Query critique for an epic fantasy

[Gabrielle]

Hi,

I'd be really greatful for some feedback on my query. I've had previous feedback on reddit, but I wanted to get some here for this version. The book is targeted at adults (MCs are both 23), but I'm a bit worried this comes across as YA.

Thanks in advance!

--

Dear [Agent],

A single phrase burned into her memory. That’s all Eryn has gained after a year of sneaking into the forbidden archives. Whatever else she discovered is missing from her memory, yet something powerful drives her across Asorea to seek the phrase’s origin, filling her with agony if she resists. She accepts her fate to hunt for a book against impossible odds. If it’s as important as she thinks, she may finally gain the respect of her own kind. The respect any highborn kitari should have.

After months of searching, she finds a lead and journeys to a small town, but she soon finds herself imprisoned for murder. Escaping would be easy, with or without magic, but that would mean giving up on her only clue about the book. The town’s young lord discovers Eryn isn’t human, and thanks to the tales he’s heard of the kitari, he frees her. He even he has what she seeks.

The book is exactly as Eryn feared – prophetic. Not only that, but one of the most powerful beings in history authored it. A new compulsion grips Eryn. She must prevent a prophecy about the end of the world coming to pass. The trouble is, the one she believes is destined to fulfil it is dead. So why does pain still overcomes her if she considers returning home? All she can do is research, but when chaos falls on the town, her answer comes with it.

ECHOES OF CHAOS (122k words) is an epic fantasy, the first in a character-driven series. It will interest fans of Robin Hobb's world building and the storytelling of Sarah J. Maas.

[Details of anything attached]. I look forward to hearing from you.

Yours sincerely,

[Me]

[Meg]

Very quick comment--a query letter should also include your writing credentials and the reason you're choosing this particular agent (which you may not have included here, bc it's different for each version of the letter).

Nice job on the comps!

[Gabrielle]

Meg wrote: "Very quick comment--a query letter should also include your writing credentials and the reason you're choosing this particular agent (which you may not have included here, bc it's different for eac..."

Thanks :) I don't have any writing credentials though. I was definitely going to include why I've chosen that agent, but would that go at the top or bottom? Most queries I've seen jump straight into the blurb.

[Allie]

Hi Gabby,
For the most part, agents usually have certain requirements for the books they choose. Like wanting the information in a particular order, etc. Sometimes they will only take certain genres, YA/middle grade, or something more specific like "looking for adult contemporary that takes place outside North America." So before you submit your query make sure you read the agent's guidelines and follow them.
If they don't have certain guidelines, I suggest you start your letter with an elevator pitch/ high concept tagline, word count, genre, series/ standalone, and for fans of Robin Hobbs, etc. Sadly, you're going to have to sell the idea of your book before getting into the story.
For example:
"The Bachelor meets the Hunger Games in space"***, 150K adult dark fantasy standalone for fans of Robin Hobbs
*** idk if this is a real thing
As for the blurb, I think you should consider cutting it down. Your story sounds fascinating but you don't want to give too much away or focus on small details. How important is the murder in the story? Is it a subplot? Blurbs should reveal the overachieving plot, the main character's motivation, the story's location, and any subplots. It should also carry the same tone and writing style in the manuscript.
Also add a little something about yourself, who you are as an author, who you are as a reader, and things you like in general.

I hope this helps and good luck in the query process!!

[Gabrielle]

Allie wrote: "Hi Gabby,
For the most part, agents usually have certain requirements for the books they choose. Like wanting the information in a particular order, etc. Sometimes they will only take certain genr..."

Thanks very much!

I've got a list of potential agents, and they all mention an interest in fantasy, but don't specify more than that. The X meets Y comparison, honestly I'd have no idea what to do for that! I'll have a think though.

The murder is very minor and basically just sets up Eryn meeting the other POV character. I'll see how it reads without that in, thank you for pointing it out.

Other than the last sentence of the blurb, this actually only covers the first ~25k words. Do you think that's still too much? The first paragraph of the blurb happens before the book, and Eryn muses over it in the first few pages.

Thank you very much for your time.

[Meg]

Personally, I prefer "It will interest fans of Robin Hobb's world building and the storytelling of Sarah J. Maas." better than ""The Bachelor meets the Hunger Games in space", but that's probably personal preference.

As for writing credentials: are you a member of any writers' organizations? have a critique group? Have you taken workshops or gone to any conferences? Published anything in magazines or newspapers? Is your job writing-adjacent, or does it involve any writing? (e.g., I write nonfiction and I teach astronomy) You don't want to go overboard and really look like you're reaching, of course. A simple "I am currently unpublished, but I have been an active member of SCBWI since 2012" is at least something.

Good short description of query letters here: https://www.goodstorycompany.com/blog.... And the Book Doctors usually know what they're talking about (check their youtube channel).

best of luck!
Meg

[Gabrielle]

Meg wrote: "Personally, I prefer "It will interest fans of Robin Hobb's world building and the storytelling of Sarah J. Maas." better than ""The Bachelor meets the Hunger Games in space", but that's probably p..."

Thanks again Meg. I'm not a member of any writing organisations (I'd assumed you had to be published), nor any critique groups. Nothing published. I'm a stay at home mum (3 year old and 2 year old) and used to be a software developer, so nothing to mention there either! All I can really say is I love reading and used to write a lot when I was younger, and now have a chance to pursue it seriously. Perhaps not seriously enough, based on your list! I am entering what contests I can, but usually have to hunt for the free ones.

I'll take a look at that link. Thanks again.

[Allie]

Hi Gabby,
I'm happy my comment helped. When it comes to blurbs, you want to give the audience a taste, not a whole bite. The blurb should set up the story a little, if it takes the reader 25k words to get past the info in the blurb, that might be too much.
You can start with something like this:
"Eryn has but a single phrase burned into her memory. After spending a year scouring the forbidden archives to find a book, the origin of the phrase and the only thing that can tell her who she is. A clue leads her to Aorsea where may finally gain the respect of her own kind. The respect of any highborn kitari should have. etc."***
*** you definitely know more about the story than I do, so take this with a grain of salt :)
And you should add if there is more than one POV in the blurb, yes some characters are more important than others, but it shouldn't be a surprise to read multiple POVs.
Good luck!!