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[B]

Nashita wrote: "Bhavya wrote: "Hello!
I’m working on my story for the competition. :)"

Have fun!"

Thanks!

[Marie]

Nashita wrote: "Im gng to write my rant for Fbaa"

ohh i'm looking forward to that

[B]

Marie wrote: "Nashita wrote: "Im gng to write my rant for Fbaa"

ohh i'm looking forward to that"

me too!

[B]

Ok, so I need some help.

I have to write my short story on revenge of 1000-2000 word and submit it tomorrow. I've written around 700 words now, which I'll share here. Can you'll please critique it?

[B]

“How does it feel to be free, da?” Johnny had asked his father one morning, his eyes hopeful of the words his father would say.

“Free, eh?” His father countered. “There’s no kind of freedom where we live, son. Everybody here is tied to another. Death is a better freedom than life in Datoil .” The hope had gone from Johnny’s eyes at that, but Johnny had soon discovered that his father wasn’t wrong.

There was no freedom in Datoil, a small, disgusting lane, where no sane person lived. But Johnny didn’t care about being a sane person, he cared about staying alive, and if he had to live in this scrawny lane with no freedom, he’d prefer that over death.

Johnny walked towards his cabin, whistling a tone he had heard his da sing when he was a little boy. He didn’t have much memory of his da, except for a few restless nights where he saw his father’s worried face and wondered what was wrong. “Nothing happened Johnny. Everything is fine.” Da used to say, and Johnny had believed him, until five tall men came in black clothes, pistols in their hand and took his father away. Johnny didn’t know if his da was dead or alive, and he didn’t know which to pray for. Death is a better freedom than life in Datoil, his father had believed. Perhaps his da would have preferred death.

Johnny entered the cabin he’d chosen for himself years ago, when he was a little boy still mourning the loss of a father. The memory left him dazed, but it didn’t sting like before. He had enough time to forget old wounds, to erase them from his memory and pretend nothing happened. Now he was Johnny Roark, one of the most feared criminals in Datoil. A liar, a murderer. A cutthroat and a thief.

Johnny hung his coat on the wall, sitting on the rusty chair that made a squeaking noise whenever he did so. Johnny cursed under his breath. He hated the damned chair.

Johnny’s eyes fell to the note on his table, and he knew there was only one person who must have left it. Meet me near Peter’s restaurant.

Johnny sighed. He got up from the squeaking chair, put on his black coat and walked back outside, closing the cabin door shut.

He didn’t mind Peter’s restaurant, but the wretched place was too nice for Datoil. It was painted pink, and he could have sworn it had sparkly golden lights. Too nice for my liking, he thought.

Johnny waited patiently when he was outside the white door of Peter's restaurant. It didn’t exactly have a name, as far as Johnny knew, and Peter had the good sense not to paint a pink banner. At least he had some semblance of a brain.

“Johnny Roark.” He heard a familiar voice. Johnny turned to see Bartha looking him over, her brown and grey hair full of flour, and wearing a pink apron that
matched the entrance of Peter's restaurant.

“Good to see you Bartha.” Johnny said, tipping his head slightly. “What business did you call me for?” Bartha worked at Peters restaurant, a nice old lady with a nice job at a nice place. He remembered her giving him cakes when he was a little boy, often coated in sugar frosting. It was a basic rule at Datoil to never accept anything for free, so Bartha’s sugar cakes were always given to the street dogs to chew on, but he had appreciated the sentiment then.

Bartha but her lip, which Johnny knew was a nervous habit. “Let’s go inside.” She said, then lowered her voice. “I’ve got information on your father.”

Johnny’s eyebrows shot up. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” He said, loosening his shoulders for dramatic effect. “My father died years ago.”

Johnny fought through the rage that coursed through him, the voice in his head screaming. Revenge. Take your revenge Johnny. Make them pay. He wouldn't think of that. Revenge was a foolish dream, a pointless desire. If there was one thing Johnny Rook had learned all these years alone at Datoil, it was to never take revenge from anyone. A waste of resources.

“No.” Bartha said, her voice surprisingly fearless. “They didn’t kill your father that day Johnny. He’s still alive and I know where he is.”


***

[B]

I know it needs a lot of editing, but I shall do that once I've written the full thing. Any feedback?

I was planning on writing the rest from another pov

[iffat]

Bhavya wrote: "I know it needs a lot of editing, but I shall do that once I've written the full thing. Any feedback?

I was planning on writing the rest from another pov"

ig Johny's POV is fine. Great writing btw

[Lorelei]

I really like it!

The only thing I can find is this:

'Johnny walked towards his cabin, whistling a tone"

I didn't know if you meant 'tune' & not 'tone'

[B]

Iffat Nusaiba wrote: "Bhavya wrote: "I know it needs a lot of editing, but I shall do that once I've written the full thing. Any feedback?

I was planning on writing the rest from another pov"

ig Johny's POV is fine. G..."

Thank you!
Any comments on where to improve? :)

[B]

Lorelei wrote: "I really like it!

The only thing I can find is this:

'Johnny walked towards his cabin, whistling a tone"

I didn't know if you meant 'tune' & not 'tone'"

Thank you!

Aah yes, good catch. i shall fix that.

Anything I can do to make it better?

[Nash (all too unwell)]

This is really good Bhavya...I lovee it<33

[B]

All the 'da' are in italics. I didn't format everything here. :)

[Lorelei]

Bhavya wrote: "Lorelei wrote: "I really like it!

The only thing I can find is this:

'Johnny walked towards his cabin, whistling a tone"

I didn't know if you meant 'tune' & not 'tone'"

Thank you!

Aah yes, go..."

Nope! I think it looks pretty amazing.

I also didn't know if you wanted to change "A liar, a murderer. A cutthroat and a thief." to "A liar, a murder, a cutthroat, and a thief" or "A liar and a murderer. A cutthroat and a thief."

I'm not any good at writing so you are under no obligation to listen to this

[B]

Nashita wrote: "This is really good Bhavya...I lovee it<33"

Thank you!
Anything I should change? :)

[B]

What did you'll like about this? :)

[raina]

Bhavya wrote: "“How does it feel to be free, da?” Johnny had asked his father one morning, his eyes hopeful of the words his father would say.

“Free, eh?” His father countered. “There’s no kind of freedom where ..."

This is awesome!!!
Few grammatical/spelling errors, for example- Bartha but her lip- I think you meant bit here..
Otherwise its great!

[Lorelei]

Bhavya wrote: "What did you'll like about this? :)"

I like everything about it. It has immediately made me want to know more about this world and these characters

[B]

Lorelei wrote: "Bhavya wrote: "Lorelei wrote: "I really like it!

The only thing I can find is this:

'Johnny walked towards his cabin, whistling a tone"

I didn't know if you meant 'tune' & not 'tone'"

Thank yo..."

Aww thank you!

I guess i could change that. i still need to edit through this. Thank you. :)

[B]

Raina wrote: "Bhavya wrote: "“How does it feel to be free, da?” Johnny had asked his father one morning, his eyes hopeful of the words his father would say.

“Free, eh?” His father countered. “There’s no kind of..."

Thank you!
Aah yes, i fixed that. I need to edit it more, this is a rough draft. Good cath. :)

[Lorelei]

Bhavya wrote: "Lorelei wrote: "Bhavya wrote: "Lorelei wrote: "I really like it!

The only thing I can find is this:

'Johnny walked towards his cabin, whistling a tone"

I didn't know if you meant 'tune' & not '..."

No problem!

Also, sorry for nagging you, but I found one more little error:

"Bartha worked at Peters restaurant" which should be 'Bartha worked at Peter's restaurant"

[B]

Lorelei wrote: "Bhavya wrote: "What did you'll like about this? :)"

I like everything about it. It has immediately made me want to know more about this world and these characters"

Aww thank you so much 💕

[B]

Lorelei wrote: "Bhavya wrote: "Lorelei wrote: "Bhavya wrote: "Lorelei wrote: "I really like it!

The only thing I can find is this:

'Johnny walked towards his cabin, whistling a tone"

I didn't know if you meant..."

Fixed it! Thanks💖

[Nash (all too unwell)]

These are not mistakes, but I thought it would sound better this way<3
No offence intended💖

Everybody here is tied to another.
I think it would be better if it was Everyone here is tied to one another

...five tall men came in black clothes, pistols in their hand and took his father away.
Maybe five tall men in black came in...

...was to never take revenge from anyone. A waste of resources.
Maybe never take revenge on anyone?

I really love the story ahh!

[raina]

Bhavya wrote: "What did you'll like about this? :)"

I loved the writing style! Also hope you don't mind just one last thing, I feel commas are overused in some sentences( I am no expert at writing, just a suggestion)...except that the story is perfect!

[iffat]

Bhavya wrote: "Iffat Nusaiba wrote: "Bhavya wrote: "I know it needs a lot of editing, but I shall do that once I've written the full thing. Any feedback?

I was planning on writing the rest from another pov"

ig ..."


well, I would've split this sentence up and made this two. If you don't want, it's fine anyway❤

Bartha worked at Peters restaurant, a nice old lady with a nice job at a nice place.

[raina]

Bhavya wrote: "Raina wrote: "Bhavya wrote: "“How does it feel to be free, da?” Johnny had asked his father one morning, his eyes hopeful of the words his father would say.

“Free, eh?” His father countered. “Ther..."

no problem :))

[Marie]

Bhavya wrote: "“How does it feel to be free, da?” Johnny had asked his father one morning, his eyes hopeful of the words his father would say.

“Free, eh?” His father countered. “There’s no kind of freedom where ..."

that's really good! i like it a lot. apart from what the others said already, i have only two things to point out.

"Too nice for my liking, he thought." - you have "my" as a first person pronoun but the whole story is from 3rd person pov so either you change it to "his" or you mark the thought as internal dialogue

the other thing is that you start a lot of sentences with Johnny/he + verb (Johnny sighed. He got up. Johnny waited. etc.), maybe you could vary the beginnings of your sentences a bit

[B]

Nashita wrote: "These are not mistakes, but I thought it would sound better this way<3
No offence intended💖

Everybody here is tied to another.
I think it would be better if it was Everyone here is tied to one ano..."

Thank you! I made the edits. :)

[B]

Iffat Nusaiba wrote: "Bhavya wrote: "Iffat Nusaiba wrote: "Bhavya wrote: "I know it needs a lot of editing, but I shall do that once I've written the full thing. Any feedback?

I was planning on writing the rest from an..."

I've done that! Thank you

[g.vee]

Bhavya wrote: "“How does it feel to be free, da?” Johnny had asked his father one morning, his eyes hopeful of the words his father would say.

“Free, eh?” His father countered. “There’s no kind of freedom where ..."

ITS REALLY AMAZING.
I have a thing to say - I feel like Johnny can be replaced with he/him/his a few times. And as Detoil is described as a place where no sane person would live, I think you can also show how bad it is. The first person we actually meet here is Bartha, who is nice, so...

I am not that good at it so just a suggestion.

[B]

Raina wrote: "Bhavya wrote: "What did you'll like about this? :)"

I loved the writing style! Also hope you don't mind just one last thing, I feel commas are overused in some sentences( I am no expert at writing..."

Thank you so much!
i agree, i kinda have an issues of overusing commas :/

I will cut some down

[B]

Feel free to leave nay criticism. Don't worry about offending me. :)

[B]

Gourica wrote: "Bhavya wrote: "“How does it feel to be free, da?” Johnny had asked his father one morning, his eyes hopeful of the words his father would say.

“Free, eh?” His father countered. “There’s no kind of..."

Thank you!
That is a good point. i didn't think of that.

i will change that.

[raina]

Bhavya wrote: "Raina wrote: "Bhavya wrote: "What did you'll like about this? :)"

I loved the writing style! Also hope you don't mind just one last thing, I feel commas are overused in some sentences( I am no exp..."

Ahh I can relate 😂

[B]

Marie wrote: "Bhavya wrote: "“How does it feel to be free, da?” Johnny had asked his father one morning, his eyes hopeful of the words his father would say.

“Free, eh?” His father countered. “There’s no kind of..."

Thank you!

That part is in italics. I forgot to format it here. :)
That is a good point. I'll edit through that.

[B]

Raina wrote: "Bhavya wrote: "Raina wrote: "Bhavya wrote: "What did you'll like about this? :)"

I loved the writing style! Also hope you don't mind just one last thing, I feel commas are overused in some sentenc..."

I'm not alone!

[The Cat of Elfhame]

Bhavya wrote: "“How does it feel to be free, da?” Johnny had asked his father one morning, his eyes hopeful of the words his father would say.

“Free, eh?” His father countered. “There’s no kind of freedom where ..."

is this based on shadowhunters? because johnny rook is what TDA starts with hahaha
i love the writing style btw!

[B]

The Cat of Elfhame wrote: "Bhavya wrote: "“How does it feel to be free, da?” Johnny had asked his father one morning, his eyes hopeful of the words his father would say.

“Free, eh?” His father countered. “There’s no kind of..."

Actually no, it’s not Shadowhunters.

I knew I heard that name somewhere! Damm it.
I thought I made it up in my head. I’m so forgetful. Really sorry. :(

I’ll change the name, dw 😳

[Mango]

Bhavya wrote: "“How does it feel to be free, da?” Johnny had asked his father one morning, his eyes hopeful of the words his father would say.

“Free, eh?” His father countered. “There’s no kind of freedom where ..."

This is great! Just one thing (warning,: I'm a grammar freak). It is not necessary for "da" and "Datoil" to be italicized

[Mango]

And the second to last paragraph you wrote Johnny Rook. But before you said Johnny Roarke. Is that on purpose or an error?

[B]

Mango wrote: "Bhavya wrote: "“How does it feel to be free, da?” Johnny had asked his father one morning, his eyes hopeful of the words his father would say.

“Free, eh?” His father countered. “There’s no kind of..."

Yes I know that, it’s on purpose. :)

[B]

Mango wrote: "And the second to last paragraph you wrote Johnny Rook. But before you said Johnny Roarke. Is that on purpose or an error?"

That was an error! It’s fixed in my doc. :)

[Mango]

Bhavya wrote: "Mango wrote: "Bhavya wrote: "“How does it feel to be free, da?” Johnny had asked his father one morning, his eyes hopeful of the words his father would say.

“Free, eh?” His father countered. “Ther..."

Ok!

[Mango]

Bhavya wrote: "Mango wrote: "And the second to last paragraph you wrote Johnny Rook. But before you said Johnny Roarke. Is that on purpose or an error?"

That was an error! It’s fixed in my doc. :)"

Great!

[B]

Any other feedback? :)

[B]

Now I have an outline in how to continue, but I’m stuck on actually writing it 😒

[B]

This is what happens when I pile up stuff for last min

[B]

I had one month to write this, but I didn’t feel motivated. This is the first time I’m writing in a theme.

[Mango]

Bhavya wrote: "Any other feedback? :)"

Oh yeah! Well I'm mostly very picky on grammar, but really bad at writing...

But, the moment when Bartha says she has info on Johnny's father is a bit brief. Maybe you could extend it a bit by I don't know, describing the vibe of the situation? I'm a pretty bad writer, this is just a suggestion It's up to you if you want to do it! :)

[Niharika✩]

I like it! Though is this going to be a book?