I can't read

[Steve]

Dear Mykle,

I never thought I'd be writing to Goodreads forum, but you won't believe what happened to me last week. After a long day's work, I settled into bed with a book. Which book I cannot recall, but there was a sense of anticipation for the curvy lines, round serifs, and welcoming pages spread out before me. Just as I worked up enough desire to penetrate the tight prose... I feel asleep.

This isn't the first time.

Mykle, you are a man who does not shrink from the hard questions. What am I to do? I don't want to be an illiterate loser for the rest of my life!

[Mykle]

Dear Illiterate Loser,

My condolences on your poor performance in bed! These things occasionally do happen to certain people, or so I'm told. And when such a thing happens to me -- although it never does -- I find it constructive and relaxing to blame the problem on my partner. Perhaps your book was "difficult," "esoteric" or "modern". These words are all synonyms of "frigid"; avoid such books at all cost.

On the other hand, if you find yourself tucked in with a cheap, slender, easy read, yet you still can't keep your eyelids up, it is possible that you are suffering from what doctors call "gay eyelids". There is no known cure, but a variety of gay eyelid support groups do exist on the internet; I am told that gaybears.com is particularly helpful, although I have never, ever looked at it myself.

If none of that helps, then you may simply be experiencing pure exhaustion brought on by overwork, stress and the abuse of stimulants. If you feel this may be the case, why not try increasing your dosage of stimulants? It never fails to perk me up.