Seeking critique on my Query

[Jenelle]

Hi, I'm looking for input on my query letter. All comments welcome. Thanks

17 yo Shayleen Cooper discovers a world full of monsters, and now has no choice but to fight, since she’s ensnared in chains, in the dampness, in a silk dress. She uncovers a heinous plan to unleash hordes of savage beasts and enslave mankind, created by a vicious man known as ‘The Boss.’ But when he declares Shayleen his secret weapon, the startling truth of what she will become looms upon her. Suddenly wanting unattainable boys is the least of her worries. The grotesque horde is closing in, threatening everyone left alive she cares about.
No big deal, right? All that stands in her way is continued imprisonment, ruthless shifters, and a swarm of ferocious creatures inching closer.
But should she stay away? Everybody she gets close to ends up dead or forever altered…

I am the social media representative and member of a local writers’ group, as well as being involved in numerous other online writing and critique groups, I am raising little readers of my own.

[Gifford]

As a first impression, I feel like there's too much emphasis on small things and not enough on the big picture.

Example of small things:
- How important to the story is the silk dress or dampness?

- How do the "unattainable boys" fit in? This doesn't seem to belong where it appears, but maybe if the query starts out with something like "17 yo Shayleen Cooper's biggest problem is wanting one of the unattainable boys in her ( high school or whatever), until she uncovers..." (Just an example -- I'm sure you can do it better.)

Big picture:
- I don't know anything about "the Boss" except he's vicious and has this plan. Is he a native or alien? What gives him his power? Why is Shayleen his choice to become the secret weapon?

- Are the "ruthless shifters" part of the horde of creatures or another element she has to deal with?

- How can Shayleen "stay away" or "get close to" her loved ones if she's still imprisoned? There's something here that I can't quite get a hold on.

I also thought the references to the creatures gets repetitive: "hordes of savage beasts", "grotesque horde", "grotesque swarm of ferocious creatures". If you filter these down, it may have more punch.

Hope this helps. Best of luck!

[Keely]

Hi, Jenelle!
Here are my initial impressions:
- "wanting unattainable boys is the least of her worries" This felt like it came out of nowhere. It sounds like there might be a balancing of teen life vs fantasy problems? If so, you might want to play that up more.
- "ruthless shifters" Are we talking about shapeshifters? They feel a bit thrown in. Maybe remove or elaborate on them if they're important. There's already a lot going on with beasts, creatures, and hordes.
- "continued imprisonment" Sounds a bit clunky. I'd get rid of "continued". You might want some explanation as to why she's been imprisoned and remains so. I'm guessing it's by The Boss?

[Jenelle]

thanks for the input.

[Jenelle]

thanks for your comments I will think about them.