Beta Reader Group discussion
Covers, Blurbs, 1st Line, Query
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Query letter help
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I'd recommend starting with the 'hook,' and then putting the information at the end. That grabs the agent's attention better. I'd also cut down on those informational paragraphs, since they drag on a bit, and that reflects badly on your story. For example, the blurb should indicate the setting, so you don't need to declare it. Instead of "readers have said it is similar to," say "like" or "comping."The blurb itself also feels a bit wordy. Some parts like "the one thing she thought she'd never have to do," take up a lot of space but don't actually tell us that much. Cutting everything down until it's very crisp, then adding more detail, makes the blurb a lot more enticing.
Author56 wrote: "I'd recommend starting with the 'hook,' and then putting the information at the end. That grabs the agent's attention better. I'd also cut down on those informational paragraphs, since they drag on..."Thank you so much for the feedback. These are really good points that I'll be putting into practice. :)
Robert wrote: "I don't see any glaring rookie mistakes. LOVE THE TITLE! You explained the two characters, but what are they facing together? Is it just survival or is there someone in the way? And again, do they ..."It's a massive relief to hear that and thank you so much for your feedback. I really appreciate it.
I just realised I never posted the revised version, so here it is!How much do you really know about the world you live in?
When Lacey's mum dies in a nuclear explosion, she has to fend for herself–something she never thought she’d have to do. She wants nothing more than to get away from it all--but somehow, the memories of her mother follow her every move.
Trapped in a home where he was forced to protect his younger sister from the cruelties of their parents, Dallas has experience in running away. But when his sister is killed, no distance is far enough for him to escape the memory.
When their paths meet, through strangely convenient circumstances, they realise that their separate lives are more intertwined than they ever could have thought.
With them both searching for family, safety, and a part of the country where radiation poisoning doesn’t run rampant, the only logical path is for them to work together.
Even if getting along is harder than surviving what they think is the end of the world.
My name is Nicole-Mary, and I am seeking representation for THE RUINS OF YESTERDAY, a young adult sci-fi novel, completed at 59,000 words, featuring a strong, female lead.
The underlying plot of this novel is similar to that of The Truman Show, whilst the main plot has moments reminiscent of Black Mirror and The Other Life, by Suzanne Winnacker.
Thank you very much for your time and consideration,
Hi!I think this is much better. However, the descriptions themselves feel a bit wordy and unclear to me. Most teenagers don't expect to fend for themself randomly; what particularly about Lacey makes her fear that? Both paragraphs mention them running to escape bad memories, but they don't really describe how they're escaping, which seems like a key element of the plot. Each only has two sentences; you have room to add there.
Kind of connected to that, the rest of the "blurb" part feels very abstract and long. It doesn't give enough substance to get the reader excited about either of the characters, then moves on very quickly. That should be the last few sentences, not half the blurb. Is there a way to simplify or combine them?
Hope that helps!
-Author56
Those are the only questions I would have and only the smallest suggestion.
best of luck!