Blurb Help - sci-fi, No name yet

[Jay]

Gary Niles planned nothing more than what any lawyer might do on a Saturday morning: a bit of shopping, followed by a round of golf.

His day didn’t include meeting two tiny women with oddball powers like levitating pizza and delivering static shocks.

He never intended to jump from world to world, interfere with a very foreign government, or, tunnel into a prison to save a pretty lady scientist. He especially didn’t expect to learn how to fwoosh.

But Gary wasn’t careful when he pulled the shopping cart free of its mates, and backed into Vaire, a beautiful, exciting, and tiny oddball. And he certainly wasn’t expecting Sela, one inch taller, smart, focused, and just as beautiful.

Ignoring one such woman in trouble would be hard. Two? Impossible for someone like Gary.

Though if he knew what he was about to get into, he just might have walked away.

[Faith]

Hi Jay. This might be an overstatement but the potential reader might conclude from this blurb that they don't need to read the book because you've already told them everything that's going to happen. Could it echo the tone of the book but be less specific?

[M.L.]

I like the first two paragraphs. Then in the third we have a 'pretty' lady scientist and the fourth paragraph has 'beautiful' twice. I would suggest leaving those out otherwise it's like sexist because Gary gets by on just being Gary, a lawyer who golfs (he's not called 'handsome' and if he were it would sound kind of corny).

As far as the third paragraph in general, I think it could be left out and jump to the fourth. That is different, pulling a shopping cart out and bumping into two powerful oddballs. He can't help being drawn into the adventure, etc.

If you do keep the part about the scientist, is she an epidemiologist, physicist, zoologist? It's good to specify. Same with the lawyer, what kind of law?

[Ian]

My biggest concern is it is too disjoint. It needs to flow, not jump all over the place like a hyperactive flea. I would try to start with the material of para 4, because I think that is where the story starts, and I wouldn't say he was not careful. Be realistic - how many people expect to run over "tiny people" with a shopping cart? Be a little more specific about this incident, and give only slight hints of troubles to come.

[Dwayne, Head of Lettuce]

Gary Niles planned nothing more than what any lawyer might do on a Saturday morning: a bit of shopping, followed by a round of golf.

Probably more of a personal pet peeve, but I'm not crazy about blurbs that start with "so-and-so is your average, run-of-the-mill, etc."

His day didn’t include meeting two tiny women with oddball powers like levitating pizza and delivering static shocks.

Probably not. Seems unnecessary to point out he wasn't expecting this.

He never intended to jump from world to world, interfere with a very foreign government, or, tunnel into a prison to save a pretty lady scientist. He especially didn’t expect to learn how to fwoosh.

Some nitpicks: Either a government is foreign or its not. "Very" is superfluous. "Pretty lady scientist" sounds dated and sexist. Who finds her to be pretty and is it that important to the story? If this is science fiction, it might help to hone in on what kind of scientist she is. I don't know what it is to fwoosh. I'm guessing it only makes sense in the context of your story, which I don't know, yet.

But Gary wasn’t careful when he pulled the shopping cart free of its mates, and backed into Vaire, a beautiful, exciting, and tiny oddball. And he certainly wasn’t expecting Sela, one inch taller, smart, focused, and just as beautiful.

You've already indicated the oddball is tiny, though not how tiny. Knowing the other is an inch smaller means nothing. We do get it by now, too, that Gary was intending to go golfing, not to run into oddballs. We don't know what oddballs are, though. "Just as beautiful" as what? The other beautiful oddball? Since we don't know what oddballs actually are, it's hard to envision what a beautiful one looks like.

Ignoring one such woman in trouble would be hard. Two? Impossible for someone like Gary.

What kind of trouble? Why would it be hard to ignore them? Why impossible for Gary?

Though if he knew what he was about to get into, he just might have walked away.

Because this wasn't what he planned to do that day. Yep. We get it.

Overall it sounds like it could be cute story with all the levitating pizza and static shocks. There's a promise of some adventures in world hopping and such, too. But it seems too focused on Gary running into whatever they are and not enough on what makes the books truly interesting or entertaining. What is at stake? What do the oddballs want? What will Gary gain in doing whatever it is they want him to do?