Query Letter Feedback

[Ashley]

I think it's really good (especially the beginning), but in my opinion it's way too long. I haven't read your story so I don't know what can stay and what can go, but I'd try to simplify the blurb to one paragraph. I would also move your comp titles and the series potential to the end of the letter.

[Brandon]

It's good overall. The length is good. You may want to add something at the end about platform, writing/marketing experience, etc.

A few comments:

The first paragraph is good.

"To get it, she joins an all-seeing cult that trains her in the arcane art of vanishing in shadows."

Maybe rephrase "vanishing in shadows" somehow. It is awkward here. I know you are trying to be brief, but you can use an extra sentence to explain the protagonists acquired abilities.

"So Dagny plots to weaponize the dueling assassins as a loophole to kill Hrogeer without incriminating herself."

Remove "as a loophole."

"The former princess"

Consider rephrasing this intro to the paragraph. the rest of the paragraph is good.

" … or kill Hrogeer herself and face the insidious cult alone with no shadows to hide in—and her own to fear."

Insidious is not the right word here. Perhaps "odious," "malignant" or "nefarious" would be better choices. The rest of this last paragraph is good

-B

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[GoneReadingGirl]

Very good, but I do agree with the others that it is a bit long and adding your bio is critical. I also didn't have a good sense of place. A phrase or sentence would help.

[Scott]

TWO TO FOUR SENTENCES?

Absolutely not true. Where did you get that information? The description is the main point of a query.

And sure, you want the agent to know you have done your research and that you know something about them, but you don't need to tell them WHY you are writing. They know why. So, there is no need to ask if they want you to send the MS. If they want it, they will ask for it.

And yes, you need to convince them you are a writer to be taken seriously and that they may want to have you as a client. How do you do that? BY TELLING THEM ABOUT YOUR BOOK!

[Dana]

Overall, this is well-written. The metaphor you use to describe the plot and style of the book by mixing up two franchises in a bar is genius and covers a lot of ground. I do think your book's. description however can be one paragraph shorter.

As others had mentioned, you should include a bio and maybe a little more info about what/who/how your book will be marketed outside of the story itself.