Query for MG Fantasy!

[A.y.]

Hi there!

I'm looking for some feedback on my query letter, such as whether or not its interesting and which parts are confusing. Here's the letter,

Dear Ms./Mr. Agent,

I’m writing to you because I thought you may be interested in my fantasy middle grade novel, The Girl Who Wasn’t Chosen, which is roughly 79,000 words long. It combines the strong friendships in Nevertell with the wonder of Nevermoor: The Trials of Morrigan Crow.

Twelve-year-old Leda Roubis is done with being ordinary. In a world where cyclops exist and roses are as tall as trees, she’s stuck milking cows. Enter the Seer, a prophet dedicated to Choosing the next Chosen One and future hero. His visit to Leda’s boring village is her ticket to the thrill and glory of being the next Chosen One. Only one small problem. He doesn’t Choose her.

Instead, he Chooses Kore Vasil, a noble with blue hair (yes it’s natural), purple eyes, and freakishly cool water powers. As the country’s new Chosen One, Kore is destined to leave Leda’s village, destroy some evil people, and basically save the world. Leda tries to hide her envy, but only because she knows the prophecy is right. Always. Until the Chosen One doesn’t save the day when bandits wreck Leda’s village and murder her Dad.

Now, Leda is only sure of one thing: the Seer made the wrong choice so it’s up to ordinary her to stop those bandits. Otherwise she’ll still be a helpless nobody, waiting around for Kore to avenge her Dad’s death. Only one other semi big problem. Fighting bad guys isn’t as easy as it looks.

As per your request I have attached (Agent’s preferred materials).

Thank you for your time and consideration,
Ariana

Thanks in advance!

[Sarah]

I like your premise! My only suggestion (and I am completely unqualified to make it) is to start with "Twelve-year-old Leda Roubis is done..." right away and move your first paragraph closer to the end. It's more attention-grabbing.

If you've been published before, won a major writing competition, been recommended by some highly notable person or have heard the editor speak at a conference, I'd make that the first paragraph. Otherwise, I'd go straight to the story.

Possibly, you could change the "I'm writing to you because I thought you may" sentence. It sounds a little strange. I don't know how long or how many paragraphs queries are supposed to have. I defer to more qualified opinions, but I liked it.

[A.y.]

Sarah wrote: "I like your premise! My only suggestion (and I am completely unqualified to make it) is to start with "Twelve-year-old Leda Roubis is done..." right away and move your first paragraph closer to the..."

Thank you so much for the advice, I really appreciate it!

[Rae]

Hi Ariana, here's my critique. First things first. Title, word count etc is called housekeeping info and its saved for the end. Start with the hook and the book.

Dear Ms./Mr. Agent,

I’m writing to you because I thought you may be interested in my fantasy middle grade novel, The Girl Who Wasn’t Chosen, which is roughly 79,000 words long. It combines the strong friendships in Nevertell with the wonder of Nevermoor: The Trials of Morrigan Crow.


Twelve-year-old Leda Roubis is done with being ordinary.

(A good hooky first sentence.)

In a world (I've seen agents reject queries solely based on this one line. Its too gimmicky. Sounds like something a deep-voice man would say at the start of a movie trailer. Cut)

where cyclops exist and roses are as tall as trees, she’s...

(Use pro-tag's name here. Don't make the agent forget her!)

stuck milking cows. Enter the Seer,

(No, cut that Enter the seer line. You sound like your pitching a movie to a producer.)

a prophet dedicated to choosing the next 'Chosen One' and future hero. His visit to Leda’s village is her ticket to the glory of being the next chosen one. Only one small problem. He doesn’t choose her. (okay, this is good. Please note small edits I did in the paragraph.)

Instead, he chooses Kore Vasil, a noble with blue hair, purple eyes, and freakishly cool water powers. As the country’s new Chosen One, Kore is destined to leave Leda’s village, destroy some evil people, and basically save the world.

(Small edits done)


Leda tries to hide her envy, but only because she knows the prophecy is right. Always. Until the Chosen One doesn’t save the day when bandits wreck Leda’s village and murder her Dad.

(Some good stakes. I'm intrigued.)

Now, Leda is only sure of one thing: the Seer made the wrong choice. It’s up to her to stop those bandits. Otherwise she’ll still be a helpless nobody, waiting around for Kore to avenge her Dad’s death. Only one other semi big problem. Fighting bad guys isn’t as easy as it looks.

(Okay, this is good. small edits made.)

As per your request I have attached (Agent’s preferred materials).

(Nope. cut that line. They will assume you've read their submission guidelines and sent them what they've asked for.)

Thank you for your time and consideration,
Ariana

(short, sweet and to the point.)

Thanks in advance!

[A.y.]

Rae wrote: "Hi Ariana, here's my critique. First things first. Title, word count etc is called housekeeping info and its saved for the end. Start with the hook and the book.

Dear Ms./Mr. Agent,

I’m writing t..."

Thank you so much for this helpful feedback!

[Anita]

You can put the housekeeping paragraph at the beginning or end, whichever works for your QL. Some agents like it at the top, some at the bottom. Follow or look up their Twit accounts to figure out what they want; they often don't post it on agency websites, under submission requirements. (Sigh.) This is good, but what it's missing is the stakes. If Leda fails...xyz will happen. I have no idea, right now, what happens if she doesn't save the day. Her dad's dead, motivation, I presume, for her to go on this journey / fight. But there has to be a bigger stake here, to capture your reader and keep her. Good luck! Writing these things is darn hard.