Query for YA Fantasy

[Nastasia]

Hi all,
This is my very first draft of an agent query letter, I've never done one before.. so just looking for a bit of feedback on the blurb part of it?
I'll of course add in the 'Dear agent', wordcount, name etc, but just looking for feedback on this part. Thank you :)

Zola thought she knew everything about her grandfather, until he passes away and she is kidnapped by the sovereign. There, she comes face to face with the personable King Lucan, who claims her to be his long-lost niece. As Zola unravels the secrets of her Grandfather’s magical, yet tormented past, and navigates her grief, she wonders if she ever really knew him at all.

While Zola starts to live a life of luxury in the palace, the underground rebel group known as ‘The Kasi’ is planning her rescue. But does Zola want to be saved? And what do the infamous rebels want with her? Led by Arkyn, the powerful captain of the faction of Magikshi, the colourful cast will change Zola’s life in ways she never could have imagined.

As Zola’s story unravels, so does that of her grandmother, Mika, sixty years prior. When a falling star leads to an encounter with a prince-on-the-run, Mika must decide if she stays true to her rebel alliance or risk everything she’s worked for in order to help him.
The parallels of Zola and Mika’s lives become entwined, forcing them both to face truths they may not be ready to accept.

[Alexander]

Hello Nastasia-

I'm not (yet?) a published author, so take my advice with a grain of salt. But here's what I've learned so far.

First, I'd see if you can cut the word count in half. At the moment, you are near 200 words, while the recommended range is 100-150. Push for the lower end! You want it to be short and punchy. For example, Mika's role could maybe be reduced in the blurb (your call).

What is the one-sentence hook? This is the sentence that quickly describes the main character (MC), the problem, and the stakes. The one thing I see again and again is agents rejecting while saying: "I didn't know the main character or the stakes." The MC, their plight and the stakes should be clear early.

In the blurb, you can get away with only naming the MC, and maybe one other (for instance, the primary antagonist). You've got 4 people named, I'd cut it to two at most. And likewise, some of the terms ("Kasi", "Magikshi") will be new to the reader and you don't want to spend valuable words describing them. You could describe those more generally (for example, just saying "rebel group" without introducing "Kasi" could save you words and keep it easier to follow for new readers).

Summary: shorter, punchier, get the hook in there.

Also: the overall story sounds interesting! I think you can get it to a shorter version that will hook agents.

Some of my favorite Query Letter links:
https://nathanbransford.com/blog/2008...
https://www.janefriedman.com/query-le...

Good luck!

-Alexander

[Nastasia]

Alexander wrote: "Hello Nastasia-

I'm not (yet?) a published author, so take my advice with a grain of salt. But here's what I've learned so far.

First, I'd see if you can cut the word count in half. At the moment..."

Hi Alexander,
Thank you so much for your feedback, it is very helpful; and for the links! I will definitely peruse those!
I've had feedback pretty much spot on for what you say, so I am definitely trying to condense it to really get that 'hook' line in there. I'm glad you think the premise sounds good though.
I think one thing I've been struggling with is knowing how much the agent wants to know at this point. But I believe if it hooks them, then they'll ask for the more detailed synopsis with the main conflict areas described.
Would love to get your insight again when I've re-worked it :)