Neo noir blurb for Query

[Quan]

Hey all. Working on the Query letter for my newly completed urban fantasy neo noir "Needle of the Southside." Could you guys look it over and let me know what I could do to make it irresistible? And does the blurb make you interested in reading it?

"Marty is an upperclass jerk from the north side of Chicago, who prides himself on being a self-made success story, without any help. While searching for a lost flash drive vital to his job, he runs into Ana, a Latina tomb raider who recovers magic artifacts and sells them to the highest bidder. She tells Marty that his deceased father hid a particularly powerful magic artifact he discovered somewhere in the south side of Chicago for the two of them to find. Now, with hired goons hot on his tail, Marty must must decipher cryptic clues leading to its whereabouts, while dealing with everything from a Russian gun runner to two different biker gangs to a shadowy religious secret society to his own mother, along with a myriad of supernatural booby traps that defy human logic. Along the way, Marty realizes that the self-made success story he was so proud of was a lie. His late father brokered secret deals with powerful people to orchestrate every aspect of Marty’s climb to the top. Now, to prove to himself that he never needed his father's help, he must find the artifact...or die trying."

Any constructive feedback is appreciated. Thanks in advance.

[Bethany]

The description of Ana as a latina tomb raider bothers me. Ana is never mentioned again. So having one of the two things we know about her being her heritage seems like exploitation.

If Ana's cultural heritage is a key thing you want to indicate do it in another way like through her last name.

Also include paragraph breaks.

[Jessica]

Hi Quan,

It sounds like you have an interesting story, but I think the blurb could be altered for clarity. Here’s how I would re-work the blurb:

Marty is an upperclass jerk from the north side of Chicago who prides himself on his self-made success story. While searching for a flash drive vital to his job, he runs into Ana, a raider who recovers magic artifacts and sells them to the highest bidder. She tells Marty that his deceased father hid a powerful magic artifact somewhere in the south side of Chicago for the two of them to find [I think you need something quick and sharp about why his Father would have hidden something specifically for the two of them to find, or just cut the sentence at Chicago.]

Now, with hired goons hot on his tail, Marty must decipher clues leading to the artifact’s whereabouts while battling a Russian gun runner, biker gangs, a shadowy secret society, and even his own mother. As Marty tangles with a myriad of supernatural booby traps that defy human logic [here I’d add something about Ana again, since it feels like it's time to mention her again, maybe “and grows closer to Ana” or “and questions Ana’s intentions,” whatever the most important quick gist of their relationship arch is] he slowly realizes that the self-made success story he was so proud of was a lie. His late father orchestrated every aspect of Marty’s climb to the top. Now, he must find the artifact [I think you need some driving force besides proving himself. You could just move the die trying part here as “or die trying,” but I think a specific reason why it matters would be stronger, such as “before it falls into evil hands,” or whatever would fit with your story] and prove himself once for all.

I think the biggest issue with the blurb is there is too much detail description taking up space, and not enough info about why those things matter and how everything ties together. For example, in my re-work example I took out “tomb” and left “raider,” took out “particularly” and left “powerful,” and took out “religious,” and left secret society. All of these are examples where the detail doesn’t add enough to be worth the space, IMO. In the “earning its space” spirit, I took out some unnecessary words and reworded a few things to be shorter and sharper too. I agree with Bethany that I would take out Latina, but if that is an important and/ or ownvoices aspect of the story, I would include it elsewhere in a query letter or advertisement. I think your ending cliff-hanger was too generic, so I would rework that. But overall the blurb seems like it has the potential to work really well. I like the way you introduce the character (“Marty is an upperclass jerk from the north side” hooked me) and I think in addition to improving pacing, splitting the paragraph where I did works because “Now, with hired goons hot on his tail” is also a really good sentence.

So I’d consider cutting some words, simplifying details, making the last sentence less generic, splitting the paragraph, adding another bit about Ana, and focusing on connective tissue. But I think it’s almost there, just needs some massaging.

Hope this helps,
Jess

[Quan]

Thanks a ton, guys! this will help me develop this quite a bit.