Query Letter Feedback - YA Vampire Fantasy

[[deleted user]]

Hi

I would be grateful for any constructive feedback you could give me on my query letter. In particular, I would like to know if is formatted correctly and if the short synopsis sounds enticing.

"Dear ( )

I am seeking representation for A Hopeless Cause, the first novel of [word count] words in a YA modern fantasy series, Ashblood.

This series is told by one person and many at the same time. The narrator can change her face and voice to tell the story through an online video. They tell the story of Gem, who has caused trouble in five vampire schools before witnessing his fellow boarding school student, Hope, being attacked by her vampire boyfriend. To make matters worse, she is being held in a vampire hospital and being told to change her testimony to prevent the secret of vampirism escaping. Gem can rescue Hope but it soon becomes clear that some vampires may want to silence her more permanently.

What is clear that her attack was part of a wider conspiracy to influence a nationwide vote on whether vampires should be revealed to the human public and that the mastermind may be very close to the Immortal Prime Minister indeed. In addition, his agents may indeed be closer to Gem than he believes.

(Short personal bio)

Thank you for your consideration and I look forward to hearing from you."

Thanks in advance.

[W.]

I believe I would tighten up the description. You have provided a synopsis rather that a hook to snag the interest of the agent.
Refine the crisis, using suggestion rather than exposition as you have done here.

Try:
Trapped in the school infirmary, Gem, the unlucky jewel of any number of "schools for the better sort of vampire," slowly realizes that she is not only being asked to lie about the attacks on her friends but also begins to see the outlines of the greater conspiracy."

[kitty]

Hi Laura!,

I think agents will be confused by the opening line "This series is told by one person and many at the same time." I'm not quite sure what you mean by the narrator changing their face to tell a story. Do you mean that the narrator is omniscient, that it has multiple characters narrating, or that the narrator is an established character with an established ability to shapeshift?

I would also start off the plot section of your query with a hook specifically about the plot, not about the POV, which I would either put in the data section of the query (where the title, word count, etc. goes) or not at all if it isn't super important to the story.

As was pointed out before me, I would suggest re-formatting this to read more like a narrative, rather than a synopsis. I think you have an interesting idea here, and it could be a great query letter with some work! Good luck!