Query Letter for YA Fantasy

[Molly]

Hello, I’m currently looking for representation for my YA
Fantasy novel ASHES OF REVENGE which sits around 96k words. Given your interest in YA Fantasy, I’m confident that my book will be a good fit for you.

Five species live in the land of Corrail - a territory with nothing to offer other than hate and violence. Raven, a badly burned Mundus, knows that better than anyone. Betrayed by her Kingdom, she wants nothing but revenge against the Mundus King.

From this hate, an unlikely trio forms with similar interests: Colt, an anxiety-ridden Shifter, and Richard, an overly strict Farian. The small group devises a plan when the Monstro King issues an ultimatum for the four other Kingdoms, side with him, or be reduced to ash. With the threat approaching quickly, they scramble to try and prevent war, keeping retribution nearby and doing so in the Monstro Kingdom - a place in which nightmares become a reality. 

Just as they begin to make progress, Death changes their course and forces Raven to make an unbreakable deal. She is forced to walk a thin line and one wrong step could mean the difference between suffering and vengeance. 

Readers enjoy my works on social media platforms such as Wattpad and Inkitt. Through those apps, I landed a publishing deal with one of my books - THE VAMPIRE’S PET - and with ASHES OF REVENGE, I believe it will appeal to mainstream readers of both fantasy and YA genres.

Thank you for taking the time to read this and I hope to hear from you soon.

[Kenny]

Hi Molly,

I by no means have any experience in publishing, but I have been querying my own YA novel and have learned a lot along the way about the dos and don'ts of querying, and I would like to share some of what I learned.

* "Hello," is not formal or professional enough, which isn't what you want in your query letter. It is also really frowned upon not to include a specific salutation to the agent you are querying, and add a touch of personalization to your query.

"Dear Mr./Ms./Mrs. [Agent's full name]," is a standard way to start a query letter, and already feels more personalized and professional, and shows that you have done your research and aren't just sending out a form query letter to a batch of random agents.

* "I'm looking for representation for my YA fantasy novel..."

Naturally, if you are approaching an agent with a query letter, it is because you're seeking representation. There is no need to state the obvious. The agent knows what the query is for, as do you. Every word in your query letter is precious, because you have to fit so much in so little. Rather than saying that you're seeking representation, specify why you're approaching this specific agent with your query letter and not the thousand other agents that exist.

"I read on your manuscript wishlist/profile/blog/website that you represent [your book's genre], featuring [specific elements from the agent's wishlist that exist in your book]."

The thing is, just because an agent represents YA fantasy is never, ever a guarantee that they will offer you representation or even want to read your manuscript. Statements like "I'm confident my book will be a good fit for you." or "My book will be the next bestseller" paints the querying author in a very harmful image. It makes you look unprofessional, because in reality you never know what will or won't be a bestseller and what will or won't flop, just like you would never know if an agent will be a good fit for you. Not without them reading your manuscript and liking it and actually offering you representation and agreeing with your vision for it. The thing is that getting published is a matter of luck and chances and timing, not a matter of confidence. There are thousands of talented writers out there who still failed to get an agent. It doesn't mean they're bad writers. It just means luck wasn't on their side this time and they have to keep trying.

I would suggest something along the lines of "I hope you will consider my YA Fantasy, ASHES OF REVENGE, finished at 96000 words." or "I think you might be a good fit for [your book's info]."

* Your blurb is a little too confusing to me. It has too many names and character info. What matters in the blurb of your query is: your MC, their conflict, what they'll do about it, and the stakes if they fail. There's a lot of ambiguity in your blurb and not very specific lines, which isn't recommended because it tells nothing about the story.

"Five species live in the land of Corrail" makes me think the next line will proceed to tell me what these five species are and how they're relevant to the plot, but then you move on to describe the land of Corrail instead. Backstory/worldbuilding isn't important in your query letter. Tell me who's the hero of this story and why I care about them.

"After being betrayed by her kingdom [I would suggest something more specific here. What was the betrayal exactly? Because that's such a general term. Is it related to her being burned? Could that fit in here then?], [usually you want to state your protag's age here] Raven wants nothing but revenge against [I would ditch the Mundus because I don't know what Mundus is and therefore it doesn't mean anything to me and doesn't tell me anything.] King [Name]."

The conflict you introduce in your second paragraph seems unrelated to everything in the first paragraph, which makes me even more confused. First, the Mundus King is introduced as the antagonist Raven wants revenge from. But then suddenly there's the Monstro King too. Where does the Mundus King come into play here? How are these two connected? What is the main conflict of the story? Is it the one in the first paragraph or the second? I can't tell. Is the first paragraph supposed to be backstory for Raven? If so, then the first paragraph should probably be removed completely.

"When the King of Monstro -brief description of the Monstro kingdom, one that is more specific than 'a place in which nightmares become a reality,' because, given this is fantasy, I'm not sure if this is literal or figurative- issues an ultimatum for the neighboring kingdoms, to either side with him or be reduced to ash, [age] Raven joins a trio of fighters [or whatever specific terms applies to your MCs] in an attempt to prevent the massacre of an entire land." or something along these lines. The main conflict *has* to be clear in your pitch.

The rest of your blurb is all very vague and unclear.

"Death changes their course and forces Raven to make an unbreakable deal"

Why is "Death" capitalized? Is Death a character in the story? What is this deal that Death is forcing Raven to make? If I don't know what the deal is, I don't know what's at stake.

"She is forced to walk a thin line and one wrong step could mean the difference between suffering and vengeance. "

Not specific enough. The stakes aren't clear. What is "suffering" exactly? What does it mean to Raven? Is it dying? Being tortured? Watching her friends killed and slaughtered? Why is vengeance back now when she's fighting the Monstro King and not the Mundus King? Are they the same person?

By the end of this blurb, I'm not sure where the main conflict is. Is it with the Mundus King? The Monstro King? Or Death? I would highly recommend focusing on *one* conflict, your main conflict that drives your story, instead of trying to fit it all the conflicts your story has into a blurb of 150 words. It's sad to have to summarize our stories with all their intersecting plotlines and subplots into such a small amount of words, but trying to explain so many plotlines and not giving enough about each one in your blurb will only make an agent confused. There's too much happening right now, and at the same time not enough to convey the conflict of your story. Ditch the sideplots. Ditch the vague wording. Establish the stakes. And focus on your protagonist and the main conflict leading her journey.

I've never used Inkitt before, but I have used Wattpad, and Fanfiction.net, and AO3, and readers also loved my stories online, but I will tell you this now: I have never once mentioned this in any of my queries. These websites are not credentials, because anyone can post on them and get ratings and readers and whatnot. I'm also pretty sure they have negative connotations in the publishing world, and mentioning that you have published on them won't amaze an agent or make them more eager to sign with you. However, that is amazing that you've landed a publishing deal, and that's what you should stick to in your credentials. State the date of publication, how many copies you sold, the average rating, and maybe the publishing house that gave you the deal.

Another thing to consider including in your query is comp titles. I personally loathe comp titles. I don't like using them. Unfortunately, a big number of agents will require comp titles and you'll have to do your research to choose the best comp titles for your book, otherwise you'll miss the opportunity to submit to some wonderful agents out there. Not every agent requires them, so you can still get away with not including them (I have), but they are a requirement for other agents and that's something to keep in mind. You can use two or three comp titles, but not more. Two is a standard. Your comp titles should also be recent published works (within the past five years, preferably less) that are neither popular or unpopular. You don't want to comp your book to a bestseller by a very famous author with an established name. This goes hand in hand with what I already mentioned about claiming your book will be a bestseller. You also don't want to comp your novel to books that haven't been successful and barely made any sales, because why would an agent wanna take on something that already didn't work? Coming up with comp titles is very tedious and, in my opinion, can be harder than writing the query itself.

In the end, your query should look something like this:

Dear Mr./Ms./Mrs. [Agent's name],

Personalized note to agent stating why you're approaching them and why your novel will appeal to them (using items from the agent's wishlist).

Your novel's one-sentence pitch/logline, aka your hook, where you introduce your MC and establish their main conflict.

Expand on your pitch and end the paragraph with your high stakes.

TITLE OF YOUR BOOK, is a standalone [with series potential if applicable], [comp titles and why you're using these comps--what aspects do they share with your book]

Your author bio here. Keep it brief.

[If agent asks for sample pages attached to query] Please find down below the first [number of] pages of my manuscript, per your submissions guidelines.

Sincerely,
Your real name (+ pen name [if applicable])
Phone number
Your author website + social media links [if applicable]

This twitter thread has a very wonderful guide to writing a query letter, by an agented author who has also worked as an editorial intern and read many, many query letters. I would recommend you take a look at it as I'm sure it will help you: https://twitter.com/findmeediting/sta...

[Molly]

Kenny wrote: "Hi Molly,

I by no means have any experience in publishing, but I have been querying my own YA novel and have learned a lot along the way about the dos and don'ts of querying, and I would like to s..."

Hello, so sorry for the late reply but I revised it and then had to let it sit for a day, but then school work was piled onto me, but I finally found some free time. Thank you for all the amazing feedback! I have done some of my own research, but sometimes actually seeing another opinion helps me more.

Here's what I've changed:

Dear, (AGENT), I read on your wishlist that you specifically like YA Fantasies with a focus on dark fantasy and light romance with a unique outlook on the genre. I hope you will consider my 96k word YA Fantasy novel ASHES OF REVENGE. I would compare my book to the likes of SHADOW AND BONE and THERE WILL COME A DARKNESS with dark characters with unspeakable powers. (note, the comp titles will only be included for the agents who require them).

Here are a few options for the logline:
- Death was supposed to be feared, but Raven had meat Death and he smiled.

- Life is a game, and Raven means to win it by any means necessary.
- Fire had made Raven, and fire would destroy them.

(Note, the blurb still needs to be reduced further, but hopefully, this one was a bit more clear):
Five species live in the land of Corrail: Teliks, Shifters, Mudnus’, Monstros, and Farians, making the territory nothing but a spite and hate filled cesspool. Teenager Raven, a badly burned Mundus, knows that better than anyone. Betrayed by her Kingdom and left to die in the Farian territory, she wants nothing but revenge against the Mundus King, her father, and the one who knew and allowed the torturous event to aspire. 
 
Years after the incident, an unlikely trio has formed with similar interests: Colt, an anxiety-ridden teenage Shifter, and Richard, an overly strict older Farian. The small group devise a plan to overtake any Kingdom that opposes the Farian one, trying to prevent the five species from going to war. 
 

Just as they begin to make progress, a new player in their twisted game appears: Death. He wants to preserve and protect the Monstro Kingdom, his favorite of the five. Instead, he transports the group into the Munuds Kingdom with a new mission for Raven to follow: allow the Mundus King to kill her so he can gain more control of her, and in return she will be brought back and rewarded the Kingdom. With Death promising that Colt and Richard will be hurt if she doesn’t do as she’s told, she agrees to the deal. However, there is another catch to the agreement. She must keep the deal and therefore Death a secret from the other two. But vengeance courses so fast beneath her skin that nothing can stop her from getting what she wants. 

In 2018 I landed a publishing deal with TypeWriter Pub and published my book THE VAMPIRE’S PET. It has made me an Amazon bestseller and currently holds a rating of 3.9 on Goodreads.

Thank you for taking the time to read this and I hope to hear from you soon.

Sincerely,
Molly Stegall

[Author56]

I think this version's a lot better, you can see Raven's motivation more. However, I think the first line still doesn't work. I can't keep track of all the different kingdoms, I thought Monstros was a misspelling of Mundus on my first read. For the query, you can just say Raven was exiled to a land of a different species, or even just that she was exiled.
There's also 5 characters introduced here, Raven, the king, Death, Colt, and Richard, which is also a lot to keep track of. I'd recommend just saying "she teams up with some new friends" or something of Thirdly, the last paragraph felt a bit awkward, like a laundry list of plot points. I actually liked the first draft's version of that better, when you leave it a mystery like that it makes me want to read it more. Otherwise, it feels like the unknown aspect is gone, and the only thing left to find out is the result of the climax.
Also, I'm not sure you're supposed to put a logline in a query,

[Molly]

Author56 wrote: "I think this version's a lot better, you can see Raven's motivation more. However, I think the first line still doesn't work. I can't keep track of all the different kingdoms, I thought Monstros wa..."

I took out the species and deleted a few sentences, but I'm not sure if this is too vague or confusing without me listing them. There are two versions of this:

In the land of Corrail there are five Kingdoms, using hate and spite to make the land a violent cesspool. Teenager Raven, a badly burned Mundus, knows that better than anyone. Betrayed by her Kingdom and left to die in enemy territory, she wants nothing but revenge against her King, the one who knew and allowed the torturous event to aspire. 
 
Years after the incident, an unlikely trio of varying species has formed with similar interests: Colt, an anxiety-ridden teenager with a past coated in blood, and Richard, an overly strict man with a skill for planning destruction. The small group devises a plan to overtake any Kingdom that opposes the Kingdom they live in, trying to prevent the five species from going to war. 
 

Just as they begin to make progress, a new player in their twisted game appears: Death. Moving the players, he transports the group to Raven’s old Kingdom with a new mission for her to follow that will take her to her limits. With Death promising that Colt and Richard will be hurt if she doesn’t do as she’s told, she agrees to the deal. However, there is another catch to the agreement. She must keep the deal and therefore Death a secret from the other two. But vengeance courses so fast beneath her skin that nothing can stop her from getting what she wants. 

OR

In the land of Corrail there are five Kingdoms, using hate and spite to make the land a violent cesspool. Teenager Raven, a badly burned Mundus, knows that better than anyone. Betrayed by her Kingdom and left to die in enemy territory, she wants nothing but revenge against her King, the one who knew and allowed the torturous event to aspire. 

Years after the incident, an unlikely trio of varying species has formed with similar interests. The small group devises a plan to overtake any Kingdom that opposes the Kingdom they live in, trying to prevent the five species from going to war. 


Just as they begin to make progress, a new player in their twisted game appears: Death. Moving the players, he transports the group to Raven’s old Kingdom with a new mission for her to follow that will take her to her limits. With Death promising that Colt and Richard will be hurt if she doesn’t do as she’s told, she agrees to the deal. But vengeance courses so fast beneath her skin that nothing can stop her from getting what she wants. 


Thanks!

[Author56]

I like the second one a lot better, but I think the start could be condensed even more to "Teenager Raven was betrayed by her King and exiled to an enemy territory, where hate and spite to make the land a violent cesspool." Otherwise it feels like a bit too much detail into world-building.

[Molly]

Author56 wrote: "I like the second one a lot better, but I think the start could be condensed even more to "Teenager Raven was betrayed by her King and exiled to an enemy territory, where hate and spite to make the..."

So this is the change for that first paragraph:

Teenager Raven was betrayed by her King, left in enemy territory where the cesspools of hate and violence came crashing down on her for simply being another species. She managed to escape during a fire, but the flame took her flesh with it.

Reading it back over I don't know if it's too vague, especially for a query letter and I'm not sure it's clear it's a Fantasy until later, which might make the 'species' thing confusing. It could just be me not wording it correctly though.
Thanks!

[Author56]

I think it is a nice change, since the five kingdoms didn't seem relevant to the story and this tells us a lot more about Raven. From reading it I can definitely tell it's fantasy, from words like "King". However you could change it to "an enemy kingdom," to make it a bit clearer. Overall, I think it's looking a lot better.
Some final changes:
Maybe say "He transports" instead of "Moving them, he transports". Also specify if she's a teenager in the backstory, in the "years later", or both.

[Molly]

Author56 wrote: "I think it is a nice change, since the five kingdoms didn't seem relevant to the story and this tells us a lot more about Raven. From reading it I can definitely tell it's fantasy, from words like ..."

Ok, I will make those changes! Thank you so much for the help!