Beta Reader Group discussion
Covers, Blurbs, 1st Line, Query
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Failing at writing my Query Letter
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Hi Jesse!,As a member of the LGBT community myself, I'm hugely supportive of books about the trans experience, but I think this query is a little disorienting.
The shift between the she/her to he/him pronouns in the first paragraph makes for a confusing read; the reader hasn't been told Andy is trans yet, so it seems more like a grammatical error than anything. There's also something to be said about how referring to trans man with she/her at all is disrespectful, even if it is in the past tense. (If you yourself are trans, then you are free to make that decision on your own, but if you're not, I would suggest doing research on how to properly introduce a trans character's backstory.) With their tight word count, queries shouldn't be too heavy on character backstory, and that's largely what the first paragraph is. With "Andy didn’t always know he was trans" being a stronger first-sentence hook anyway, I would actually recommend cutting the first paragraph entirely and starting there. I also cut the backstory-y first paragraph of my query and started on the second one, and it was all the better for it!
Secondly, I'm not actually entirely sure what the plot is. I think it's that he was sent to a Christian camp in Alabama, and that's probably where the brunt of the book takes place, so you should focus more on describing that, and the internal and external struggles + stakes that come with it!
Lastly, in queries, you should state the title, word count, and genre. So overall, my suggestions would be to drastically trim down on the backstory and focus more on the actually plot events in the story. Good luck!
Yeah, the problem with the she/he pronouns is it starts when the character is 5 years old and doesn't know what being trans is. The story follows the character through early childhood so the character is referred to as she for the first hundred pages. So I feel like I can't put he because it might make the reader think the character transitioned in early childhood and was referred to as a boy since the beginning of the story. Do you think people will still understand if I refer to the character of as he, even if the character is referred to as she? And since it's written in first person, do you think I should just write the query in first person?Thanks for all you help
How's this? I can change her to him if it's too confusing.Dear Mr/Mrs. Agent
Normal? is a fast paced, mature YA LGBT+ that lets readers explore the mind of a trans-man from early childhood to young adulthood.
All Andy wanted to do was be a freaking kid. Play on the football team, get averege grades, and play video games. Then freaking puberty started and everything Andy knew and loved was forever changed. The team started pushing her away, the kids at school were trying to embrase their teenage bodies, and Andy’s mom wanted to buy her her first bra. It was as though Andy was in a box that was slowly being crushed. Until one day, at a youth group meeting, he met his first trans person and it changed his life forever.
Normal? is a sarcastic LGBT+ story of 84,000 words that would find a principle audience of young teens to adults of the LGBT+ community who’ve liked books such as “Simon and the Homosapien Agenda” and “What If It’s Us”
Thank you
I am here to say that your book sounds interesting and I hope to read it once it’s published! Good luck :)
Hi, Jesse. Here's my edit of your query with what I would change.Dear Mr/Mrs. Agent
All Andy wanted, was be a normal kid. Play on the football team, get average grades, and battle monsters in video games. Then puberty started.
Instead of battling monsters, Andy was battling against something far more terrifying; her real identity. The team started pushing her away for being different. The kids at school were embracing their teenage bodies, and Andy’s mom wanted to buy her her first bra. It was as though Andy was in a box that was slowly being crushed. A box slapped with a label that she didn't belong in. Until one day, at a youth group meeting, Andy met (Name), a proud trans person, which changed Andy's perspective on her own life forever.
Normal? is a sarcastic LGBT+ story of 84,000 words that would find a principle audience of young teens to adults of the LGBT+ community who’ve liked books such as “Simon and the Homosapien Agenda” and “What If It’s Us”
Thank you
Its not perfect by any means. But those are the changes I would make. Good luck, hoped this helped.
Andy was always one to push boundaries. Hanging with the boys, joining the tackle football team, biting her lip at the mere sight of a dress. Being a tomboy was fitting, easy, for a child. Not so much for a developing preteen girl. Especially when he wasn’t sure he was a girl at all. How did this happen? How did he go from being the daughter who was praised for her tomboyish attributes to being the son who was ridiculed for his self-acceptance?
Andy didn’t always know he was trans. He didn’t have that feeling inside himself when he was just a toddler. He didn’t yell at his preschool teachers he was a boy, not a girl. He didn’t even know what trans was until he was twelve. The year he met his first trans-woman at a youth group meeting. There he was opened to a new world of fear and wonder. A world that he might be a part of. Suddenly, the kid who was part of a loving family, with a great school, was sent to Christian camps and to live with his grandmother in Alabama. He took every hit until it became too much and ran away at the tender age of fifteen with his twin brother at his side. Now he has to find a way to keep himself and his brother alive while also finding out who he is in an ever-changing world.