Need feedback for first scene in my Book (2328 words)

[H.]

I would love some feedback on the first scene in my book (2328 words)

This is from the first draft of my novel, a YA Dystopian fiction. The goals of what I am trying to achieve witht the first scene is at the top of the Google document.

This is my first time writing a book so I would love opinions, impressions and constructive critisism (not on spelling or grammar at this stage please) and the most important answer:

Would you keep reading it?

Thank you

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1G...

[A.C.]

Hi, I left some notes for you in the google doc. I think you more or less hit your goals, but some of them were easy. Such as disliking Anne. If you want the reader to dislike her you gave the reader no reason to feel otherwise --- although she tends to come across as stern but not a villain. The mystery is there but that's because there's a paucity of information doled out. The concept of giving over some of your soul to an automaton was easily the most interesting idea in your first chapter. In that sense, it made the issue of the brother's behavior/personality intriguing and it presents the conflict issue for Ellie (because she will have to do it one day) -- I realize you said to avoid the grammar stuff, but the formatting is off and it's something you need to nail (like punctuation on dialogue). Overall, for a first draft, it's not bad, establishing family problems for Ellie and the notion that not all is right in the Kingdom, which tends to be the bread and butter of these types of stories. So, nothing ground breaking but nothing off putting either. Once the prose is tightened your ideas will come across even better. Good luck.

[Wmba]

No I would not keep reading it but that is more me than your writing.

I read a bit and IMHO you could during a later edit [Do NOT stop to edit now!!] you could make the word flow a bit smoother. That might just be my preference and how I would phrase things though.

[Arthur]

Hi, I would love to read and provide great feedback for your manuscript. Contact me at arthur.jakes@yahoo.com

[Arthur]

Hi, I would love to read your first scene and provide great feedback. Contact me at arthur.jakes@yahoo.com