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Covers, Blurbs, 1st Line, Query
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Query for Adult Fantasy
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I really liked the first part. However, the second bit about the crown prince didn't seem connected to the first part, and the transition would be a bit rough. I'd recommend shortening the part that isn't as relevant to the story, or if they're both equally important making the change less jarring. The last part is also a bit confusing. I don't get what's going on with his cousin, or how his beast relates to it. I couldn't really tell what the stakes are. Why is there a danger to his family if he doesn't solve the problem? What part of this problem requires working together with the beast? Maybe focus on that instead of going into detail about how he figures out the problem and why Glymor can't help him.
Hope this helps.
Author56 wrote: "I really liked the first part. However, the second bit about the crown prince didn't seem connected to the first part, and the transition would be a bit rough. I'd recommend shortening the part tha..."Yup, you're totally right. I originally didn't have that last bit in the query but thought it might make things clearer but all I did was prolong it and make it more confusing haha. I might edit this and copy-paste the original query so I could get critique on that. Thanks so much for the feedback!
Hi Tamara,I think this sounds really interesting! I particularly like the opening. However, I think the query is too long. How about something like this:
Dear [AGENT],
Born to royalty and privilege, Armand Valogne wants for nothing in life. Except to control the voice in his head.
He's well aware of his family's history with the Beast—a shadow-like creature that lives in their bodies and speaks in their minds. But Armand refuses to succumb.
Adamant at maintaining control, he trains with Glymor, the only member in the family who formed a genuine bond with his Beast. And the one person Armand admires the most. Glymor teaches trust is the best way to a healthy Valogne-Beast relationship while Armand insists suppressing the voice is the ultimate path to success.
But while Armand navigates his personal struggles, something strange is happening with his cousin, the Crown Prince. He appears ill—listless, pale, prone to rambling to himself, and short of temper. Despite the family's tendency to cower into denial, Armand is convinced the Crown Prince is no longer the cousin he knew and loved.
One by one, Armand witnesses his family succumb to sickness, madness, and murder. It is up to him to find the truth.
Out of options, and with the threat of losing his family, Armand must rely on his Beast to stop the impending danger. Either trust the monster long enough for them to work together or watch his loved ones die.
THE ELDER’S PAWN (114,000 words) is a dual-POV adult fantasy novel set in a world inspired by the dark and gritty aesthetic of the Victorian Era.
Hello Tamara-I'd focus on the length! The full Query Letter (intro, blurb, bio, etc) should be 250 characters or less (fit easily on a single page), and the blurb should be 100-150 words. Your blurb alone is over 320 words.
Overall, I like the theme of the blurb. The background of the world and Armand's problems are pretty clearly conveyed.
There are two Conflicts that I see: Armand resolving control problems with his Beast, and solving the mystery of the Crown Prince. These two Conflicts compete for attention in the blurb. Based on my quick (possibly incorrect) read of the blurb and the narrative, I'd vote for highlighting the mystery with the Crown Prince as the major goal and motivation, with Armand's Beast problems as an important sub-arc (character Need vs Want etc). But whichever you choose, I'd highlight one for the blurb as the central Conflict.
For the Crown Prince mystery, I'd make the Conflict more clear. Ideally, you could name an Antagonist, but since you can't (it's a mystery!), I'd make it clear what the stakes are: Armand must find who is murdering his family before they are invaded by a rival kingdom, etc.
Minor notes:
1. The relationship with Glymor seems important, but maybe not enough for the blurb. You could probably cut that without impacting the blurb at all.
2. "grow weak to their beast" -- I think I understand what this means but the phrasing is a bit awkward. Maybe find another way to say this?
3. "climbed his way onto that list" -- what list? Has he succumbed? However, I think you could condense this more.
4. The Beast inside Armand seems like a major character, but he / she doesn't have a name.
Just my $0.02. Good luck!
-Alexander
Lori wrote: "Hi Tamara,I think this sounds really interesting! I particularly like the opening. However, I think the query is too long. How about something like this:
Dear [AGENT],
Born to royalty and privi..."
Yeah, you're totally right, it's very long haha. Thanks so much for the feedback, and for taking the time to condense it, this will really help in my revisions XD
Alexander wrote: "Hello Tamara-I'd focus on the length! The full Query Letter (intro, blurb, bio, etc) should be 250 characters or less (fit easily on a single page), and the blurb should be 100-150 words. Your bl..."
No, you're totally right, the main conflict is the Crown Prince's strange behavior while the conflict that ties into the MC's development is the whole Beast thing :) it is kind of long and I can totally shorten it, one of the reasons I've included Glymor is because he's the second POV but I didn't want to focus on him too much. For the sake of the blurb, I can omit him or just mention him shortly. Also, the Beast's name is part of the mystery so I can't mention that sadly. But I do get how the reader might wonder about why I haven't included the name haha
Thank you so much for your feedback ^.^
My concern here is the hook and the stakes. Is there a clear hook? Do the stakes/conflict feel personal enough? Any kind of feedback is greatly appreciated. Onto the query!
Dear [AGENT],
Born to royalty and privilege, Armand Valogne wants for nothing in life. Except to control the voice in his head.
He's well aware of his family's history. Very few grow weak to their Beast—a shadow-like creature that lives in a Valogne’s body and speaks in their minds. Even fewer succumb to it.
Armand climbed his way onto that list when he became ‘gifted’ with a Beast who particularly dislikes him. And it's intent on establishing dominance over the body they share.
But Armand refuses to succumb.
Adamant at maintaining control, he trains with Glymor, the only member in the family who formed a genuine bond with his Beast. And the one person Armand admires the most.
Glymor teaches trust is the best way to a healthy Valogne-Beast relationship while Armand insists suppressing the voice is the ultimate path to success.
But while Armand navigates his personal struggles, something strange is happening with his cousin, the Crown Prince. He appears ill—listless, pale, prone to rambling to himself, and short of temper. The prince’s claim is that the weight of responsibility is crushing him. Problem is, stress from the Crown doesn’t make the Beasts attack their hosts. It doesn’t kill servants and leave burn marks on their necks. And it certainly doesn’t cause shadows to swim in the walls and voices to haunt the Valognes wherever they go.
Something else is wrong here. And despite the family's tendency to cower into denial, Armand is convinced the Crown Prince is no longer the cousin he knew and loved. And he is right at the center of the problem.
One by one, Armand witnesses his family succumb to sickness, madness, and murder. It is up to him to find the truth.
Out of options, and with the threat of losing his family, Armand must rely on his Beast to stop the impending danger. Either trust the monster long enough for them to work together or watch his loved ones die.
THE ELDER’S PAWN (114,000 words) is a dual-POV adult fantasy novel set in a world inspired by the dark and gritty aesthetic of the Victorian Era.
[PERSONAL BIO]
Thank you for your time and consideration.