Terminalcoffee discussion
General Fuckery
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The Joke Thread
I know you are all under the impression that our medical system is marvelous. I just received the following...
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers,
"Hello."
"Mrs. Sanders, please."
"Speaking."
"Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory.
When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well...
We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband.
Frankly, either way the results are not too good."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV.
We can't tell which is which."
"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs.Sanders.
"Normally we can, but MEDICARE will only pay for these expensive tests once."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The MEDICARE Helpdesk recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town.
If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers,
"Hello."
"Mrs. Sanders, please."
"Speaking."
"Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory.
When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well...
We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband.
Frankly, either way the results are not too good."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV.
We can't tell which is which."
"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs.Sanders.
"Normally we can, but MEDICARE will only pay for these expensive tests once."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The MEDICARE Helpdesk recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town.
If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him
As a collector and user of fountain pens, I have to post my favorite (and only) pen joke.
A doctor is making his rounds. He reaches into his pocket for his pen, but all he finds is a thermometer.
"Oh, shit. Some asshole has my pen."
A doctor is making his rounds. He reaches into his pocket for his pen, but all he finds is a thermometer.
"Oh, shit. Some asshole has my pen."
A motorcycle mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of aHarley-Davidson when he spotted a well-known Cardiac Surgeon in his
shop.
The Cardiac Surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come
and take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the
garage, 'Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?' The Cardiac Surgeon, a
bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the
motorcycle.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, 'So
Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out,
repaired the damage, and then put them back in, and when I finished,
it works just like new.
So how come I make $40,000 a year and you make $1,500,000 when you and
I are doing basically the same work?'
The Cardiac Surgeon paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic...
'Try doing it with the engine running'.
A Male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my testicles black?'
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.'
He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?'
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a close look and says, 'There's nothing wrong with them, Sir !!'
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, 'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely.....
'A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ? '
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Man Flu - The Facts...1. Man-Flu is more painful than childbirth. This is an irrefutable scientific fact*.
*(Based on a survey of over 100,000 men.)
2. Man-Flu is not 'just a cold'. It is a condition so severe that the germs from a single Man-Flu sneeze could wipe out entire tribes of people living in the rainforest. And probably loads of monkeys too.
3. Women do not contract Man-Flu. At worst they suffer from what is medically recognised as a 'Mild Girly Sniffle' – which, if a man caught, he would still be able to run, throw a ball, tear the phone book in half and compete in all other kinds of manly activities.
4. Men do not 'moan' when they have Man-Flu. They emit involuntary groans of agony that are entirely in proportion to the unbearable pain they are in.
5. Full recovery from Man-Flu will take place much quicker if their simple requests for care, sympathy and regular cups of tea are met. Is that really so much to ask? Florence Nightingale would have done it.
6. More men die each year from MFN (Man-Flu Neglect) than lots and lots of other things. (Like rabbit attacks or choking on toast).
7. Men suffering from Man-Flu want nothing more than to get out of bed and come to work, but they are too selfless to risk spreading this awful condition amongst their friends and colleagues. In this sense, they are the greatest heroes this country has ever known.
8. In 1982 scientists managed to simulate the agonising symptoms of full blown Man-Flu in a female chimp. She became so ill that her head literally fell off.
9. Man-Flu germs are more powerful than He-Man, The Thundercats and The A-Team combined. They are too strong for weak, nasty tasting 'lady medicines' like Lemsip, so don't bother trying to force them on a victim of Man-Flu.
10. While it may seem like a Man-Flu sufferer is just lying around enjoying 'Diagnosis Murder' it is a commonly recognised medical fact that the exact pitch and frequency of Dick Van Dyke's voice has remarkable soothing powers.
Every minute in this country one man is struck down by Man-Flu. Women, all we ask is that each of you offers them a cup of tea, some kind words and your undivided attention and care. Then maybe, just maybe, we'll beat this monstrous disease together...
Lee, since you're such an expert on the Man-Flu, would you like to do an interview on MNN? We at MNN see it as our job to
NEVER KNEW THE MAN, BUT I KNOW HE EXISTS BECAUSE I'VE OFTEN HEARD MY FRIENDS MENTION HIS NAME AND STRANGELY THEY SAY THAT THEY DON'T KNOW HIM EITHER. I JUST DON'T GET IT.WHO IS JACK SCHITT?
For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt'! Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, who married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc.
They had one son, Jack.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt', you can correct them.
For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle.. His father said, 'Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it.' The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, 'Son, where are you going?' Little Joseph told him; 'I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too.
And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage and no fucking bike!
HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD, AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE .George Phillips, an elderly man, from Walled Lake, Michigan, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"
He said "No, but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.
Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available"
George said, "Okay."
He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both, the dogs are eating them right now." and he hung up.
Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you killed them!"
George said , "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
(True Story) I LOVE IT! Don't mess with old people.
Why do Clemson fans wear orange? So they can wear it to the game on Saturday, huntin' on Sunday, and picking up trash by the side of the road the rest of the week.
This one works for any Southern school, really...
A Clemson coed is at the beach on spring break and meets a couple of guys. They start talking, and eventually she asks them, "So where do y'all go to school?" One of the guys answers "Yale," so she says, "WHERE DO Y'ALL GO TO SCHOOL?"
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor." "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.
"There's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do
about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars - A lot cheaper than a doctor."
So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Costco.
He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample.... He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy
activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Costco."
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.
Joe hurries back to Costco, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm.. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!
Thank you for shopping @ Costco!
A former Sergeant, having served his time with the Marine Crops, took a new job as a school teacher, but just before the school year started he injured his back. He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body.Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable.
On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart-alecky punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and decided to see how tough he really was, before trying any pranks. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk.
When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and promptly stapled the tie to his chest.
Dead silence. He had no trouble with discipline that year.
This one is probably unfair.Someone calls up Joyce Carol Oates and her secretary says, "I'm sorry, Ms. Oates is busy writing a novel."
"In that case," says the caller, "I'll hold."
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You almost have to be on Social Security to remember the elephant jokes from the 1960's. Their popularity had much to do with weed consumption. Here's one:How can you tell if there's an elephant in the bath tub with you?
Easy-- you can smell the peanuts on his breath.
Why was the elephant wearing tennies?Because nine-ies were too small and elevenies were too big.
How did the elephant hide in the grass?He painted his toenails green.
What time is it when ten elephants are chasing you?Ten after one.
_________
What game do elephants like to play most?
Squash
_____
What do elephants do for laughs?
They tell people jokes.
How can you tell if an elephant has been inside your fridge?You can see his footprints in the jello.
Who is the most famous male singing elephant?Harry Elephante.
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AHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!
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Meals on wheels.
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!
REPLACEMENT WINDOWS Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive
double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the
contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had
been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.
Hellloooo, just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am
automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales
guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would
pay for themselves! Helllooooo? It's been a year! I told him.
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so
I finally just hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot :)
A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. The store clerks called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor. The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery...
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.
"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.
He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"
He replied, "No money in the bank."
Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun.
He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."
The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD. WELL . . . YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE.
MY NAME IS DAVE , AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST..
I NOTICED HER DDS DIPLOMA ON THE WALL, WHICH BORE HER FULL NAME. SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, BEAUTIFUL, DARK-HAIRED GIRL
WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.
COULD SHE BE THE SAME GAL THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?
UPON SEEING HER, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.
THIS WOMAN WITH GRAY-HAIR AND A LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.
AFTER SHE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HER IF SHE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL .
'YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG,' SHE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.
WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE? I ASKED.
SHE ANSWERED, 'IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?'
YOU WERE IN MY CLASS! I EXCLAIMED.
SHE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.
THEN, THAT UGLY,
OLD,
GRAY HAIRED,
WRINKLED FACED,
FAT-ASSED,
DECREPIT
BITCH
ASKED,
WHAT DID YOU TEACH???
A married couple had been out shopping at the mall most of the afternoon, when suddenly, the wife realized that her husband had “disappeared.” Irate, she called her husband’s cell and demanded “Where the hell are you?”“Darling, remember that jewelry shop where you saw the diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it, and remember that I didn’t have the money at the time and said ‘Baby it’ll be yours one day”?
Somewhat embarrassed and with a blushing smile, she replied “Yes. I remember that, my love.”
“Well, I’m in the bar next to that store.”
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"I hope you won't mind if I tell a story about Americans and the size of things in Spain."
"Why should I mind?" said Clarence.
"Splendid. Well, there was an American whose Spanish host could not impress him. Everything was larger in America. The skyscrapers bigger than the palaces. The cars were bigger. The cats were bigger. At last his host placed a boiled lobster between his sheets and when the horrified American saw it his host said, 'This is one of our bedbugs.'"
A woman doctor on the reservation was driving down a long dusty road and saw a much older Indian woman walking. The doctor stopped to offer her a ride. On the seat between them was a brown paper bag. Indian woman: What's in the bag?"
Doctor: "A bottle of wine. I got it for my husband".
Indian Woman: "Good trade"
Two good ol' boys walking down the dirt road and saw a dog licking his, his ummm, 'nether regions'. First ol' boy: "Man, I'd love to do that!"
Second ol' boy: "That dog will bite youuuu".
Cheri wrote: "Two good ol' boys walking down the dirt road and saw a dog licking his, his ummm, 'nether regions'. First ol' boy: "Man, I'd love to be able to do that!"
Second ol' boy: "That dog will bite youuuu"."
The farmer's son and his girlfriend were leaning on the fence, watching a bull mount a cow.
"Man, I'd love to be doing what that bull is doing right now," said the farmboy.
"Well, why don't you?" said his girlfriend. "It's your cow."
Two hippies sharing life experiences.Hippie 1: "Hey man you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
Hippie 2: "No but I"ve been swung round by the balls a couple of times."
This one's for Jonathan:St. Peter was away from the gates of heaven for a few minutes, so they were closed and locked. When he returned, he could hear someone pounding on the gates, so he asked "Who's there?"
"It is I." came the response.
"Go away, we have enough English teachers!"
My wife told me to go to the doctors and get some of those tablets that 'help' get an erection.You should have seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills!
I'm still looking for a place to live.
Jammies wrote: "This one's for Jonathan:St. Peter was away from the gates of heaven for a few minutes..."
Good one, Jammies.
And, Lee, I'm ashamed to admit it, but that one really made me laugh.
Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to > its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply > alternative meanings for common words.>> The winners are:>> 1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.>> 2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.>> 3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.>> 4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.>> 5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.>> 6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly > answer the door in your nightgown.>> 7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.>> 8. Gargoyle (n), olive-flavored mouthwash.>> 9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run > over by a steamroller.>> 10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.>> 11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.>> 12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by > proctologists.>> 13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.>> 14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.>> 15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when > you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.>> 16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by > Jewish men.>>The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any > word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one > letter, and supply a new definition.>> The winners are:>>>> 1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright > ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign > of breaking down in the near future.>> 2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of > getting laid.>> 3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject > financially impotent for an indefinite period.>> 4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.>> 5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the > person who doesn't get it.>> 6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.>> 7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.>> 8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)>> 9. Karmageddon (n): its like, when everybody is sending off all these > really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, > a serious bummer.>> 10. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day > consuming only things that are good for you.>> 11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.>> 12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when > they come at you rapidly.>> 13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've > accidentally walked through a spider web.>> 14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your > bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.>> 15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the > fruit you're eating.>> And the pick of the literature:>> 16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
The hot dog vendor makes the hot dog and gives it to the Buddhist. The Buddhist gives the vendor a ten dollar bill which the vendor puts in his pocket.
Buddhist, "Where's my change?"
Vendor, "Change comes from within."