Query critic

[Chantelle]

Hi everyone,

I was hoping to get some feedback on this query.


DOWN THE MOON- 90K - Adult Contemporary Fantasy

Dear Agent,

I am seeking representation for my debut novel, DOWN THE MOON.

***

Lo Kane killed a childhood bully and has been lying ever since.

Lying about the voices she hears inside her head, and her ability to manipulate the world around her without anyone noticing.

Lying about why she can’t sleep at night.

But the voices are getting louder, and something sinister is calling out, spreading madness throughout the small, prairie town of Gold Lake.

It wants something from her, and she has the sinking feeling inside, the murders won’t stop until she listens.

Forced to confront the truth of who and what she is, Lo learns she is an Acolyte, a human, born with the gift of magic and the unique ability to travel between realms.

The only catch is, there’s a price.

When Cole Hardwin returns to his hometown of Gold Lake, he has no intention of staying; bury his father, console his mother, and then be on his way.

Wherever his home is, he knows it isn’t here.

But things get complicated when he takes a job at a local farm and meets Lo.

As the town plunges into chaos, and Lo’s secrets are revealed, the two find a comfort in one another, neither one was searching for.

Loosely based on Greek Mythology, and told through multiple points of view, DOWN THE MOON is a story about guilt, grief, and the Daemons we carry.

Or better yet, the Daemons that carry us.

Complete at 90K, with series potential, DOWN THE MOON, will appeal to fans of the modern, supernatural landscapes of Neil Gaiman, the character driven prose of Madelaine Miller, and the flawed, anti-heroes of Gillian Flynn.

[bio]

[Author56]

I really like the story premise. However, I wasn't sure how killing a bully had to do with her magic, since you say she was born with it. If it's not important to the story, I'd recommend cutting it. Another thing I wasn't exactly sure on is what sinister thing there is out there, and how it relates to Lo. It would make the stakes a lot clearer to say "(Whatever's happening) keeps happening. Lo knows it's her fault. (You might also want to throw in a reason here)."

Cole also doesn't seem to relate to everything previously said. I want to know how he fits in the story beyond giving comfort to Lo. There are a lot of techniques for fitting multiple viewpoints into a query, but a few I've heard of is starting out with both characters early, or just focusing on one character. The transition to Cole was pretty sudden, so one of those methods might work better. You could also just say at the end "Lo's secrets plunge the town into chaos, but at least she'll have her new friend Cole," or something roughly like that.

Just a few suggestions. Good luck!

[Scott]

Interesting premise, but I don't really know what the story is about. I'm not sure what is causing chaos or why Lo feels responsible to stop it. Or what happens if she doesn't stop it. I agree with A56 about Cole's role. Does he also have some ability? Is he only there "to provide comfort?"

As to the query itself. (and this is only my opinion, (so take it for what it's worth) the one line paragraphs don't work for me. It appears to be written this way to increase the drama, but I don't think it works. Unless this is the style of the novel itself, I think the query should reflect your writing style, not try to be a marketing ploy.

The word, inside, after feeling inside, should be struck. And when I read the words, "the only catch is," I expect to know what the catch is. A catch and a price are like a circular definition that doesn't tell me anything. If the catch can't be revealed because it gives away the story, either leave it out or say something like: she can travel between realms–but it's going to cost her. Putting this in its own paragraph gives it an importance it doesn't deserve if you can't say what it is.

Similarly, putting, where ever his home is..., in its own paragraph calls attention to it. He has no intention to stay, be on his way, and home isn't here is all a bit redundant. And after so much emphasis, why would he take a job there? Same with, "or better yet..." sounds dramatic, but doesn't tell me much and doesn't draw me in.

Lastly, 90K may be long, but perfect for a debut in this genre. But the agent knows why you are writing so skip the "seeking rep" and just start with the blurb. I like how your comps imbibe elements of these writers rather than compare your work to specific books. It lets me know what to expect. But this is where everything (but the blurb) should be. Not sure why each paragraph is kept to one sentence. Think about saying more about the Greek Myths and emphasize that the story is complete by dropping the series potential line. That can be true of almost any book and doesn't add any appeal. You have to sell the first book solo.

Hope some of this is helpful.
Cheers!