Beta Reader Group discussion
Covers, Blurbs, 1st Line, Query
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YA query (newest)
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Hello,At first glance, the pronoun usage throughout was getting hard to follow. The last line of your first paragraph in particular took me a couple reads to decipher. I think part of the problem was that you suddenly head-jumped to Leona in a paragraph describing Detori. I suggest rewriting that last line just to encapsulate why Detori wants to join the priesthood. Leave the part about Leona not understanding in Leona's paragraph, or cut it out entirely (you already establish how Leona feels about it later).
I would suggest you make it clear that Leona's best friend is Detori in the second paragraph. The pronoun use is getting hard to follow again. It also wasn't clear that Leona is joining the priesthood in this paragraph, so the next paragraph is confusing at first. I suggest changing "so she follows her" to "so Leona joins the priesthood, as well."
As for the third paragraph, the second sentence is awkwardly phrased. I was confused by the contradiction "hiding and self-confidence", as well. I would also change "war" to something like "extremists" or "spiteful priests", as you haven't set up the war, only the conflict coming from the priests.
Sounds like an interesting concept!
Thanks so much for the feedback, it was really helpful! I've made some edits:Detori isn't used to hiding. Though she's endured barbed comments her entire life about being a refugee, she can always tell her best friend Leona. But when she discovers she's aro and decides to become a priest to avoid marriage, she doesn't feel safe telling her friend why. Still, she takes on even more hiding with the decision to conceal her identity as a refugee at the monastery.
Leona isn't used to standing up for herself. In her clamorous family, keeping impartial is the only way to maintain peace. But she can't stand the thought of her best friend leaving her behind. So she follows Detori to priesthood.
They travel to the monastery together and begin priest training. But neither of them are used to the polarization around the invasion of Detori's country there. As they get used to hiding and self-confidence, Detori and Leona discover the true horrors of the war, among them a re-education camp meant to hold all of Detori's people.
A few nationalist priests discover Detori's identity, and plot to imprison her in the camp. If she and Leona aren't careful, the war could ruin their chances at priesthood, or even the very threads of their friendship.
I read only this version of the query, and I found it easy to follow. We get a good sense of the characters and problems they are facing. I got slightly confused is the middle of the first paragraph, at “she doesn’t feel safe telling her friend why”. This early in the query all information I had was that Detori seemed to be able to tell Leona everything, so it was not clear for me, why she didn’t feel free to tell something that important. I stumbled at “as they get used to hiding and self-confidence” phrase.
I think the rest is great! Good luck with querying.
Thank you so much! I'll definitely work on those parts.
Does this work better?Detori isn't used to hiding. As a Kurondu refugee in the country invading her own, she faces frequent bullying and relies on her friend Leona for support. However, when she discovers she's aromantic and decides to become a priest to avoid marriage, she doesn't feel safe coming out to Leona. Still, she takes on even more hiding by deciding to conceal her nationality at the monastery.
Leona isn't used to standing up for herself. In her clamorous family, keeping impartial is the only way to maintain peace. But she can't stand the thought of her best friend leaving her behind. So she follows Detori to priesthood.
They travel to the monastery together and begin priest training. But neither is used to the polarization around the Kurondu invasion. As they learn prayers and holy dances, Detori and Leona discover the true horrors of the war, among them a reeducation camp meant to hold all of Detori's people.
A few nationalist priests discover Detori's identity, and plot to imprison her in the camp. If Detori and Leona aren't careful, the war could ruin their chances at priesthood, or even the very threads of their friendship.
I think that this version is so much better! It’s straightforward, the language is clear, the motivations and conflicts are clear, the stakes are high. I am moved to read the story even if it is not something I usually read. I have listed below a couple of questions which rise in my mind as I read. I’m not sure if anything of that is important for the query, but I think you might get an idea if I don’t see something what’s important for a reader to see.- Is becoming a priest the only way to avoid marriage? Why not refuse marriage? Is it not going in this particular country/religion/society? Is Detori being forced into a marriage by society/her parents/etc.?
- “she doesn't feel safe coming out to Leona” works for me much better than the version before. Although I still don’t see why she doesn’t feel safe. Why one doesn’t feel safe coming out to the closest friend? Especially to a friend that close, that she is ready to run away to a monastery together. Is Detori afraid of judgement? Afraid to ruin the friendship? How does she explain Leona the decision to run away then if her being aro is the main motivation? Is any of that important for the query? Cause from the info I have I don’t see how feeling not safe to come out is important to the story.
I hope this makes sense and helps. And I said, I think that the query does its job already – it makes me want to read the pages.
Detori is not used to hiding. Though she's endured barbed comments her entire life about being a refugee, she can always tell her friend Leona. But Leona doesn't know she's aro. And she doesn't understand why Detori wants to become a priest to avoid marriage and hide her refugee status.
Leona is not used to standing up for herself. In her clamourous family, keeping impartial is the only way to maintain peace. But she can't stand the thought of her best friend leaving her behind for priesthood. So she follows her.
They travel to the monastery together and begin priest training. But neither of them are used to the polarization around the invasion of Detori's country there. As they get used to hiding and self-confidence, spiteful priests join a national plan to purge the monastery of Detori's people for once and for all. If they aren't careful, the war could ruin their chances at priesthood, or even the very threads of their friendship.