Beta Reader Group discussion
Covers, Blurbs, 1st Line, Query
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Hello Author56-At the moment, the blurb is a bit long: over 200 words, where you should aim at more like 100-150. (The full Query Letter, including intro and blurb and bio, should be around 250). So I'd see if you can cut it down to around 125.
Agents will look for a clear Motivation, Goal, and Conflict. You have characters (Leona and Detori, and it sounds like their relationship is central). The goal is clear (get Detori out of the camp), but feels incomplete to me. Is getting out of the camp the full story goal? What will happen once she's out? And the motivations are where I have the most questions. What will Detori do once she's out? Won't she just be back where she started? Leona's motivation could also use a bit more oomph: what is the consequence if she doesn't rescue Detori?
A group of evil priests at the monastery are the main conflict (who is standing in their way), except it isn't clear that these same evil priests are the ones running the reeducation camps. I'd recommend giving a more visceral antagonist, or at least, bringing more of the opposition out in the blurb. "heteronormative and xenophobic world" gives me a sense of what they're up against (more than just a minority of priests!) but this is also a broad phrase that has (sadly) applied to most of civilization. One option could be to personify these corrosive traits in one or two antagonists so the conflict is more personal?
For me, the blurb didn't resonate as much because I didn't see the big picture. Do Leona and Detori just want to live out their lives as quiet priests who hide their pasts? Or is there something bigger they aspire to? The blurb at the moment goes into a lot of details about the first part of the story (mechanics of Detori's capture) whereas I'd prefer more hints to the rest of the book. Will they go other places, do other things, defeat greater evils? etc.
My vote would be to strip down the blurb somewhat, give fewer details on Detori's capture and more hints at the broader story Goal (are they fighting to live free where they are? Get to a place that is enlightened? etc), and make the Conflict more personal.
Just my $0.02!
-Alexander
Hi Alexander!Thanks for the feedback. You're definitely right about the length, I'm working on paring it down. However, the main plot of the story is escaping the prison, so there's not much I can add about afterwards. I don't want to give away the ending, and that's the only thing left afterwards. I'm curious what made you think there was more to the story so I can take that out of the query.
Hi A56,I agree with much of what Alexander has written. But if the main plot is escaping from the prison, it follows that that's what the query should tell us. Instead, only the last few lines focus on the escape. I'm also unclear about who's story this is. It's fine if the POV alternates between Detori and Leona, but that choice (and the reason for that choice) should be more clear.
Also, if the story is about the escape, I assume she is taken away fairly early in the story. Like the end of Act I (the point of no return?) If so, how does the tension escalate? If the rise of dramatic action rests on the need to "overcome their greatest fears," you may want to highlight those fear more in the query.
Hope you find this helpful.
Cheers!
Detori is an aromantic refugee in a heteronormative and xenophobic world. She takes the only option left to her, becoming a priest to avoid marriage and hiding her nationality while training.
Leona, tired of her clamorous family and scared of losing a friend, joins her.
The two girls trek to a monastery on the top of Mt. Parbata to learn about priesthood. As they study prayer and holy dances, Detori and Leona face unkind mentors and prejudiced priests. Detori hides her identity to prevent discrimination, revealing it only to a girl who turns out to be from the same country she is.
But some priests at the monastery are part of a conspiracy to imprison everyone from Detori’s country. They overhear Detori talking with her new friend and plant a trap. Soon Detori’s in a prison cart headed towards a reeducation camp.
Leona is devastated when the kidnappers say Detori is dead, until she figures out they're lying. She leaves the monastery to head to the camp and try to rescue her friend.
As Detori searches for means of escape, Leona scours the prison of thousands for her friend. Both have to overcome their greatest fears to find each other and regain Detori’s freedom.