wonders of fables, the story tackles dark themes, personal terrors, and the honest realities of a new world.

Sturdy sword and energy beam cannons litter the magicless kingdom of Taltum. Accused of the disaster befalling her hometown, Ally Remva secluded herself in her home for nine years. On the day of her 14th birthday, the headmaster of the infamous Heroes Guild offers her the chance to restart her dream and become a hero.

Ally will join the fight against the seepage of an ancient evil sealed away by The First Hero. Though laudable, the hero’s goals are, the cursed powers they wield mark them as abominations under the kingdom’s regime. But struggling through her new life is only the first of Ally’s battles. The truth dreams hidden in the tales of her unfinished storybook.

[Nick]

J.A. wrote: "Okay! I have rewritten my query with the advice given.

First up, I reckon you improved your blurb a lot this time round.

I had a quick crack at a rewrite (139 words) :-

Sturdy sword and energy beam cannons litter the magic bereft kingdom of Taltum. Ally Remva, unjustly accused of bringing on the disaster befalling her home town, was shunned and isolated for nine whole years.

When Ally turns 14, the headmaster of the notorious Heroes Guild offers her the chance to rekindle her dream and help create a new generation of heroes. As an untried hero, Ally strives for good, but the powers she wields are accursed under the laws of the kingdom.

Ally has begun a new life, the first of many battles is before her. Will the storybook of her future be written in dreams of truth, or nightmares of lies?

Storybook binds together the horrors and wonders of fairytales and fables, with dark themes, personal terrors and the grim but honest realities of a newly imagined world.

[J.A.]

I do like your rewrite, but I prefer to avoid passive voice sentences and -ly words if possible.

[G Allen]

J.A. Alvara,

I am not an industry professional, but I am an experienced teacher, author, and researcher. On this, I ask one question:

Is this your first published work (through an agent/publisher)?

If not, stop reading. If yes, read on.

98,500 is too many words for a first YA novel, by about 20k words.

Having investigated extensively into submission of a 1st YA novel, not one single agent, professional editor, or representative of any publisher said a 1st YA over 75-80k words would even be considered. It doesn't matter how good the blurb is.

The reason is bigger books cost more money. An investment in a first time YA novel needs to fit the industry standards of 60/65k min to 75/80k max. They have to put a product out there the YA audience will buy from an unfamiliar author. Too short and they'll probably pass. Too long and they will move on to the next selection.

I'll bet your book is good.

The industry will find it far too long and will pass.

It is damned near impossible to cut 20k words from our babies. I had to cut 30k from my first novel. I had to find an editor with a big red pen to strike out who pages, even three chapters. It's hard work, soul churning even.

If you self publish, you will run into the same marketing issues. YA (and most genres) readers want to test out new authors. They won't want to invest in a book that is so long just based on the blurb.

My .02¢ worth. I would offer editing services, but I won't because I may have already angered you. I'm sorry.

[Nick]

J.A. wrote: "I do like your rewrite, but I prefer to avoid passive voice sentences and -ly words if possible."

Have at it J.A. - use as much or a s little of my version as you want to - rewrite your blurb with no passive voice - it is yours so you get to decide :-)

Nick

PS I am struggling with a too long first book and decided to split mine in two (and a bit)