Query for YA Fantasy

[matthew]

Hello, I have finished my book and going through edits/betas. I also figured it was time to try and write a query. I have been reading through query shark and other sites, but the best way to learn is to write one and get direct feedback. My query is below:


Dear (agent),

The trees grow a kilometer high. The city rests in the canopy and Runa is trapped at the bottom with no hope of rescue. She had always dreamed of the forest, but not like this.

Long ago, her people raised their civilization into the branches, hoping to avoid the monsters and untamed magic which dwelt below. They had avoided the bottom ever since. Funny, since it was exactly two things that had drawn Runa to the forest in the first place.

But now she will learn the difference between childish fantasies and reality.

It is time for Runa to stop playing and stop dreaming. There are only two things to do: survive and find a way home.

Runa in the forest is a YA Fantasy that is 85,000 words long.

Thank you for your consideration.

[Rae]

Hello, Matthew. My name is Rae and I will be your Query Shark today. (haha) My advice is just as honest. But hopefully helpful.
First of all your query is too short. Queries are between 200-300 words. USE THEM! This is a chance to show off how great your book is to an agent. Use those words. Lets get started.


Dear (agent),

The trees grow a kilometre high. (What trees? This is where you need to add your hooky first sentence that grabs the agent.)

The city rests in the canopy (What city? A name would be good. Tell me about your world. Give me an idea of where and when this is set.)

and Runa is trapped at the bottom with no hope of rescue. (Trapped at the bottom of what? why doesn't she have any hope of rescue? A little elaboration will give me an idea of the stakes Runa is faced with.)

She had always dreamed of the forest, but not like this. (Okay, I'm confused. Dreamed of the forest how? Doesn't she live in the city in the forest? Why has she always dreamed of it?)

Long ago, her people raised their civilization into the branches, (Good, world building begins... ) hoping to avoid the monsters and untamed magic which dwelt below. (Yes! Finally I understand. This is where your query needs to start. I know what's going on now.)

They had avoided the bottom ever since. Funny, since it was exactly two things that had drawn Runa to the forest in the first place. (Does she have a death wish?)

But now she will learn the difference between childish fantasies and reality. (I should say so! Monsters eat people, right?)

It is time for Runa to stop playing and stop dreaming. There are only two things to do: survive and find a way home.

(Okay, this is good but the stakes are weak. I feel like you're holding back on the big juicy details and you only included the bare-bones of the book. Add more details. Add more world building. Other than that, the idea is intriguing and I would read more. Please don't take offence to my brutal honest. I want your query to be the best that is can. Think of me as a scolding teacher, pushing you to do more. Hope this has helped. I would love to read the reviewed and edited version. Best wishes. Rae. )

Runa in the forest is a YA Fantasy that is 85,000 words long.

Thank you for your consideration. - (Short, sweet and too the point.)

[matthew]

Rae wrote: "Hello, Matthew. My name is Rae and I will be your Query Shark today. (haha) My advice is just as honest. But hopefully helpful.
First of all your query is too short. Queries are between 200-300 wor..."


Thanks for the feedback. Don't worry about being harsh, I really have zero idea how to write a query. And although I've read through query shark quite a bit, this is my first real attempt at one.

Do you have any suggestions on how to sell a low-stakes fantasy? Like, the stakes aren't saving the world, but the main character saving herself.
I've written it as a coming of age tale of realizing the world isn't what we hoped it would be, but there is still beauty to find.

Thank you again for your comments.