YA fantasy query

[Author56]

Hi!
This is my newest draft of my query. Any feedback is welcome. Thanks!

Detori had always felt like an outcast. It didn’t seem like a day could go by without someone bullying her for being a refugee. So when she figures out she’s aromantic, she gives up on following the conventional lifestyle and decides to take the only option besides marriage; becoming a priest. Not only would she be free from being stuck with a man, but priests trained at monasteries, a place where she could hide her nationality.

Her friend Leona, sick of her clamorous family and scared of losing a friend, joins her.

The two girls trek to a monastery on the top of Mt. Parbata. As they study prayer and holy dances, Detori and Leona face unkind mentors and prejudiced priests. Detori keeps her nationality secret to prevent discrimination, revealing it only to a girl who turns out to be from the same country as her.

But some priests at the monastery are part of a plot to imprison all of Detori's people. They overhear Detori talking with her new friend, and they plant a trap. Suddenly one wrong move could ruin her life. When she makes that move, she's carried off to a far-away prison.

As Leona searches for her friend, Detori does everything she can to escape. But if they are ever going to find each other again, it's going to be a long ride.

[Author56]

Is the word count off?

[Steph]

Hello!

To reply to your question, I ran your query through a word count calculator and it came out at 227 words. The sweet spot for most query letters (including housekeeping) is about 250 words, but I've read you can go up to 300 words if the query absolutely needs it.

Your story sounds interesting! You've got the basic query outline that I've read that many agents prefer: When ____ happens to (character), they must do _____ or else _____.

I do think there are some parts where you can share more details (such as the new friend from the same country's name) and condense your words to tighten the tension. For example, do we need to know the two girls trekked to the top of Mt. Parbata? Or can you cut that out and just mention something along the lines of 'Yet while at Mt. Parbata, the two girls are faced with similar prejudices that Detori ran away to begin with, etc..."

I think you could also cut back on some of the information you give. You say "Suddenly one wrong move could ruin her life" which I love, since it raises the stakes, but then that is immediately followed up with "When she makes that move, she's carried away to a faraway prison". Personally for me, this cuts down the tension you had built up. I'd suggest playing around with this ending and the word structure to really drive home the stakes and how Leona, Detori, and new friend are walking around on eggshells in a discriminatory location.

Hope this helps. Let me know if you have any questions or comments, and best of luck on your querying!

[Author56]

Thanks so much for your help! I did a few revisions based on your comments:

Email Subject Line: On the top of Mt. Parbata, 80K imaginative YA fantasy.

Dear Agent Name,

Detori had always felt like an outcast. It didn’t seem like a day could go by without someone bullying her for being a refugee. So when she figures out she’s aromantic, she gives up on following the conventional lifestyle and decides to take the only option besides marriage; becoming a priest. Not only would she be free from being stuck with a man, but priests trained at monasteries, a place where she could hide her nationality.

Her friend Leona, sick of her clamorous family and scared of losing a friend, joins her.

At the monastery on top of Mt. Parbata, the girls study prayer and holy dances, but also face unkind mentors and prejudiced priests. Detori keeps her nationality secret to prevent discrimination, revealing it only to a girl who turns out to be from the same country as her.

But some priests at the monastery are part of a plot to imprison all of Detori's people. They overhear Detori talking with her new friend and plant a trap. Suddenly one wrong move could ruin her life.

For three months, she is cautious enough to stay out of their grasp. So they take action and carry her off to a far-away prison.

As Leona searches for her friend, Detori does everything she can to escape. But if they are ever going to find each other again, it's going to be a long ride.

[Jodi]

I am reading Techniques of the Selling Writer, and it influences my advice. I'd like to see a stronger slant on her goals, the obstacles, and something that puts her success in danger.

So maybe instead of feeling like she is trying to run away from something, maybe she is running to something. A place to be herself without judgement. What stands in the way of this goal? It sounds like beneath surface is a group that wants to imprison her people. So now she has to not only solve something big, but she has to stand out. Where else can you show her activeness in her own story?

I hope that helps.

[Author56]

Thanks so much for your feedback! Do you think this is better?

Detori just wants to belong. As a refugee living in the country of her invaders, she's bullied daily. So when she figures out she’s aromantic, she pursues the only lifestyle she feels she can belong in; becoming a priest. Not only would that free her from having to marry marriage, but priests train at monasteries, a place where she could hide her nationality.

Her friend Leona has been waiting her entire life to marry. Not to be with a sweetheart, but to escape her clamorous family. So when she sees Detori's faster way out, she joins her.

At the monastery on top of Mt. Parbata, the girls study prayer and holy dances, but also face unkind mentors and prejudiced priests. Detori keeps her identity secret to prevent discrimination, revealing it only to a girl who turns out to be from the same country as her.

But some priests at the monastery are part of a plot to imprison all of Detori's people. They overhear Detori talking with her new friend and plant a trap. Suddenly one wrong move could ruin her life. For three months, she is cautious enough to stay out of their grasp. So they take action and carry her off to a distant prison.

As Leona searches for her friend, Detori does everything she can to escape. But if they are ever going to find each other again, it's going to be a long ride.