The Boogaloo and You - Chapter One - part 2

[M.L.]

Here is the conclusion of Chapter One...

Party over and the house empty, Max fished through a tackle box filled with antibiotics, gauze and bandages. He slathered antibiotic gel on Alistair’s scraped shin. "Sorry man," Max apologized. "It was just a test."

Alistair looked up. “A test?”

Max pulled what looked like a walkie-talkie with four antennas out of his pocket. "Cell phone jammer." He said. "I had Sparkplug unhook everybody's car batteries, flip the main breaker in the fuse box then come in with that story."

Alistair blinked. "Why?"

"You never know a person's true character until you see how they handle crisis." He explained. "You saw what happened tonight. When the world really does shit the bed, people are gonna be scalping each other over Corn-nuts. You gotta figure out who you can trust, who'll rise to the occasion, and who's gonna run off screaming into the woods."

He finished wrapping up Alistair’s wounded leg. Alistair stood up and put some weight on it. He winced.

“I'm trying to find my ten." Max said. “If things go to hell, it’ll be just about impossible to survive on your own. I need a team of like-minded people to help me get through it.”

Alistair stared at the floor for a second. He wondered what he would do if there was a major catastrophe. He didn't have a clue. “Could you teach me?" He asked. "You know, how to do all that stuff?"

Max studied Alistair for a second. The kid was pathetic. He’d be an easy target if things went south. One thing about Max though, he was a sucker for an underdog. Max nodded. “Yeah man, I'm down. Hell, I’ll turn you into a warrior if you’re willing to learn.”

Max offered his hand. They exchanged hand slaps and a smile. Max raised an eyebrow. "You ever killed anybody?

Alistair jerked back. "Huh?"

"Got a gun?"

"Uh... I got a crossbow." Alistair answered.

Alistair had bought a small pistol-sized crossbow one night while drunk shopping on Amazon. It was a toy really, so weak that when he test fired it at a Pringles can the arrow bounced off.

Max poured a drink. Paced around his living room. "You need a gun. Several guns. Water filters. First aid kit. Meds. A good knife. Body armor. Sandbags."

"Sandbags?" Alistair asked.

“For home fortification." Max replied. "Any idea where you're gonna make your last stand?"

Alistair fumbled for words. "I was kinda hoping I'd never have to make that decision." He finally said, wondering what the hell he was getting himself into.

"You need a generator. A solar system would be better. NVGs. Food. Stuff you can store for years like beans and rice."

Alistair grimaced. Beans and rice? He'd had enough of that growing up poor.

"Get some potassium iodine pills in case of nuclear fallout."

Alistair pulled out his phone and tapped out a note. "Potassium... chloride?"

Max cringed. Potassium Chloride was the main ingredient in lethal injections. "Guess if you wanna go that route." Max said. "Potassium iodine, man."

Alistair blinked then corrected his error. "Right."

Alistair returned home that night with warm, greasy bag of Burger King. He grabbed a beer from the fridge and plopped down on the couch. He eyed a shelf full of movies. He had a soft spot for mindless 20th century action flicks. He put on “First Blood” and browsed Amazon on his phone.

[[deleted user]]

Hi!
I like your first chapter very much. It caught me right away, which speaks for your writing style. There are a few parts were I got a little lost, but nothing I couldn't imagine my way through.
I'm not sure if by splitting the chapter something got lost, but the transition between Alistair in the woods and then "party over and house empty" is bit confusing. But maybe it's just the formatting.

Would go into more detail, but I will have first to find a way to to it without having to copy&paste between " " to quote the parts I'm referring to.

Hope my comment was a help anyway, and hopefully there'll be a chapter 2 soon!

Saludos
Dominga

[M.L.]

Dominga, thanks for taking the time to read my first chapter. I'll try and figure out a smoother way to transition between the party mishap and the aftermath.

[Andres, Thaumaturge]

OH! So great. Disregard everything I said about chapter 1. If that's how it ends, then its perfect! It totally caught me. I was like, pfft, it couldn't happen like that AND it didn't. It was a test. HAHA. Loved it. Best way to end your first chapter is Alistair running out into the woods. Then chapter 2 your like, OH okay. That break in timeline, great stuff!

[M.L.]

Andres wrote: "OH! So great. Disregard everything I said about chapter 1. If that's how it ends, then its perfect! It totally caught me. I was like, pfft, it couldn't happen like that AND it didn't. It was a test..."

Andres, thanks for the notes. Originally I did have the chapter end with Alistair running through the woods, then opened with him finding out the truth and beginning to train. I may go back to that, but right now I want the second chapter be an intro for the Antagonist.
Thanks again,
Mike

[Liavali]

Ah ah! Next time maybe give us part one and two in same thread, just paste the rest of it in comments bellow so we can read it all in one go.

So timeline is great and really catches you off guard, but transition isn't just strange, also I am not sure how long it takes to empty an house of people you just tricked into freaking out. While drunk. I for one would like to know how that goes, and then get to Alastair maybe limping his way back and getting help for his leg. Or they go look for him but Max has to tell all these other people what he did. How did they react? Are they still speaking with him? And did he think any of them are suitable to be his ten?

Otherwise very exciting chapter and the pace holds throughout, and your dialogue is very strong, funny, as well as going well with each different personality.

[M.L.]

Liavali wrote: "Ah ah! Next time maybe give us part one and two in same thread, just paste the rest of it in comments bellow so we can read it all in one go.

So timeline is great and really catches you off guard..."

Thanks for the notes. I saw that you put both parts of your story in one thread and I was like, "Dang it, I should've done that." I will in the future. Hmm, all the notes I've received about the transition between the party and afterward got me thinking. Too abrupt I guess. I could show the others leaving as Max patches up Alistair.

Thanks again,
M.R.

[Liavali]

Quite honestly I am invested in Meredith, she is hilarious and perfectly wonderfully bitchy and I would really like to see the scene as she lets Max know what she thinks of his antics...