Input on my YA query letter

[Jenelle]

Updated version: All comments and suggestions are welcome, thanks.



Dear agent, (name)
I saw on your wish list that you’re looking for --- YA…… (Or something personalized) I hope you will consider DARKENING WINDS, a YA Urban Fantasy complete at 102,458 words.

Shayleen Cooper isn’t aware she is anything but ordinary— just another seventeen-year-old who doesn’t fit in. Until the eerie night that she uncovers a world full of monsters, and learns just how different she really is.

It’s in this world that she discovers a heinous plan to unleash hordes of beasts and enslave mankind created by a vicious man known as ‘The Boss.’ But when he declares Shayleen his secret weapon, she now has no choice but to fight. No big deal, right? All that stands in her way is imprisonment, ruthless shifters, and hordes of savage beasts, all hell-bent on killing her.

Let them try. She smirks as her nails lengthen and become sharp enough to cut glass, and the startling truth of what she will become looms upon her.
She will have to embrace her uniqueness and band together with her unconventional family to triumph against the odds. But don’t they know to stay away from her? Everyone she cares about ends up dead or forever altered…

I am a member of a professional writer’s group in my hometown. My involvement has helped fuel my interest and broadened my creativity for writing.
Per your submission guidelines, please find below the first _____ pages of my manuscript.
I hope you will find my submission to be of interest. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,

[L.C.]

The 2nd paragraph starting with Shayleen doesn't really do anything to capture interest. Try to lead with the details that make your manuscript stand out. Agents don't spend a lot of time on query letters since they get so many of them and this paragraph starts off the same way as other urban fantasies.

The 4th paragraph (starts with "Let them try") is confusing because now we're in the protagonist's POV? Try to avoid this. Agents don't particularly like queries from a character's POV. It also disrupts the flow.

Another issue is your query letter is vague. You want to say enough to grab their attention but also avoid giving them spoilers. Do we find out what the MC is early in the story? If that's the case, you might want to go ahead and tell us what she is. Agents want specificity. What makes your story stand out in an already crowded market?

Hope this helps! :)

[Scott]

Hi Jenelle,
Seems there is a whole lot of hinting going on, but you don't really tell us about the story. I don't know the truth of what she will become, what her goals are, or why everyone is so hell-bent on killing her. I suppose the stakes of failure is the enslavement of mankind, but that's vague too.

I think the tone is too informal for a query letter. Let them try, No big deal. Don't they know. Okay if you are displaying your writing voice, but if that's true, it's a bit wordy. And there are a lot of descriptive filler words that sound neat but don't tell us much. An eerie night, a vicious man, startling truth, unconventional family.

As to the letter, your word count is a bit high. Consider getting it under 100K. What is the writer's group? If it is noteworthy you should tell more. If it isn't, I'm not sure the second sentence helps much. Your interest should already be there and not come from some membership. Good luck.

--Scott