Beta Reader Group discussion
Covers, Blurbs, 1st Line, Query
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Agent Query and Synopsis
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Hi Robert... Reviewing your query you're telling me what you're doing but not telling me anything about the book or who the book is about or what the characters are doing. You should talk about Tzeria and the issues she comes across in the query.Good luck!
Hi Robert,Your blurb isn't really a blurb. As Nat says, it tells me about your idea, not your story. And your synopsis reads like a really long blurb rather than a synopsis.
The blurb should tell us about the MC, what she wants, what is stopping her from getting it, and what happens if she doesn't get it. In contrast, the synopsis is not a teaser or a highlights reel. It lists everything that happens and should be one to two pages. This one seems to have many details missing. On a side note, I'm assuming you are not going to include the synopsis -unless it is requested. Query first, synopsis later. (though some agents may want it included -be sure to read submission details carefully)
It sounds like an interesting story, but the following comments are based only on what I see here. Usually not a good idea to ask a question like, "Would an elvish class...?" If an agent thinks, nope-he's done reading. "I believe your interests..." It's good to research an agent and find out what their interests are, but if you do, be sure to say what they are so they know you did your homework. The way this is worded makes it sound like you are presuming all agents have the same interests. I would cut the last line from the story. Including it comes across as somewhat pompous (as in, look what I wrote, isn't it awesome). They are going to evaluate your writing skills by reading the query. For example, you describe the ancient city as a mix of cities we already know. World-building is important in this genre, but relying on cliche imagery seems lazy. The flip side of that is you've wasted too many words in this sentence. You can use a whole chapter to world build in your book, but only a few words in the query. Instead of giving us an image, try to use open-ended words and let your reader imagine it.
I think historical dark fantasy is an established sub-genre, but you may want to stick to simply dark fantasy. I'm not an expert, so I'll leave that up to you. I feel that keeping the genre as wide as possible will open more connections. Just my opinion. But I would definitely cut the dash of mystery. It starts to sound like you're either trying to please too many people or just don't understand your genre. Besides, they're going to decide what shelf it goes on later. On a similar note, if you want to get away with a 150K word count, fantasy is the place to do it. I think it is within an acceptable limit, but if you've never published consider getting it down a bit. It will increase your odds and only make the story tighter.
I hope you find some of this helpful. Best of luck with it.
Elves – ever since Tolkien, elves have become a well-worn meme. Anyone who has ever read any fantasy knows all about them. So what could be new about elves? Consider – would an elvish society be content to live in a forest, picking mushrooms and practicing archery? Or is it more likely they would become a ruling class?
How a human-elvish society might evolve is one of the premises of my story. I believe your interests would be a good fit for my manuscript, WINGS. The genre is historical dark fantasy with a dash of mystery, set in an alternate reality with minimal magical elements. Length is 150k words, which could be split into two volumes if appropriate.
Pitch Line –
Secrets – rulers have them, families have them – we all have secrets. Some secrets are best kept secret.
Synopsis -
On a planet similar to Earth, TZERIA AETOS is a member of the aristocracy, the AXIOM, a long-lived race who have forgotten their mysterious, slightly more than human origin. Tzeria Aetos lives in an ancient city filled with monumental sculpture and architecture – a combination of Rome, Athens, and Constantinople. Her world is familiar in some ways, alien in others, with a technological level equivalent to the late middle-ages.
The only living child of a famous general, Tzeria was raised by her father to be a substitute for her dead brother. Her father trains her to be a soldier and officer, though Tzeria has little interest in this. She expects to be a wife and mother, like her own mother who died in childbirth. Tzeria narrowly escapes assassination while attending university, her first hint that her future wealth has attracted hidden enemies.
BARATEES, the Axiom emperor, also covets that wealth. He banishes her father, confiscates their estates, and holds Tzeria hostage in the capitol city, Polis. After Baratees murders her father and her beloved servant, Tzeria vows revenge, no matter the cost.
Tzeria learns how to swim in the currents of the power, dealing with shifting factions and their spies. She gains Baratees's trust and becomes a key member of the imperial bureaucracy. After eliminating a blackmailer, she conspires with external enemies to murder Baratees. Following the emperor's assassination, the plot unravels. A hostile army launches a surprise attack on Polis, and Tzeria discovers she was a naïve pawn in a much deeper and deadlier game.
After the enemy breaches the city walls, Tzeria rallies her people and repels the invaders. Following this victory, PARTHENOPAY, the chief priestess of the city's principal goddess, crowns Tzeria as empress. Tzeria appoints Parthenopay as her principal adviser, not realizing Parthenopay has her own ambitions. After years of war, Tzeria defeats her external enemies while her internal enemies continue to plot against her. She narrowly survives an assassination that kills most of her inner circle. She defeats the apparent leader, then realizes that one hidden enemy is still at large. The clues to the mystery lie in Tzeria's complicated family history, and the last secret turns out to be the ugliest one of all when Tzeria discovers that Parthenopay is her deadliest enemy.
Tzeria defeats Parthenopay in a final confrontation, but her victory turns to ash when Tzeria discovers that Parthenopay was her actual mother. By the end of her character arc, Tzeria understands the corrupting influence of absolute power.
The last line: "Whenever I visit the inner sanctuary of the temple, I fall on my knees and beg forgiveness for all the blood I have spilled, and all I will spill in the years to come. And I pray I never become like Baratees, or my mother. Sometimes I fear I already have."
I believe my story is comparable in genre to the works of David Gemmel, Brian McClellan, and K.J. Parker.