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After All this Time? Always.
message 151:
by
Jon
(new)
Apr 23, 2020 10:37AM
Listening to Call Me in The Morning by Billy Lockett, on repeat :')
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Things are looking up. Just because I woke up at 8 instead of 10. Hmmmm..... I thought.... If the time doesn't seem enough after I start, why not start earlier?I hope I can make this into a routine :-)
I forgot I had online classes. Lmao. Who the hell does that? I've AT LEAST got classes four days in the week. And I...... forgot that they existed. Lmao.
I wanna curl up in bed and go to sleep like a baby.
I feel....... exhausted. Drained. Ughhhhhh.
Wanting to have a partner (again) is something of a bittersweet wish. An adventurous wish. A dangerous wish.When you have a girlfriend. Or a boyfriend. There are certain expectations that you both should meet.
There are certain boundaries that you are confined in.
There are certain responsibilities that you need to take care of.
And it's beautiful. Having someone to come back to, at the end of the day. Knowing in your heart that they're there, no matter what.
It's like having a support system that's always there, hiding from everyone else.
"We're here, you see."
Kind of like when Harry uses the Resurrection Stone in the Deathly Hallows.
"We're here, you see."
There's a sense of security. You know that you're someone's first choice. It's an amazing feeling to have. Knowing that you'll be the first person they call.
Knowing that they'll be the first person you call. And they'll pick up. No matter what time it is.
That sort of reliance that you have, on them. And they on you.
Feeling pain when they do. Feeling happy when they do. Holding them close as they come to you after a long day. And falling into their arms with exhaustion, after your own long day.
It's a rollercoaster of emotions. Highs and lows. Exciting and fearsome. Healing and painful.
And sometimes...... damaging.
But as someone said, "We fall so that we can get up, stronger than ever. Those who fell and got up are so much stronger than those who never fell."
And I promise you, get up you will. If you ever fall, you'll get up. Because you have it in you.
And if you think you don't, take my hand and get back on your feet. :-)
Listening to Please Don't Go by Barcelona.If I am listening to this, you know the going is especially tough..
After last night's insecurity/abandonment/weird issue thingy, I must admit, it sucks big time. xDI mean.... it just got bad? All of a sudden?
And I am just lying there in bed, nothing making sense to me as I struggle to make myself believe that I am not alone and that I've got people who care?
Like dude, how do you just forget something like that? My brain just went like, "Poof! You're alone, idiot."
Me: But....No. I've got friends. :/
Brain: Oh? Really? I am telling you, you don't.
Me: Please don't say that, come on.
Brain: It's true.
Me: But....
Brain: It's okay. But it's true. Let that sink in.
Me: *screams internally*
2 AM And then there are nights
When it's 2 am. Dark.
Cold. And quiet.
But what's worth
Mentioning
Is not the night itself
For it comes
And goes
Everyday.
But it's the silence
That makes you suffer
Forcing you
To compose a song
Of thoughts
Which are darker
Than the darkness
Outside.
Colder than
The coldest metal.
With no one there
To give you warmth
As you shudder
Alone.
Homeless on the
Streets
Of your mind.
11 pm and I am already sleepy???? Like dude. Come. On. XD
Well well well. It's almost 2 am. And I am still sleepy but haven't slept yet. XD
What is it about sad songs..... Why do they appeal to me so much? What is it about hurtful lyrics? What is it about slow melancholy music? Or about angry resentful songs? Songs that have lyrics that question what you had and how you lost.....wI ask myself these questions a lot.
I think it's because these songs are something that I feel I can relate to. Or could relate to, at some point of time in my life. And for most people that I've seen, it's always better to know that someone out there also went through the same thing that you did. That someone out there understands what you're going through. That you're not alone. That you're gonna be okay.You see, it's about the frequency. When the frequency matches with yours, the energy is at the highest. And who would refuse some extra energy, huh? I mean, I won't pretend to know my physics but from what I remember, that's what happens when frequencies match.
Anyway, you see, when the song lyrics describe exactly what you feel, it's the most wonderful thing ever, and you're just like "Whoa, these lyrics describe it perfectly."
About the music used in the song, it can either calm your nerves or fire you up. There are songs that you just can't help dancing to. Tapping your foot with the beat, nodding your head with the beat, drumming your fingers, going crazy..... It's all because you have found the tune that you want to dance off to. Or just..... Do something about it.
It's true, the sad songs do make me sad at times. But they're also the support system when I need it. They're also what drowns the voice in your head when you are overthinking. They save you from the quiet that'll push start your brain into thinking a frenzy of thoughts that you'll be hard-pressed to control.
There's a reason I mention songs here. Yes, partly it's because I want people to know that I listen to that particular song, partly because I want them to listen to them too, and partly because maybe..... Just maybe.... Someone will listen to one of those songs and be like, "Damn. I've found my song."
I have a class in like, 10 minutes.... But I am so sleepy...
Now scrolling up, I realise that I talk a lot???? Like....paragraphs and stuff lmao.
It's 2:24 am. And yet again, I just wanna curl up in bed and go to sleep like a baby. XDMaybe I'll do that, yeah.
What's stopping me?
I don't know, I just wanna listen to music for a while.
I am thinking of making a Contents thingy for this whole journal. Like I have with the poems and songs. But for my rants too, rants that are about a specific topic. Let's get more organized because why not? XD
Hmm, did I inspire fren snail? xDAlso, I absolutely love and appreciate what you wrote about the songs you get us in the feels, the melancholy works of art. Music can be and is so much more than just tunes, melodies and lyrics.
Oh yes, definitely. That was your influence only. I should have known. A good habit getting induced by another snailll. :-PAw I am glad you liked those thoughts :')
And I know, right??? Music is just.... more than words can say. Though I tried xD
Haha it was all of my influence... just kidding :PxD Wonderful attempt, truly.
That's actually true though, my dear snail fren. XDThenkssss. I try. Your validation means everything xD
Song Lyrics Time.I Miss You by Lov Li
Jet planes in the night sky with you
Getting high in the sunrise with you
Getting through all the bad times with you
I wasn't missing a thing, now I do
And I wish that I could build a time machine
'Cause times moves on
And now you're gone
Oh, if only I could build a time machine
I'd come and get you
I can't forget you
I miss you
I miss you
I miss you all the time
I wish that
I wish that
I wish that you were mine
I miss you
I miss you
I miss you all the time
I wish that
I wish that
I wish that you were mine
What the hell am I doing this for?
Laying here on my bedroom floor
Finding peace in the memories of you
I wasn't missing a thing now I do
And I wish that I could build a time machine
'Cause times moves on
And now you're gone
Oh, if only I could build a time machine
I'd come and get you
I can't forget you
I miss you
I miss you
I miss you all the time
I wish that
I wish that
I wish that you were mine
I miss you
I miss you
I miss you all the time
I wish that
I wish that
I wish that you were mine
I added Contents at the beginning of this journal :))))
Why is it so hard to accept a compliment, I wonder. What goes through our mind at that time, that makes us wary of getting swept away by a wave of relief and pleasure after we get complimented?Let's analyse. What are the possible thoughts that one can get, at that time.
"Thank you, you're great."
First thing in your brain? "Aw thanks." and that warm feeling in your heart.
Second? "But what if....."
-> They're just too nice. They're just saying it to make me feel good because it's nice making others feel good.
-> They don't really know me, and if they did, I'm sure they would change their mind.
-> They're making a very inaccurate image of me in their mind and I'll end up disappointing them.
-> What could be their motive behind it? What if this is just flattery?
Now the first thing, about the person complimenting you being too nice... Well. It's a possibility. They are nice, yes. And maybe they don't know you well enough.
But what's so wrong about accepting a good thing that someone said about you? Why not let it try sink in, for once? Are you afraid you'll become someone who's too proud? I don't think so. It's okay to take pride in your strengths. Unless you start slighting others using them. It's okay.
"You're too nice."
"Oh? Wow... Maybe I am."
About the second thing. About the person not knowing you well enough. And the possibility of them changing their mind once they do...
It's just you overthinking.
If you accept their compliment, you'll feel good. If you overthink it, you'll throw yourself in a sea of doubt.
But you know, there's a possibility that they won't get to know you well enough anyway?
There's a possibility that they get to know you well enough. And they don't change their mind.
There's also the possibility that they get to know you and do change their mind.
And at present, they don't know you well enough and have a nice opinion of you.
So, three good possibilities against one bad one. Does it take a rocket scientist to figure out which one's more probable? :-P
About the third thing. About them forming the wrong image and you eventually disappointing them....
You know. Our image is good if we are. Our image is bad if we are. Not considering the scenario where a third person tells them about you and influences your image in their mind, because that's not on you.
Anyway, if you're kind to someone, if you're helpful to someone, then they'll believe what they see, right? Good people do bad things too. Your image isn't inaccurate. No image is inaccurate. Or maybe..... Every image you have of people, in your head, is inaccurate. Because you only know how they are with you. You don't know if they're mean to someone. You don't know if they're kind to someone. The image you form is based on how you are with them. If I get hurt and someone helps me tend to it, then to me, they're kind. I wouldn't know if they're that kind to everyone else.
About you disappointing them.... It's okay. Humans are disappointing beings. That's how we learn. You disappoint your parents sometimes, probably. They disappoint you sometimes. That's how we learn what to do and what not to do. Right? It's okay. Everybody disappoints everybody, at one point of time or the other.
Now.. About the compliment just being flattery. And I mean flattery in the wrong way. Something that is paving way for a hidden motive. Now this thing is....bad. And this is, I think, actually a very valid question to ask yourself. Now if it's someone you know well, then maybe we can rule this possibility out.
But if it's someone you barely know? You need to be careful. Careful not to get carried away. Careful not to get swept away too far. Feel good about the compliment, but feel wary of the motive. Yes, there's a chance that the person doesn't have any motive at all.
But there's also the chance that they do.
And this is exactly like the Not-All-Men argument. You simply can't risk it, just because not everyone is bad. Because you never know if the stranger is good or bad. So be careful. Assume they're bad until they prove they're good.
Sometimes just one sentence goes through my head."We're okay, right?"
:-) I don't know whether to feel relieved or sad about that, Violet.
both? i'm here if you need to talk:)
Awake relatively earlier today. It's past 9 am. I want it to be productive.
You can do this, fellow snail! Go conquer the day .-.
Listening to I'm Yours by The Script.One of my favourite bands and one of the most underrated bands ever. I just love this song so much. It's perfect.
Jon! Ive crept and sneeked into your journal:p *hugs*
Hahaha heyy Lys. *hugs back* So you have. Welcome!
Much thanks, you still awake too huh?:)
Given the time being around 4:30 pm, I can't imagine why i would be asleep xD Time Zones.
Oh yeah huh...... well its 6:00 am here and i havent gotten a wink of sleep:(
I updated my list of books and I am very very disappointed that I haven't reached 150 yet?????? >.<
I am hoping I missed out some entire series or so. AND WHAT IS LAME ABOUT THIS, VIOLET?
YOU'RE NOT A YES OR NO QUESTION
