Query Feedback - Fantasy

[Scott Anderson]

Can't wait to hear what you guys think. I've gone through a lot of revision, but I'm still willing to hear your harshest criticism.


Dear [AGENT]

Stek Talizen, an old hero who once slew a god, needs to save the world once again. With his dying breath, his mentor gave him a magical stone of world-ending capabilities, and the task to destroy it. While age has begun to hinder Stek considerably, he has always been able to use the literal fire in his blood--provided by his magical Fire Talent--to keep himself healthy.

But someone has stolen his favorite cloak. It is his oldest possession, and the only piece of clothing in the entire world that can morph with him into fire, so he’ll put the fate of the world on the back burner just to get it back.

As the cloak continues to elude him on his long search, Stek starts to see the worst in people. He sees old friends valuing him more for political affiliation than friendship, and his own apprentice asking why he is risking lives for a mere cloak. His mood darkens, and he ends up pushing his friends away, only intent on finding his cloak.

Then, for the first time in five decades, his fires begin to dim, marking the beginning of the end of his life as a hero. With his time now sinking away, he must make the decision to either abandon his beloved cloak, or continue the search and risk the destruction of himself, as well as the entire world.

A WORLD OF DYING HEROES is a 106,000 word adventure fantasy which would appeal to fans of Jenn Lyons’ RUIN OF KINGS and Bryce O’Connor’s CHILD OF THE DAYSTAR.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Best Regards,

[name]

[kitty]

Hi Scott!,

I think you have a really interesting concept here, and I like the idea of a wizened hero seeking out his cloak above all else! However, if you'd like some criticism, I'm not entirely sure what the plot is; clearly, the inciting incident is that he goes off on a search for his cloak, but after that, I'm not sure what the events of the story are.

Clearly, the problem is that he's meant to be destroying the stone and is getting distracted, but is there a time limit for destroying the stone before it ends the world? Are there other people trying to get the stone? And is his fire dimming due to his own emotional grief/upset, or his fire tied to having the cloak with him?

I'm also not quite sure of the tone; is it comedic or serious? Is the audience meant to be sympathetic towards Stek, as parts of the query sets up, or are they meant to scorn him for seeking out his cloak above all else, like his friends?

Again, I really love the idea of this! Please feel free to take up any of my advice or not, because you know your book better than me. Those are just my thoughts on it, and I look forward to your story!

[Scott Anderson]

Thanks Kay, that's really helpful. I'll definitely be taking some of your advice.

[Scott]

Hi Scott,
Mostly, I don't see the drama. To me, the phrase, world-ending capability, implies it could end the world, but doesn't mean it will. So, I get that it should probably be destroyed but it doesn't give me a sense of any time frame or what will happen if it just sits in a drawer for a while.

When I read this, the only drama I see is the hero without his favorite cloak. It makes me think of Linus without his blanky. And as Kay says, I'm not sure how I'm supposed to see this hero. From what I read, he reminds me of King Lear. A once-mighty king (or hero), passed his prime and reduced to a tragic joke. I'm guessing it's not supposed to be that extreme, so you probably need to be more clear about the reason the reader should care about him.

On a different note, I think it's long. Not necessarily the word count. Instead, I mean there are words and phrases that are not needed. "On his long search," can be omitted and, "he ends up pushing," can be more proactive as, "he pushes." This may seem nitpicking, but the query should be as succinct as possible and is an opportunity to show your command of words. Good comp titles, btw.
Best of luck!
--Scott