Query for low fantasy novel

[Virginia]

Any feedback would be appreciated. I'm having trouble succinctly summarizing that the Raven is telling Harlan something different than mainstream religious teachings. It's difficult to explain what's going on without getting into too many details about world-building and lore.

Dear Ms/Mr Agent

I am seeking representation for The Raven’s Song, a low fantasy novel of 96,000 words.

Overwhelmed and homesick, all Harlan wants is to go home, back to his small town and his big family. He would give back the magic if he could, but that’s impossible. And now he’s off to university to get an education he doesn’t want about magic that he didn’t ask for. As he starts to seriously consider whether failing on purpose is worth his family’s disappointment, another student, Lily, offers to help him. As they study in the library, they learn of the head librarian’s plan to destroy the city by summoning an ancient deity named the Raven.

Since beginning university, Harlan’s dreams have been haunted by the Raven, a woman in black begging him to set her free from her prison. She tells him that the predominant religious lore is wrong and that she doesn’t want to destroy the world, only to be reunited with her love. Now Harlan must make a decision: does he believe traditional lore or the woman from his dreams? After all, a caged bird singing her innocence is a song as old as prison itself.

I am a graduate from (a university) with a Bachelor’s in History. Currently, I’m working as a lunch lady, but have always enjoyed the process of creative writing and have written on and off since high school. This is my fourth novel-length manuscript, but the first work I have felt was strong enough to seek representation for. I self-published the other three, which was a learning experience, but not much more than that.

Thank you for your consideration,

[Alexander]

Hello Virginia-

First of all, I love the idea! The idea of someone who has to go to a school of magic and hates it etc.

I like that your blurb is accessible (doesn't introduce a bunch of new terms/concepts) and seems to have the voice of the protagonist.

My quick thoughts and (possibly wrong!) opinions on your blurb (just the blurb on the book, not the rest of the letter):

1. It is a bit long (around 180 words). 100-150 words is the recommendation. So when you edit, try to cut the size a bit. Ideally, the whole query can fit on a single printed page.

2. You'll want Harlan's GMC (goal, motivation, conflict) to be super clear and succinct. The goal (make a decision) seems a bit muted, and I don't understand his motivation. WHY does he want to decide? And the conflict is hinted but not clear. Is the Librarian the big baddy? I'm guessing there is more to Harlan's role than just deciding. Does he have to do something? Face someone? Fight? I'd vote for making his goal more physical (ideally someone could take a picture of him doing whatever it was, and not just a picture of him making a decision), give the motivation (he wants to do it for love? For personal ambition? Because then he can leave the school? etc), and also show Conflict. Who will try to stop him from reaching his Goal?

3. The parallel plot lines (not liking school, homesick, considering failing on purpose vs. mysterious Raven) seem unrelated. Since the Raven plotline is the major conflict, I'd cut back mention of the homesick plotline, or find a way to connect it better to the Raven plotline. (I like the idea of keeping in "Harlan hates school" but at the moment it felt like a confusing jump to talk about the Raven).

4. Lily is introduced briefly but doesn't factor into the rest of the blurb. Can probably remove mention of her altogether.

5. For an intro blurb, you probably want to give a hint of the Inciting Incident, but don't need to go into too much detail. You don't need to mention the library, but maybe just say "Harlan discovers that a shadowy member of faculty is going to summon the Raven and destroy the entire city" (well, you can say it better than I).

6. "religious lore" and "traditional lore" are a bit confusing (are they the same? different?) and maybe unnecessary. And "lore" can (IMHO) carry connotations of "info dump." Maybe just say myth or legend?

7. Most of the energy of the blurb (and book) seems to be about the Raven and her past, so I'd re-cast the blurb around that plot, even opening with that vs. the homesickness.

8. I'd remove the sentence about the caged bird since the blurb already hints there is tension around whether the legends are true or not.

9. [okay, this isn't about the blurb, but about the query letter]. I'd keep the first sentence and a half of the "about you paragraph," but drop "...and have written on and off..." and everything after that. Instead, maybe just say "Over the past five years I've self-published three novels." (or however many years it has been, etc)

Anyway, just my thoughts. Good luck!

-Alexander

[Virginia]

Thank you for your feedback. I'm on my phone right now so I can't respond to all of this, but I will say. I could just focus on Harlan being away from home and see how that goes for the next draft. I know that it's a little disjointed right now because the book has a layered plot that all comes together at the end. So trying to include the main plot might actually be unnecessary. I could probably just focus on the initial conflict: Harlan not wanting anything to do with his magic and it would be enough of a hook.

Lily is the other POV character and her chapter comes before Harlan's, so I thought it might be a little weird to have the query be Harlan does xyz, but then the first chapter be an different character's POV. I can easily leave her out and save some words, I just didn't want the query to feel like a bait and switch.