How to talk to people about your books without sounding pushy?

[T.K.]

I hope this is in the right subforum--I think it could be considered a valuable marketing tactic to know how to discuss your books in casual conversation in a way that makes them sound interesting, but does not make it sound like you are expecting the other person to buy your books, which instantly puts off most people to both your books and you as a person.

Does anyone have any tips for this?

As a bit of background, some years back I was friends with an author who was really, really pushy about her books. They were all she wanted to talk about. She kept asking me to read them and then kept asking me why I hadn't read them. When I didn't buy them fast enough, she sent me free (unsolicited) copies and reminded me to leave reviews. She gave me copies of her books' "business cards" to hand out to other people.

Needless to say, it was a stressful experience and I am not friends with her anymore. But it's also made me really, really reluctant to even bring up my books or my writing career in conversations with other people, because I'm worried I won't know where to draw the line. If I act enthusiastic about what I've been writing (because I am enthusiastic about it), will I come across as overbearing? When people find out that I write and ask me what my books are about, do they really want to know anything deeper than the genre? If someone does read one of my books and says that they liked it, does that give me the right to let them know that I've written more books that they might like as well?

I don't ever want to become someone who sees my social contacts as mere business opportunities, but it's gotten to the point where most people don't even know I'm a writer, even though that is a huge part of my life and what I do on a daily basis. I think maybe I've gone too far in the opposite direction and I'd like to find the happy medium. Thoughts?

[Tomas, Wandering dreamer]

This is a hard topic. I rarely speak about my writing with other people, and if I do, it's mostly a cryptic mention that I'm doing something, and I never offer anything - unless they'd ask.
Then, maybe the thing is that I live in a country that doesn't speak English while writing in English myself, which walls a lot of people off right on the start...

[Gail]

Hi T.K. I feel your pain. I know social media/friends/family all play a significant part in book promotion...and the more social media connections you have does determine greater success. I only post book sales, new releases and giveaways on FB to friends and fellow authors I've friended. But, I do see that the other authors are posting way more frequently, like every few days...different images, etc. I'm not so inclined, although probably should be.

I don't talk about my books to my friends in person very often unless they initiate it. They know I'm a writer and they see (and 'like') my book posts on FB and some continue buying and reading them. But in my opinion, although our writing is so much a part of our lives, it's like any other subject discussed in person or on the phone. Going on and on about the kids or the cat or your in-laws grows weary for the listener after awhile until they tune out

So, while you absolutely should let all your friends and loved ones know about your writing for sure...just temper it with consideration. And boost your social media more!

[Dwayne, Head of Lettuce]

Think of it this way: The people you know, no doubt, talk to you about their children, their pets, their home projects, their vacations, their illnesses, and any other part of their lives they think you might find interesting. Why should we, as writers, be afraid to talk about this one aspect of our lives? We shouldn't. So, talk away, like you would about your job or any other hobby you have. After all, for most of us, writing is a job or a hobby or both.

Draw the line at mentioning your book is available on X_____ website and costs $_.__ and you can give them a free copy if they want and you really want them to leave a review, and so on. To me, that's where people get pushy. If anyone wants to know the details on how they can find your book, they'll ask.

I'm pretty casual about how I slip it into conversation. If a coworker asks, "What did you do this weekend?" I'll usually reply with something like, "Oh, I did some writing, took my wife out to eat, took a long drive, played with the dogs..." And their follow up questions will tell me if they want me to go on about the writing, or maybe they'd rather know where I ate and how good it was.

On Facebook I post bits of my writing once in a great while or maybe a cover concept I'm messing with or something, but rarely talk about where to go to buy my books. If people want to know, they'll ask.

[Leah]

Personally, I don’t think it’s useful to hold high expectations of friends and family when it comes to our books. I’ve always provided free paperback copies to my family and friends as gifts without asking them to read and review. I think friends and family should not feel pressured to evaluate our work, because their reviews will not likely be entirely honest anyway. It’s not difficult to find these types of 5 star reviews on Amazon, and I’ve heard they are taken down anyway if they are discovered. And pressuring friends and family makes me feel uncomfortable, especially if they don’t like my stories lol. I feel what's most rewarding for me as an author is the honest reviews from readers who took an interest in my books and reviewed after coming across my books on their own or seeing an ad. I focus on them while marketing and seeking reviews, the people who take interest in my stories and read and review as a pastime. I never use the talk-about-my-book method to my friends and family. I just hand out books as gifts and leave it at that. People tend not to want to be under pressure.

[Leah]

I also wanted to add that I’ve never wanted people who aren’t interested in my stories on their own to read and critique. If they don’t have an organic interest in the story itself, the review won’t likely be true. They would solely be reviewing/critiquing as a favor, not out of will, and this type of review doesn’t really feel real to me, nor does it give me any sense of accomplishment.

[Dwayne, Head of Lettuce]

Great points about asking friends and family to do reviews, Leah.

[Leah]

Thanks, Dwayne.

[T.K.]

Thanks for the insights, everybody! Great stuff to think about.

I agree, Leah, I'd never ask people to read my books just to review them. I don't like insincere, doing-this-as-a-favor reviews either. That was what I felt pressured into in the situation I described above. I ended up giving all this person's books some flowery, praise-filled 5-star reviews... when I actually hated them and was just trying to be nice and support a fellow indie author. Eventually, I got to a point where I decided trying to boost someone's ego wasn't worth being dishonest over, and I deleted my reviews because they simply weren't an accurate reflection of how I felt about the books. (They had plenty of reviews already, so it wasn't like mine made much of an overall impact anyway.)

I appreciate all of the reviews I've gotten on my books, because they're all organic. Most of them actually are from people I know in real life, but they reviewed on their own, without me asking (some of them are my editors and beta readers). A handful of sincere reviews by people who felt strongly enough about the book to leave feedback means much more to me than dozens of insincere solicited reviews.

I also appreciate the comments about treating writing as just another conversational topic. It makes sense to go along with the other person's cues about what they want to keep talking about. I've talked to people who got very excited when they learned I'm a writer, and I've actually gained some new readers that way (and I don't think I did anything to push my books on them), so maybe that's not something I should be feeling so guilty about. On the other hand, I've talked to plenty of people who don't want to pursue the topic much, and that's perfectly okay. There are plenty of things I'm not very interested in and wouldn't want to spend a lot of time on in a conversation, so I like to extend that courtesy to other people as well.

[Peter]

Thank you everyone for your valuable contributions to this important topic. Since this question is also important to me and I have given it considerable thought, I wanted to add my perspective and a petition for help.

As a guide for my own conduct, I use my own reactions when my friends tell me about their books. First of all, it’s important to note that I want to read books my friends have written. Even if their stories are in a genre I don’t normally read, a book gives me insights that I might not get even after years of interaction.

However, I am also concerned, as T.K. indicated, by marketing approaches that become intrusive. I don’t mind, indeed I expect, authors to use approaches that give me the option to read or ignore the information (such as Facebook, Twitter posts, website links on emails). These offerings only become a nuisance if they are so frequent that they take up a significant fraction of my notification feed.

So how do I handle book conversations with friends and acquaintances? I am frequently asked what I do in conversation with new acquaintances. I tell them I’m a novelist. I am usually asked what I write and I indicate Science Fiction and Fantasy. At that point I try to turn the conversation to them without deliberately changing the subject. I might ask, for example, what they like to read.

I bring this up to indicate a problem I sometimes encounter in these kinds of conversations. Sometimes people ask where to get my books and indicate that they want to buy one. When I hear this I assume it is well-meant “polite fiction” and I do not take it as a promise. I’m sure they’re sincere but this purchase may be item #139 on their daily “to do” list and they’ll likely never get to it.

However, if I meet them months later they sometimes remember their statement and seem compelled to apologize for not having purchased my book. I try to tell them they don’t have to read my books to be my friend, indeed their friendship is much more important to me than any book sale. Yet, I find this a difficult message to convey. I’m trying to think why it’s difficult. I guess I worry that it may come across that I’m offering forgiveness when I’m actually trying to communicate “there’s nothing to forgive.” If you have experienced this and have a way of communicating the correct message, I’d be grateful if you would share it.

[T.K.]

Thanks for your insights, Peter! I appreciate your input. I like your idea to turn the conversation to the other person. I've heard that is a polite thing to do in conversation in general, to not make it seem like it's all about you. And by doing so but sticking with the subject of books, it sounds like you're indicating to the other person that they're free to take the conversation where they want, which is always appreciated.

I've actually experienced the same problem as you're describing, so I hear you there. I have many acquaintances in my social circles who are not avid fans of my genre, but have bought or wanted to buy my books just to support me (of their own volition, I must add). It's a kind, generous gesture that I appreciate, but I also have some of them later apologizing to me for not getting around to buying a book.

I usually say something along the lines of "don't worry about it". You're right, there is nothing to forgive, and in my mind it's a non-issue. It certainly does not impact our friendship any.

That isn't to say that my words always help the other person feel better about the situation. But I think what's happening is that they are making it an issue in their own mind, and unless they re-frame the situation, there isn't much we can do or say to change how they view it. There are people out there who are just super nice and love to do things for others, to the point where they feel terrible if they think they've let anyone down in any way, regardless of the reality of the situation. (I know this because I am guilty of this as well, and it's something I'm still trying to work on.)

Also, some people might just be insecure about their friendships, and truly believe (in spite of evidence to the contrary, due to cognitive distortions) that their friendship with you is based on how useful they are to you, not how much you value them as a person. It's very difficult to talk a person out of thinking like that, especially within a single conversation.

What I'm trying to get at is, yes, it's stressful and awkward when someone expresses guilt over not buying a book you never asked them to buy in the first place. But in my opinion, if they were the one who said they would buy it without you asking them to, they set up that expectation for themselves, so they only have themselves to apologize to if they fail to meet it.

[Peter]

Thank you for the insightful response, T.K. I particularly appreciated your point about giving them the freedom to re-frame the situation for themselves.

[Phillip]

What sucks about this topic is when I need a pick me up/pep talk. Right now, I'm in a down place with my writing. I'd like to vent to people (because writing is such an important part of me), but most of my friends and family haven't read my stuff. I usually steer the topic away from my books, but since I do, I don't know how to say I need support without it sound accusatory. It's hard to say "stay in there" when you haven't read the material, so I'm afraid it will make people uncomfortable. For those who have read my stuff, I don't want to get the "not this again" eyeroll. It leads to a lot of internalizing when I allow my personal criticism to seep in.

Do any of you have any suggestions on this branch for the above topic? Is it possible to get a pep talk without talking about the root of the depression?

[Peter]

Phillip wrote: "What sucks about this topic is when I need a pick me up/pep talk. Right now, I'm in a down place with my writing. I'd like to vent to people (because writing is such an important part of me), but m..."

Phillip, I can't answer your question directly because I have not identified a fellow writer to give me "a pep talk" as you put it. I think it has to be a fellow writer because only another author can see writer's despondency from the inside of the craft and they know enough about good writing to be a genuine encouragement.

However, keeping a Word document as an encouragement file right in the directory with my current drafts works for me. This file records all the encouraging phrases, reviews, and verbal comments I have received on my writing. I go back and read that document when I need a pep talk. I hope this is useful.

[Tomas, Wandering dreamer]

Phillip wrote: "What sucks about this topic is when I need a pick me up/pep talk."

I can see that - as someone who has kept my writing a secret for a long time (and still does, to some degree), not having anyone to talk with about this sucks a lot.
In this, I guess the best case scenario would be some long-distance friendship with some of your betas to share your burdens.

[T.K.]

Philip, I'm so sorry to hear you're having a hard time right now! Writing discouragement is really tough, I hear you. I've been there. And I also know how frustrating it is when you need to vent but don't want to overwhelm people.

I like the input shared by Peter and Tomas. (I think I need an encouragement file for myself now!) I have a few suggestions:

- Find at least one person in your "writing circle" who doesn't mind hearing you vent and is good at providing emotional support. This could be a beta reader, an editor, someone in your writing club, etc. Basically someone who is familiar with your writing, and also likes it (and likes you) enough to want to be there for you when you're feeling down about your writing. My story editor is my go-to person for this. She never makes me feel bad about venting, she loves my work so she always has something positive to say about it even when it needs polishing, and she often has valuable insights about my quandaries from her own experience. I'm so grateful to have her helping me with my work.

- Find a community (here on GoodReads or elsewhere) focused on giving authors emotional support. Writing is very mentally and emotionally taxing (as you know full well), and I imagine there must be places on the Internet devoted to helping writers through times of discouragement, where they are free to vent and ask for help.

- Find a non-writing-focused emotional support venue. In my research into mental health, I've found that even if the person you're venting to doesn't fully understand what you're going through, just feeling like someone validates how you are feeling can be extremely therapeutic and can help you move forward. You can check to see if your area has any resources for mental health support that would fit your situation. For example, the state of California has a free emotional support "warm line" where Californians can briefly chat with trained counselors about anything they're stressed about.

It really does work wonders to be able to talk to someone about your problems and feel heard. Knowing how to support someone emotionally is definitely not something that comes naturally to everybody, even people you have close relationships with such as friends and family. However, I've found that people who are very good at emotional support have a knack for knowing what to say to help people feel better, even if they aren't super familiar with what the person is going through. So just keep looking around for resources that will help you connect with that emotional support you need, because it is a valid need.

And know that I'm rooting for you, and you can get through this! I heard once that when you're in a slump, it's because there's just some things you need to work out so you can be even better than you were before, and I think that's true.

[Tomas, Wandering dreamer]

I don't know if I am the only one with this issue, but I am really afraid to talk to my family about the fact I write. So far, only two of my relatives know (my sister, who I told two years in, and my mother, who I told 4y8m in). Mostly because I'm not sure I'd be able to put in a way that wouldn't lead to unrealistic expectations (which I fear way more than any form of disapproval).

Which is why having someone to talk to, someone who is also a writer, is so important - they know the specifics of such a hobby with both the good and the bad parts.

[T.K.]

Tomas, if this helps any, I see absolutely nothing wrong with not wanting to tell your family that you write. If there's a segment of your social circles that you just aren't comfortable talking about your writing with, that is completely okay. It sounds like you wouldn't expect it to go well, so I say, listen to your gut. The same would go for any other subject. It's good to have an intuition for what subject matter will and won't go over well with a certain social group or individual.

I have relatives who know that I write, but I don't particularly like talking to them about it because they can be kind of awkward about it (telling me to remember them when I'm famous, asking if I based any characters off of them, saying they could never write a novel, etc.). I would imagine that family members having unrealistic expectations about your writing would be very stressful, so good job saving yourself the headache.

[W.L.]

When someone asks what I do and I say I'm a writer I always see that face that says they think I'm going to pitch them to read one of my novels. My response to it is always the same, I say don't worry I'm don't ask anyone to read my novels I've written too much for anyone to read it all. It always cuts the ice and leads to a good time. I don't bring up that I write scripts too because then they always assume a movie has been made and start asking about it. Someday maybe, just not yet, I'm working on it still.

[T.K.]

Yes, I think it's always such a relief to people when writers aren't pushy! I definitely have a better time talking with writers when I don't get an underlying sense of them trying to sell their books to me.

And I wish you the best with your scripts!

[Wanjiru]

I hardly ask people to buy my books, and I never, ever ask authors to do so (although some have bought on their own accord.) However, I have no problem saying what I do if a person asks me. If they ask me what I write, I have a short spill I give them. and on request, I refer them to my website or give them a card if they ask for my contact.

For reviews, I write a short caption and ask a reader to write a review and the reason why. I also include images of my previous books and a short synopsis of each. And I have a mailing list I email updates once in a long while

My family is a lost course.

[Tomas, Wandering dreamer]

Just now as I'm preparing to release my debut, I've been giving an ARC to my betas and some of my gamer friends who supported me. One of the declined, saying she'll rather buy it to support me - which gave me quite the mixed feelings: on one hand, it shows she trusts my skills, on the other, it feels weird (maybe even wrong) to take money from friends, even if it's just $3.
Am I just overthinking this...?

[B.A.]

I guess I'm lucky. I have a best friend who is also my partner who lets me vent, gives me good feedback and doesn't complain when I work long hours on writing a book.

I agree, you need someone to talk to who understands your frustrations and allows you to just vent without a whole lot of suggestions on how to 'fix' it. I'm one of those whose venting is just to get it out of my system so I can move forward.

If you can't find anyone, then use your phone or a test to speech to vocalize your frustrations. Let it sit for a day or two and play it back. (I did this before I met my soulmate) You'll frequently understand what happened and how to fix it when you hear it as if someone was venting to you. The issues pop out while listening. I still do that at times just to get a handle on what I'm finding frustrating at the moment.

[T.K.]

Tomas, with all due respect, yes, you are overthinking it. :)

It's wonderfully generous of you to want to distribute free copies to your beta readers and friends. But it sounds like one of your friends is just as generous and doesn't like the idea of not paying for someone's hard work.

I have family members who refuse to let me give them my books for free, so I've learned to accept that many people who really like your writing also want to make sure they're supporting you by paying their fair share for it.

And those are some good suggestions, B.A.! Getting things off your chest is so good for the soul. If you can't find someone helpful to vent to, you can at least be a good listener to yourself.