Evie's Writing discussion
Chapter One
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Heyyy. This is coming along!CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM:
- I would ditch the all caps stuff and maybe do italics instead? It just looks better.
- That time when she was talking about how he killed her parents--That was really sudden and it didn't have an impact at the very beginning, so I would wait to reveal that later on.
Great job!
Sofia wrote: "Heyyy. This is coming along!CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM:
- I would ditch the all caps stuff and maybe do italics instead? It just looks better.
- That time when she was talking about how he killed h..."
Okay, fixing it.
Evie wrote: "Sofia wrote: "Heyyy. This is coming along!CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM:
- I would ditch the all caps stuff and maybe do italics instead? It just looks better.
- That time when she was talking about h..."
You're doing great, Evie! I'm excited to see where this goes!
Sofia wrote: "Evie wrote: "Sofia wrote: "Heyyy. This is coming along!CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM:
- I would ditch the all caps stuff and maybe do italics instead? It just looks better.
- That time when she was ta..."
Thanksss! :)
Haha, it's really good! I love the detail to everything, and I have no critiques, honestly.
Danielle wrote: "Haha, it's really good! I love the detail to everything, and I have no critiques, honestly."Thank youuuuu! :)
This is looking really good so far!!Feedback:
-On the first line of dialogue you wrote, I think that there should be a comma between "somewhere" and "you." It might make it flow better.
-There are a few punctuation errors, but you can always fix those later.
-Evangeline asked him for the information, and they exchanged a few insults before moving on. Did you do that on purpose? If not, it might be good to clarify why they just walked off like that.
Otherwise, it's really good!
✰Ayla✰ wrote: "This is looking really good so far!!Feedback:
-On the first line of dialogue you wrote, I think that there should be a comma between "somewhere" and "you." It might make it flow better.
-There ar..."
Fixed the comma, and no, I didn't mean to skip the information bit- fixed. Thank youu!
Okayyyy so here's my feedback. I think the first thing is YOU KNOW I LOVE YOU, SO IF THIS COMES OUT AS HARSH JUST KNOW THAT.1. The first thing you should try attacking is your punctuation. One or two mistakes is fine, but if you have quite a few then it looks bad and turns off your reader.
2. The banter. I LOVE THE BANTER!!!!! OHMYGOD LITERALLY. I LIVE FOR THE BANTER. I WANT MORE BANTER.
3. I got a little lost with the characters. You just kinda threw a lot of new characters in the reader's face and I'm a little lost. By the end of the chapter, I can't remember anyone's name. Again, since the chapter is really short, maybe you can make it longer by adding character details. I don't know anything about anyone except that they might be friends.
4. I agree with what Sofia said. The murdering parents thing, it's a lovely twist. It makes the reader interested. But at the same time, it's a little too soon. Maybe you can introduce that a little later.
But so far so good!!!! I can't wait to see where you take it.
Evie wrote: "✰Ayla✰ wrote: "This is looking really good so far!!Feedback:
-On the first line of dialogue you wrote, I think that there should be a comma between "somewhere" and "you." It might make it flow be..."
Of course!! It's great so far.
Hello!! I just read this and your prologue and I like it! I don't have much to add since these geniuses pretty much said it all, but I'm excited to see more!
andrea wrote: "Hello!! I just read this and your prologue and I like it! I don't have much to add since these geniuses pretty much said it all, but I'm excited to see more!"Okayy, thanks!
Chapter One: Evangeline
The foggy air swirled around Evangeline, making it hard to see. Brick buildings climbed high into the sky, creating a quite mysterious setting.
“Ramos? I know you’re hiding there somewhere, you melodramatic moron.” She could tell he was rolling his eyes. He stepped out of the fog.
“Oh, fine. Hello, Eva. Long time no see.” Now it was her turn to roll her eyes.
“Come on. I saw you yesterday, and you know it. Now cut this shit out and tell me where I can find Laurent.”
“How quickly you underestimate our love.” This was starting to get annoying.
“Ramos Aldertrya, just give me the damn information. You know why I need this. You also know who this guy is, and that he’s a threat to both of our lives.” Ramos looked affronted.
“Yes I do. I also know that you need to stop acting like you have a permanent stick up your ass.” Evangeline’s jaw dropped.
“Don’t even start.” She said, shadows swirling out of the fog. Ramos just grinned, a ball of light already by his side.
"You never could beat me, dear sister."
"I've been practicing." Evangeline gritted out.
"Fine. Elpida said that he was currently at his plant in Saravida."
"Thank you."
They began to walk, the landscape slowly changing until they were in front of an old abandoned power plant. It was in shambles, ivy growing off the walls, and the roof caving in. Stepping inside, Evangeline called out “We're home. Come on, guys.” The words bounced off the metal walls, and several annoyed teens came racing down an old staircase.
“Hey, Elpida."
"Elpida, we're home!" Ramos yelled.
“Eva…” Ramos said. “We have a visitor”
She turned around to face the horrid smile of Laurent Piazzina.