Beta Reader Group discussion
Covers, Blurbs, 1st Line, Query
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YA query (looking for any feedback)
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This query does a really good job of setting up the conflict and piquing my interest. The part about Hamilton is funny and makes the reader think that they'd like the book. The first sentence is a bit awkward, it should be "married" and "avoided", but other than that I love the first two paragraphs.The third one seems to come out of the blue after those two. What's set up to be a time-travel story becomes a high school drama. While those elements will be important to the story, it takes away a lot of the excitement the first two paragraphs worked so hard to build up. To keep their effect, you might want to consolidate the start to emphasize the end. The character's names never come up again, do you really want to include them.
Overall really good job, though, and I hope these comments help.
Hi Betty, I agree with Author56's comments. I love most of the first two paragraphs, but am not sure about the way the third is presented. I would cut the last sentence of the second paragraph and change the third to something like:
"Ginny thought the biggest worries of her senior year would be rehearsing for the school show, navigating her rapidly developing crush on the new girl, and studying for her A levels. But now history is on the line, and she's running out of time. Can she salvage her high school and time itself, or is everything about to crumble?"
I'm not sure if it's her senior year or if that's the right term (sounds like this isn't set in the country I'm from). I'm also not sure if by relationship with the new girl you meant a romantic relationship. If not, I'd just cut that part.
Lastly, I'd consider making the last sentence in the fourth paragraph more specific, as lots of novels could be described as "contemporary novels with a twist." Making it more specific would demonstrate to agents that you make the most of your word choices, and understand the market.
Overall great pitch though! I was drawn in and the first two paragraphs are clever and have a great rhythm.
Hope some of this helps, good luck querying!
Jess
thank you both for these thoughts!!! i always felt a bit off about the third paragraph so this has really helped
Hi Betty. Unlike previous commentators, I wasn’t brought out by the third paragraph at all. As you mention the school in the second one, I was not surprised when school problems came up. Nevertheless, I think it is a great idea from Jess to point out that these problems turned out to be not that important as the time-travelling problem.In the last paragraph, I’m missing the genre and the word count. You might want to include that so that agents get an impression that you know your genre and your audience.
Your query made me want to read the story, it’s definitely going its job! Good luck!
To make matters worse, things are starting to go wrong with time. The suffragettes keep on protesting throughout the First World War, Anne Boleyn keeps her head and Florence Nightingale dies in 1855, half a century before she’s supposed to. Suddenly Ginny’s hobby has the highest of stakes, history is on the line, and she’s running out of time.
Alongside, rehearsing for the school show with her best friends wannabe popular girl Natalie, theatre nerd Gus and his inquisitive cousin Fliss; navigating a relationship with new girl Rori Davenport, and studying for her A Levels, Ginny has to figure out a way to save the school and to save time before they both come crumbling down.
ONE LAST TIME is a fun filled and quick paced novel that speaks to everyone who struggled to say goodbye to high school, even if it wasn’t all plain sailing. Filled with time travel trips, theatre and friendship it will particularly appeal to readers of contemporary novels with a twist.